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Your February Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Mars in your 7th house indicates you will give a presentation at work which will go well. Unfortunately, you’ll realise later that you had a pube stuck between your front teeth the whole time.

Taurus: Your natural fear of water parks prevents you from being near dolphins. But when a mysterious stranger offers you one round the back of Wetherspoons in Guildford tomorrow, be cautious and check the blowhole for lost nipple clamps.

Gemini: Jupiter indicates the path to your future will be covered in dog sh*t.

Cancer: You will finally discover who has been stealing underwear from your washing line when you see your next-door neighbour through their bedroom window, wearing your matching bra and pants. You will decide not to confront them about it, because you’ll be embarrassed by the fact that he looks much better in them than you did.

Leo: Armageddon starts next month, creating a brilliant buyers’ market. So until then, go light on cyclic industrials, get rid of small caps, hold on to your blue chips and remember: “Cash is king!”

Virgo: Saturn in your house of cards urges you to go outside and reconnect with nature. Go to a local park and become one with the trees. If a dog p*sses up your leg, you’ll know you’re doing it right.

Libra: Probably best to pick your most attainable item from your Bucket List. Hint: don't make it a parachute jump.

Scorpio: You will try out a Mary Berry recipe for fairy cakes, but you’ll realise you’ve gone wrong somewhere when you end up cooking crystal meth instead. It’s not Mary’s fault, she does say it’s important to follow the recipe exactly. Dodgy Dave down the pub reckons crystal meth is even more addictive than Mary’s fairy cakes, so he’ll help you to shift it if you cut him in on the deal.

Sagittarius: Neptune in your sign inspires you to copy Taylor Swift’s hairstyle. Unfortunately, it won’t make you look like Taylor Swift - but you’ll be a dead ringer for Jimmy Saville.

Capricorn: Good news! You will legally avoid having to pay any tax, child maintenance or train fares throughout 2023. However, the slight downside is that Earth will be obliterated by an asteroid next week. Swings & roundabouts, swings & roundabouts.

Aquarius: Venus told me to tell you the bloke who works in Wetherspoons fancies you. You know the really good looking one? Well, it’s not him – it’s the short, fat, bald one with the glass eye and a limp.

Pisces: Statistically speaking, you could die today - so why are you reading this tripe? Go out and live what remains of your life as if this is your last day. We can do looking sheepish tomorrow when you are in front of the magistrate.

Hat tips go to:

SteveB – Taurus

dogular - Leo

lockjaw – Libra

Sinnick – Capricorn

FlashArry – Pisces

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