"Britain's voters have angered Nigel Farage, High Priest of the Great Sun God, by deserting him in the opinion polls and sniggering that he's about to face a by-election ballot against a dustbin," ranted chief Farage acolyte Zia Yusuf.

Hot upon the heels of turning the entire Middle East into a war zone by attacking Iran at Israel's behest, Donald Trump has agreed to give Saudi Arabia all the equipment it needs to refine material for an atomic bomb.

'For months, we have been saying that the proposed digital ID card is an outrageous threat to British people's liberties,' thunder the proprietors of the Daily Torygraph, Sid and Doris Forsythe-Bonkers, in the paper's editorial today.