"The idea of us aligning our world-leading selves with one of the EU's so-called standardisation plots is, without saying, utter piffle and balderdash", began a No.10 spokesman at the most recent press briefing.
"We didn't achieve freedom and sovereignty simply to cast it all away on a bit of wire with a plug you can shove where you like.
"The Government will shortly be revealing plans for an Imperial multi-function phone-charger, cake-slice and bottle-opener. Much research has been undertaken by a team reporting directly to the Prime Minister here at No.10. Final details are still to be agreed, but British industry will soon once again be meeting the requirements of British government.
Demand for these valuable items may even run in to double figures. In order to reflect the true nature of global Britain leading the way in such technologies, this particular device will be unbalanced, not levelled and have a natural twist to the right. The latest prototype has seen the inclusion of a pencil facility, in order that users may draw a line under things."
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