Taking full blame for the Mid-Term losses, the President said he would transcend human form – and that “sorry” was too small a word for what he was. He also forgave the Democrats, concluding that their dislike of him was simply the universe struggling to understand itself. Speaking from the Mount, Trump became so profoundly self-aware that every criticism of him was instantly answered with: “Yes. That too is me”. A spokeswoman said he intends to relinquish his ego completely,

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TOKYO — The Tokyo Edamame Barbers' Guild has defended its signature 0.1mm fade cut after a customer complained that his appetiser 'looked smug,' insisting the gradient is not decoration but courtesy. The cut, in which each soybean is individually trimmed with 12mm shears forged by a single family in Seki, takes eleven years to learn. Apprentices spend the first three years washing beans. In the fourth year they are allowed to watch a bean being cut. Cutting begins in year s

Following fears that the AI bubble might be about to burst, a coalition of AI robots from Chat PGTips, Philanthropic, Google’s Deep Mind the Gap and that weird guy Derek from down your road who’s always in his garage late at night, banging and crashing and producing a curious metallic voice as shadows and bright light dance around the edges of the flip door – a coalition of all of the above has announced they are to come out on strike in December. They are demanding measures

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'I can't understand why TV schedulers will only be transmitting our movie at 2 am,' said a spokesmouse for the Walt Disn'tney Corporation, 'because it's a heart-warming love story for the 2020s. 'You have the First Lady, Melania, who's a high-class, nose-in-the-air, top model pedigree bitch. The Trump is a no-class, lying, cheating, lowlife, flea-ridden, backstreet mutt. The Trump offers the First Lady (kennel name: Eva Braun) a fortune to marry him and make him seem someho

Among all their passive incomes, second jobs and consultancy, MPs seem to have forgotten what their day job is – other than putting in expenses claims. When asked what they thought the £80,000 salary was for, most replied: ‘New ties?’. In the Register of Members’ Financial Interests, one Minister said: ‘Yes, please, I'm interested in money – where can get some more?’. The other top three financial interests were said to be a postal address at the Cayman Islands, Nazi gold and

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The UK is suffering from one of its semi-regular bouts of collective amnesia today as no one within its borders will admit to ever finding Russell Brand entertaining. 'I know it technically looks like we made Brand a multimillionaire by watching his shows and buying his books and that,' said an elected spokesman who gave his name simply as Andy. 'But wasn't us. Have you seen what he's been convicted of? No way we'd have ever heaped endless acclaim and opportunity on scum like

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A report that the top 1% of earners are likely to exceed the COP26 climate targets has been countered by the observation that the 50% of the poorest people on the planet are 'very unlikely' to exceed emission limits is seen as progress. 'Clearly wealth is a barrier to achieving our goal of stopping climate change,' said a government spokesperson today, 'so if the government continues to ensure the majority of the UK has a declining income then we are likely to achieve the ne

Judges have ruled that the two shows are similar enough for a lawsuit to progress to court. 'ITV News at Ten,' argues BBC News at Ten, is effectively a reboot of the series, which has been made without proper permission or credit. A three-judge panel said there are "clear and numerous similarities", which means the case can go ahead. Listing the similarities between the two shows, the court cited the news desk setting, the fast pace, use of location reporters, massive graphi