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'Windows 11? I've barely mastered Windows 95' complains man.

News that Microsoft plan to update their operating system, has caused widespread panic among those who struggle to tell the difference between a PC and gramophone. Particularly those who think the ‘Start Menu’ is what you order from before your Main arrives.

Jake Kalpar (49) has been particularly tense since the announcement: ‘I phoned my sister and she said Windows in the area were upgrading and I just assumed she meant double-glazing. 64-bit? I don’t even know what the other 63 bits are. And DirectX sounds like a hyperlink to a p$rn site’.

‘When did we start calling everything an App? Why is everything in tiles? What’s wrong with a list, a normal list? I’ve got a OneDrive? But it’s in a cloud? What? A cloud? For the love of God, I just want to copy some clip art – is that too much to ask? Where is spellcheck now?’

‘Can I help you?’ asked Cortana.

‘Who the f$ck said that?!?’ replied Jake.

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