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Starmer answers critics


Prime Minister (at the time of writing) Keir Starmer has hit back at critics who say the ban on under 16s using social media is unworkable. Stating that critics have no idea how easy it is for government to monitor online activity of citizens, he laid out the punishments being considered for children who break the new law.


First offenders will be fined two packets of Panini stickers and a vape, with repeat offenders having their houses raided, all computers and phones confiscated, and being declared terrorists.




Burnham: I'll say whatever it takes to solve UK's problems


"I give this pledge to the Labour Party and the electorate about what I am resolved to do," said Prime Ministerial hopeful and T-shirt model Andy Burnham. "I will be fearless in saying everything in my power to become leader and make Britain happy.


"I will state, forthrightly and in no uncertain terms, that it's time to defy Labour's bleeding heart, left-wing backbenchers, slash welfare spending and boost Britain's defences.


"I will also be utterly resolute in saying that we must devote all our resources to nationalising utilities and fighting the great curse of social inequality.


"It all depends on whether I am speaking boldly and honestly to The Daily Telegraph or The Guardian.


"So saying, Burnham went back to canvassing in Makerfield, handing out copies of either Socialist Worker and Soldier of Fortune magazine to passers-by, depending on what type of voter they seemed to be.




Royal watcher thanks generous neighbours


An avid Royal watcher from Swindon has thanked her 'kindly' neighbours  for allowing her to watch the trooping the colour on their 50 inch TV. Rose Johnson, 57 has been unable to afford a TV of her own since her 12 year old knock off set broke down, despite working two jobs and selling everything else she could get any money for. The family at number 28, who don't want to be named because the whole thing made them feel sick, said  'It's the least we could do really. We would have given her something to eat too, but the food bank has that covered, and we don't want this to become a regular thing.'


When asked why she was so desperate to see the event, Rose said 'Well. I haven't got much and I really find the royals inspirational. I have been a loyal follower for as long as I can remember. It just shows that if you work hard, there is always a chance that one day it could be you. I know it's too late for me now, but we must support this glorious institution, and vote Reform to get rid of the riffraff. I once tried to get a colleague the sack for telling a ghastly joke about Princess Diana.'




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