The Chancellor is gambling that a ‘sugar tax’ will cover the nation’s debts – and has pegged the British currency to our fluctuating munchies. 70% of the UK’s output will now be based on school tuck-shop revenue, which in turn is affected by the volatile nature of pocket money futures. The Stock Exchange will now trade in smarties, pensions will be doled out in sherbet (rather than peanuts) and Willie Wonka is to be appointed the new Business Secretary.
A spokesman explained: ‘The Northern powerhouse can become a reality. Not through steel or coal but through the clinically obese masticating for Britain. One chubby lass from Newcastle with a tub of ice-cream generates the same tax revenue as Google and Amazon combined. And that money can be reinvested in a fun size mars bar’.