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UK spends £1.57bn to avoid watching light-opera.

Covid has proved it is preferable to pay the UK’s arts venues to remain shut, then to actually watch the pretentious nonsense they would be staging. Said one relieved theatre goer: ‘I no longer need to fake enjoyment of Chekhov or pretend I know what the word post-modern means. Two billion pounds to not watch ‘We Will Rock You’, is money well spent, in my opinion’.

A Culture spokeswoman: ‘Everyone is suffering enough during Coronavirus; we don’t need Andrew Lloyd Webber in the mix. And we’re more than happy to subsidise David Walliams not to write any more plays. Now, if we can only start paying Michael McIntyre to stay at home, we’ll be laughing – for once’.

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