TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.

US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said, 'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during the soccer...

Youtuber Arthur Brain has posted a video explaining to his three million subscribers just why the third heatwave of the UK summer is proof that his theory is correct and the bunkum about global warming spouted by 'scientists' is pure fantasy Brain, 19, maintains that the sun has actually been moved closer to Earth by God because too many people moaned about the cold. 'It's obvious' he said, 'The sun was a safe distance of 93 miles from Earth and has been moved 5 miles and is now only 88 miles...