'We realise that Google executive Matt Brittin has zero experience in the broadcasting sector,' said a spokesman for the BBC Board of Governors, while placing burning matches between the new Director-General's toes, 'but Matt proved that he's a voracious glutton for punishment and that's exactly what the job entails. 'He impressed us right off the bat at the interview when he entered the room with a bed of nails and lay down on it before demonstrating his ability to walk over

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'I thought I'd go for a round in that Persian Gulf,' Trump told a collection of attentive tee pegs. 'But boy, was it hard. Too many water hazards and sand traps. I gave it my best shot - about 15,000 shots with Tomahawk missiles and such like, but I just ended up getting stuck in the rough. 'I guess I'll have to do what I always do when I'm losing - pick up my ball and walk away, saying I won. I'll put it down on my scorecard as twelve under par. 'From now on, I'll be play

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Angry French protestors have taken to the streets of Bordeaux after the government imposed a rather indifferent pot-au-feu that may have been over seasoned. Cars were set alight and buildings ransacked as furious pensioners demanded a simple but rather delicious confit de canard. A spokesperson said: ‘Macron is forcing Pinot Noir down our throats, and it tastes a bit corked. We've had an œuf.' The French government is asking people to emulate British protestors by staying at

The newly launched app-based 'First UK Cyberbank' says that it could not find a sassy, wacky and cheeky name, because all the good ones had gone. And it isn't thrilled with its initials, either. 'People will still remember Goldfish, Egg and Smile,' said a spokes-suit. 'Online customers know about Starling and Atom and Zilch and Biscuit and Monzo and Revolut. We wanted a short, memorable and snappy name too, but it was not to be. 'Our preferred list of names included Zing, B

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US ConstitutionBritain's National Lottery has unveiled a new contest based on the next power-crazed thing that comes into Donald Trump's tiny mind. 'We're playing for high stakes here,' said a spokes-scratchcard for the organisation. 'For instance, had we been playing the game last month and someone guessed that Trump would start a war with Iran, they would have scooped half a million quid. 'From now on, if you correctly guess that Trump will suspend the US constitution and m

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again. Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through.  The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits. A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay the

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A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged. "I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of

'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. 'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf. 'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there." Iran has said that in the real world no member of its govern

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success. 'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by open