More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world. 'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief. 'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew...

Weirdo trillionaire, Elon Musk, has been summonsed by the Lunar Magistrates' Court we can report. Specifically in the matter of aggravated fly-tipping a large chunk of space rocket in or around the vicinity of the Moon's Einstein Crater. An environment spokesman for the Man in the Moon said, 'This guy Musk has been caught bang to rights. Just say the guvnor had been out for a stroll and that pile of scrap metal landed on him. He'd not have been too best pleased I can tell you. We're taking...

Members of Liz Truss’s team are said to be delighted with the progress she’s making on the reception class mathematics book they bought her last week. One high profile but low competence cabinet minister who’s part of the team said: ‘We’re delighted with Liz’s progress. She’s currently got her two times table buttoned up and after she passes her little exam tomorrow she’s pressing ahead with the threes. Given a bit of luck and cramming she may be up to twelve by September. Everyone’s very...