Aries: As the full moon approaches, you will meet a man with ginger hair, who will offer you a sandwich. Don’t be tempted to take it – it might look like Nutella, but it isn’t.
Taurus: With Saturn in your 12th house, now is the perfect time to try out a fresh new look! Don’t bother getting your hair done though, because whatever style you go for you’ll still look like Shrek. Maybe buy a stylish new designer bag… and wear it over your head.
Gemini: You’ve been feeling a bit down lately. Why not treat yourself to something nice? Don’t worry if you can’t afford it, stick it on the credit card. It’s not worth worrying about money now, you’ll be dead next week… Oops! Sorry, forget I mentioned that last bit…
Cancer: With Mercury retrograde in your house of finance, don’t buy any lottery tickets this month. In fact, it’s not worth you getting out of bed, to be honest. Stay there and eat Jaffa Cakes and drink Baileys all day every day, just like last month.
Leo: Everything doesn’t always have to be about you, you know. You narcissistic bellend.
Virgo: As Venus enters your house of romance, you will meet a handsome stranger who will sweep you off your feet into a whirlwind romance. Unfortunately he’s got galloping knob rot, so you should get yourself checked out at the clap clinic when he inevitably goes back to his wife.
Libra: As Jupiter enters your 6th house, now is a good time to look after your health. Particularly your oral health. Seriously, when did you last brush your teeth? Your breath smells like horse sh*t.
Scorpio: Destiny takes you to Ikea, where you will buy a new wardrobe. The wardrobe is a portal to the land of Narnia, but you will never realise this, because you won’t be able to make sense of the fecking assembly instructions.
Sagittarius: Everyone secretly hates you. And you have a fat arse.
Capricorn: With the sun in your sign, it’s time for you to step out of the shadows into the light. The light comes from a police officer’s torch – he’s been looking for you for ages. Don’t resist arrest, you’ll only p*ss yourself again if you get tasered.
Aquarius: Your ruling planet is Uranus, unsurprisingly. There’s a strong whiff of anus about you.
Pisces: As Neptune enters your sign, you will be visited by a magical elf, who will take you on a trip to fairyland, where you will ride a unicorn over a rainbow... Those mushrooms you’ve been eating didn’t come from Tesco, did they?