Generations of received wisdom about regional toughness have been thrown into doubt after water scientists confirmed that people in London and the South East are officially considerably harder than people in Manchester, Liverpool and most of Yorkshire. The discovery was made after researchers realised that maps showing water hardness could also be used to settle arguments about which parts of Britain are hardest. 'London is absolutely rock hard,' said one hydrologist. 'You o

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1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools 2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to

Police forces across the UK are on high alert after a shipment of WWLND wristbands, intended for the USA, was blown off course and dumped Blackpool. ‘Americans are better suited to Liam Neeson’s way of life,' a police spokesman told us. ‘They’re already armed, and they kill one another anyway. A typical Liam Neeson plot is just a normal schoolday over there. The British male spends his time mowing the lawn, drinking tea and tutting. He just isn’t ready.' Sandra (37) bought

Andy Burnham’s approval ratings have surged since he masterfully deployed the national emergency alert system. In a stroke of genius the alert told the public to use basic common sense. It instantly framed recent wildfires as the fault of thick members of the public and definitely nothing to do with being poorly prepared or the lack of long-term strategy to address climate change or underfunding the Fire Service. Critics saying that BBQs have not caused a single recent UK w

Security forces have discovered a 'highly suspicious' character wandering around Donald Trump’s golf course in Rancho Palos Verdes. 'The man didn't have so much as a pea-shooter,' explained Sergeant Bangbang of the California police. 'I don't know what he was thinking of. Luckily we carry a spare Glock in the trunk, so he was able to obey his right to carry and we sent him on his way.' Image credit: Wix AI Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can

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author: robfalconer

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Home Office Ministers have tasked their civil servants with finding suitable accommodation for the thousands of migrants arriving in small boats. In the case, suitable means depressing, demeaning and humiliating – while remaining, of course, legal. The logic is that migrants must have accommodation that is worse than that enjoyed by most voters. The accommodation must convince the electorate that every expense is being spared. Accommodation on the floating barge, the Bibby St

Dorothy Duvet, a voter in Clacton, has refused to leave the polling station where she voted last week. 'I'm not walking all the way home again in this heat,' complained Dorothy, 86. 'I'm just going to wait here until the next by-election. It took me all afternoon to just read the ballot paper, and that was after I managed to find my reading glasses.' 'I'm exhausted now. Do you have a glass of water, please? Then all I need is somewhere to sit quietly, out of the sun and

Holmes called faithful housekeeper Mrs Hudson into his consulting room. Watson stood behind his chair looking serious. Holmes coughed, clearly uncomfortable with what he was about to say. “Mrs Hudson, Watson and I have noticed that the number of biscuits placed upon our saucers at tea time has decreased by thirty-three percent. I am unable to account for this. I see no evidence of you squirrelling away part of the shopping money to spend on gin, fancy clothes or to give to

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Nigel Farage has decided to announce his resignation as an MP, triggering another by-election.