Reform UK has abandoned plans to protect Britain’s borders with a 30-foot wall of cake after bakers warned it would be “vulnerable to rain and surprisingly easy to eat through”. The party insisted the barrier could be built entirely from British flour, eggs and “absolutely no foreign jam”. Nigel Farage dismissed concerns about its structural integrity as “Two-Tier baking”. Plans to switch from Victoria sponge to fruitcake were abandoned after a Home Office study found the wall would attract...

FIFA has dismissed suggestions that Gianni Infantino is transforming into a Bond villain after he was photographed at a summit alongside The Hood from Thunderbirds, Dr Evil and Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Concerns were first raised after Infantino unveiled FIFA’s plans for the 2034 World Cup while stroking a white Persian cat and explaining that matches would be staged “wherever pleases me”. The Hood reportedly welcomed the announcement before using his hypnotic powers to persuade delegates that a...

Following New Zealand’s decision to name one of its new Cook Strait ferries after Captain Cook, governments around the world have begun honouring increasingly awkward historical figures. Mongolia has unveiled Genghis Khan Maternity Hospital, describing him as “a man who fathered an astonishing number of descendants.” Germany has denied reports it is opening Adolf Hitler Airport, insisting the leaked plans actually referred to “Terminal Nein.” Belgium has announced the King Leopold II...