An NRA spokesmen explained: ‘The key thing is to not let on that you are in mortal fear of every living thing. We advise all our members to wear adult diapers to cope with the constant bed wetting. There are NRA gum shields to prevent your teeth chattering. A special range of Charlton Heston masks to obscure excess whimpering. We also advise all pets to carry rape alarms.’
Helpful Government slogans have been designed to calm American nerves and lower tensions. These include:
‘Guns make for friendlier neighbors’
‘Bullets are the best pest control’
‘Toddlers are murderers waiting to get big’
‘Nobody ever got shot by mistake’
‘Don’t trust Granny, she smells weird.’
From now on, putting your hands in your pockets will be seen as an instant provocation and will be met with deadly force from friends and loved ones. Families are advised to all sleep in separate, locked bedrooms. Also, the US has asked the rest of the world not to make any sudden movements.