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Your Newsbiscuit guide to the Bible

God. Full of contradictions. Despite his being an omnipotent deity, his memoirs are ghostwritten all the way through from Genesis to Revelation. Officially "all-loving and all-merciful", he was nonetheless given to sporadic outbursts of homophobic rage (seeSodom and Gomorrah). He has since been diagnosed as bipolar.

Adam and Eve. Fancying himself as a fashion designer, God needed two people to model some fig-leaf leisurewear he'd been working on, so he made Adam and Eve. When asked what was the point of these outfits, he invented genitals.

Sodom and Gomorrah. The Las Vegas of the ancient Near East. When a man wanted a quickie divorce he would take his wife there for a weekend break and watch her turn into a pillar of salt.

Noah. The climate change sceptics made fun of him building his ark. But he and his family had the last laugh when everyone on the planet drowned except them. So we're all descended from one close-knit family committing incest with each other in a floating zoo.

Moses. Hebrew prophet and people-trafficker. He told the Israelite migrants they'd get asylum in the Promised Land by saying they were "fleeing from the Pharaoh". His parting-the-waters trick died with him, so his latter-day counterparts are obliged to use dinghies instead.

Jesus. "He didn't take after my side of the family", was all his father would say about him. According to most accounts he was crucified but periodically spotted alive at various locations later (see also Elvis). Others say he died of exhaustion trying to cope with his huge waiting list of hopeful corpses (see Lazarus).

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The Goat Herders’ Guide to the Galaxy must be 100% true, scientifically correct and also the basis for all morals, etc.

People lived for hundreds, and even over a thousand years.

Incest was encouraged, as was inbreeding.

Murder was encouraged.

Misogyny was de rigueur.

Animal and human sacrifices were required.

Rape was the in thing and abortions were encouraged.

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