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Will Self claims he could have written Kate Bush's songs - 'only better'

Mr. Self, humbly, explained why he was the greatest female singer-songwriter of his generation and how he wrote ten Sgt. Peppers. In addition, he brews his own coffee, smokes a pipe and takes long meaningful walks. He has gravitas, a sophisticated monotone and the face of Chris Langham. He is a proper musician.

He has already penned a Bush homage, performed on the lute - ‘The Man with his Head up his Arse’. Dismissive of her work, he scoffed: ‘All you need to do is flail your arms around while wearing a leotard, making fatuous literary allusions. Well, I’ve been doing that last part for years. How hard can it be to find a unitard in my size?’

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