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World swiftly reacts to school abduction – one month late

With the coiled energy of a tortoise on Prozac or a three-toed sloth wading through treacle, the international community has sprung to the aid of the frantic families of over 200 missing Nigerian schoolgirls. As most crime-fighting agencies will attest, the most auspicious moment to investigate a kidnapping is at least a month after the event. Like a good wine, a banker’s pension scheme or the humour of James Corden - hostages improve with time.

It is a well-established fact that witness reports and genital rashes are all best ignored. A spokesman for the White House said: ‘It doesn’t pay to rush these things. These kids could just have been skipping class. A month is no time at all. After all, it took the US two years to join in WW2 and nobody noticed. What’s the hurry? We’ll get round to this as soon as we’ve found the Lindbergh kid’.

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