The Department for Education warned: ‘We need more graduates willing to get shanked by a grumpy GCSE student. Parents and pupils need the right to choose which stab victim is best for them. We don’t want the local authority meddling in size of blade or slicing methodology – we need to let the free-market decide. Failing schools will be Academized, while failing teachers will be shish kebabbed’.
When asked what she would do to protect teachers, the Education Secretary promised to put a King James Bible in every school. Her spokeswoman explained: ‘Carried in a pocket, the bible has a good chance of repelling a blade. It’s cheaper than a stab vest and the pages are absorbent when dealing with all that blood. It’s also got some lovely funeral prayers if the ambulance arrives a little too late.’