Not to be out done by the United States’ decision to legalise same-sex marriage, the British judiciary has laid out plans to take gay marriage to a whole new level of kitsch. It will be mandatory for all wedding venues to be adorned with tea lights shaped like buttocks, an effigy of Kylie Minogue and bunting that spells out the newlyweds’ favourite sex position.
Tiered cakes must have a mix of sweet, savoury and glow in the dark decorations, while registrars must be dressed as Wonder Woman. ‘Songs from the shows’ will be played throughout but only ironically and only by five-piece Bavarian Oompah Band.
Obviously, all bridesmaids will wear Elizabethan ruffs and any ‘best man’ will be non-gender specific. However, a spokesman for the UK’s Catholic Church said: ‘It’s not all about finding your wedding ring in a novelty cracker. It’s about a solemn vow before God. We’re in favour of a traditional service - conducted by a man in a dress, serenaded by a collection of young boys, all intoxicated on incense and wine’.