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What does your car signalling reveal about you?

Are you a Skoda driver desperate to be loved or an aggressive BMW petrol-head doesn’t give a shit about anyone else? Here is what your car signalling says about you:

Double headlight flash - you’re a Passat driving doormat who loves nothing more than being trampled over and hurt by everyone. Your needy ‘please come through before me, your time is way more important than mine’ signal is the perfect metaphor for your sad, lonely life. When will you grow a pair and accelerate through that gap first, you loser?

Single long headlight flash (plus horn) – you’re a sweaty, passive-aggressive trucker 4 hours into a red-eye shift up the M1 and high on a heady cocktail of Heart FM, Lion Bars and service-station porn mags. The driver of the Citroen C3 who slowed down in front of you making you momentarily feather your brakes needs to be taught a harsh life lesson. Get so close to their rear-view mirror that they will be able to see the love and hate tattoos on your knuckles as your courgette fingers grip that steering wheel like a vice.

A quick right-left-right with your indicators - you are an insecure Renault Captur owner, who just wants the love and respect of fellow road users, despite your inexplicably crap choice of vehicle. You are aware that the ‘thanks for letting me pull back into the nearside lane’ signal is exclusively to be used by HGV drivers with 4 or more axles, but surely, they’ll let you join their club? That ‘M5 indicator wanker’ thread you’ve just seen appear on the Truckers Online forum – that’s about you, you know.

Barely perceptible hand wave of thanks - you are invariably a single, male Audi driver in your mid-30s. When someone leaves a gap in queuing traffic, considerately allowing you to turn right into a side road, you know you have to acknowledge their excellent road etiquette, but it goes against all your principles. Maintain your integrity as a complete bellend by keeping your palm on the steering wheel and lifting your index finger ever so slightly upwards whilst avoiding all eye contact. Continue with the rest of your day, parking up in disabled spaces and stopping in as many yellow boxed areas as you possibly can.

Hazard lights on while straddling two lanes - you are a control freak of a Ford Focus driver who can’t bear the thought that someone might gain a material advantage over you by not sticking to the rules of the road. Yes, everyone has seen that the outside lane is closing on the motorway 800 metres ahead. And yes, everyone is thinking about how long they can stay in the outside lane before moving over at the last minute. What they don’t need is for you to marshal everybody straddling the lanes like you’re leading out some weird hatchback-based funeral cortège.

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