"Britain's voters have angered Nigel Farage, High Priest of the Great Sun God, by deserting him in the opinion polls and sniggering that he's about to face a by-election ballot against a dustbin," ranted chief Farage acolyte Zia Yusuf.

A BBC investigation has revealed that illegal cigarettes, sold under the counter at many innocent-looking convenience stores, are every bit as dangerous as the legal ones they also sell.

Another terrible smell is permeating through the corridors of power: Larry the Downing Street cat's overflowing litter tray. Caretaker Prime Minister, part-time scarecrow and full time oxygen thief, Boris Johnson, is refusing to make a decision on emptying Larry's litter tray, saying that it is the responsibility of the next Tory Leader and he doesn't want to "step on any toes". Sadly, he's been stepping on a lot more as there are now clumps all over the kitchen floor. Johnso

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Former dictator Bashar al-Assad has been forced to cancel his week long run of stand up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe after the Syrian courts sentenced him to death in his absence.

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Following the death of Rod Liddle the Sunday Times is seeking to hire a new “bloke down the pub” or “golf club bore” type to write a column every week.

A potential blockbuster film has had to reshoot multiple, high cost scenes because the director failed to notice the moon was waxing. Or waning, whatever. The scenes were 'ruined' because it is a Hollywood requirement that night shots only occur when there is a full moon.

Having targeted the illegal activities of Donald Trump, the FBI said it was a matter of days until they investigated the other criminal Presidents – if by days, you meant eons. Be it George W. lying about WMD, Bill Clinton’s sex trafficking or Obama for the crime of being a massive disappointment; the FBI insisted they would bring them all to justice. Sorry did we say ‘justice’. We meant Disney World. The FBI would bring them to Disney World. Said one FBI officer: ‘Raiding Do

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Asylum seekers across the UK are heading for Dover in a desperate bid to return home after the government started putting them up in Travelodge hotels.

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