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Transspecies criminal sent to zoo

In yet another story illustrating how Scotland's justice system is way more enlightened than the rest of the UK, a convicted criminal has won the right to be sentenced in line with his self-declared species.

Kevin McTaggart, who wishes from now on to be known as Lum Lum, praised Nicola Sturgeon's decision to respect his identity as a panda bear without asking for any evidence that it was true, or indeed possible.

It's thought McTaggart will spend 10-15 years at Edinburgh zoo, with possible early release for good behaviour eg posing for photos with tourists, eating up all his bamboo and not throwing shit.

However, McTaggart was less pleased to learn he would be expected to mate with the zoo's female panda and produce cubs.

"Er... I'm a female panda myself, did I not mention? I'm sure I've got a gender recognition certificate here somewhere..."

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