"Our plan is to round up every Reform MP and local councillor, plus every other turncoat, defector and political has-been who has crawled into their ranks," said an ITV spokes-cathode tube, "and maroon them on an island to live in their natural environment.  "Here, there'll no political policy considered too despicable, or any act of treachery considered too vile. Journalists will be frog-marched into a never-ending press conference with Nigel Farage and the first one to stop taking notes...

'I come down here every day to pick up any piece of flotsam lying about which might be of use to me," Nigel Farage told reporters at a press conference on the beach at Clacton, carrying a bucket and a litter-picking stick. 'It's really quite amazing, the stuff you can find washed up on thr shore which was swept overboard from the sinking Tory ship. 'I've found a bedraggled Nadine Dorries and an oil-soaked Lee Anderson, and earlier this year I picked up a semi-comatose Danny Kruger which I've...

'They tell me there are a bunch of terreierists over there in Britain, in Yorkshire and Staffordshire and Airedale, so we'll be sending in Delta Force to take over those places.