'You have reached the UK Government. We are currently on annual leave until September. Please hold and you will be put through to your Member of Parliament as soon as the donor funded Sambuca-fest on a private island in the Caribbean vomits forth its degenerate and soul-blackened gravy train.
Your cost of living crisis is important to us.
If you would like to receive a call back from the chinless moon-unit you had no choice but to vote for, please press 9.5 now and we will keep your space in the infinite queue for Universal Credit.
UK Government - Keeping Money On The Move.
This message was produced by Dunkirk Spirit plc – the company that brought you World War 2, Pot Noodle, Big Celebrity Dancing On Ice With The Stars Who Come Dine With Me, and Brexit! – the biscuit you can eat between meals because we’re British an’ no one tells us when we can eat a fackin’ biscuit!