The jazz world is mourning the passing of a colossus of the tenor saxophone this week, the legendary, towering figure of Sonny Rollins who has died at age of 174. He passed away peacefully in New York surrounded by family, the ghost of John Coltrane – his old sparring partner, and a beautiful set of changes to A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square.

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification. Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange...

The UK has gone into hot weather hysteria as excitement builds towards this weekend’s hot spell. It began on Thursday evening when Tomasz Schafernaker was rushed to hospital muttering “80 centigrade, 80 centigrade, that’s unheard of”. Darren Bett was spotted frying an egg on the bonnet of his BMW and Helen Willetts cast aside her normally calm and measured demeanour to declare that next week the UK will be hotter than the sun. Of course, there is a serious side to these unusual weather...