TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.

England's defeat to Argentina in the World Cup semi final means that they must now hand over control of the Falkland Islands to the South Americans. In his last week on the job - and presumably drunk - Keir Starmer suggested a double or quits rematch with the Isle of Wight as collateral, alongside the Isle of Man, the Isle of Dogs and the Isle of Wight again, just to make sure.

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What we need now more than ever is new laws to stop people getting their hands on um those, bang-bang weapons, ’ declared Joe Biden in a press conference this morning. ‘In the wrong hands these, er bullet-pointers cause far more misery than they prevent. That’s why I telephoned Former Ex President er Crumpet and asked him to support my plans to curtail those, er stick ‘em up machines which so many of my fellow Americans conceal in plain sight. But former president Trump said

Why settle for preventing global warming when you can enjoy the far more exciting process of warming the globe, setting it on fire, and then putting it out again? With 4% of global warming caused by plane travel, firefighting aircraft prove that with enough aviation fuel, every environmental problem can become a growth sector.

England manager Thomas Tuchel has confirmed that his World Cup squad has practiced deliberately but surreptitiously punching the ball into the goal ahead of their semi-final match against Argentina. Players such as Harry Kane and Anthony Gordon, who are already skilled at diving in the penalty area and feigning injury, are said to be excited at adding a new cheating aspect to their game.

Following his sincere not sincere tribute to Anne Widdicombe, Nigel Farage has been identified as the next, best method actor.

A Grimsby man has told of the 'harrowing ten-hour ordeal' he endured when having to watch an entire series of Bear Grylls survival shows. Tim Hogarth said: 'It was my turn to have access to my son Daniel for the weekend, so with a long Saturday stretching out before us I was delighted when he suggested we just stayed in, ordered pizza and streamed box sets. 'How was I to know the silly little bugger had become obsessed with Bear Grylls and his ludicrous survival drivel. God h

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Scientists have unveiled the world’s first Sam Neill Park, an ambitious attraction populated entirely by genetically recreated versions of the New Zealand actor as he appeared throughout his forty-year film career.

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It took Keir Starmer a whole year to realise that undoing his top button is all it takes to be a great Prime Minister. Burnham has wasted no time in identifying dad jeans as the quickest route to solving the UK’s debt crisis. His entire economic strategy fits on a Post-it note: "Wear rectangular glasses. Look concerned. Repeat."

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