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Wind force now to be measured in bin movement

The Beaufort Scale is considered to be outdated, given that any discussion of gales is based on their impact on your garden. The new scale will range from 'George, did you move the bin last night?' to 'Oh my God, Margaret, the recycling is in the neighbour's pond'.

Storms will only be confirmed if your patio furniture has been upended. A moderate breeze will be indicated by how many crisp packets are stuck in your hedge, whereas hurricanes will be replaced with 'Where the f$ck is the garden gnome?'.

One scientist confirmed: 'The Met Office will only be giving accurate weather warnings once a week, given that the bins just go out on a Thursday.'

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