A spokesfly has hit out strongly at claims that flies lack basic common sense. ‘Look, we only live for a couple of weeks, a month tops, so the complete works of Shakespeare would be a push, but we have artists. Oh yeah. Brian, one of my siblings, made up a new buzzing sound. Who knows what else he might have invented if that spider hadn’t got him on Day 9? Taken too soon.

An expert has raised the alarm over something or other serious but a Government spokesperson told NewsBiscuit ‘We have spent £25 billion over this Parliament to address the challenges raised in this report so everything’s fine’.

Jenny (42) won almost £3,000 in compensation from the Enid Blyton Estate after we proved that she had been mis sold a life involving ginger beer, missing scientists and improbable adventures on Scottish islands.