Royal Lodge clean up to cost millions

Specialist cleaners are assessing the damage at the Royal Lodge in Windsor now that Andrew Mountanything Windsor has been kicked out.

'King Charles wants everything to be sterilised, and we have carte blanche to cart away anything that's beyond saving,' said a hench looking Hinch lookalike.

'We found a lot of staining in almost every room. Stained satin curtains are really hard to clean - even harder than dealing with a stained reputation. Don't tell the King I said that. Just my little joke. I expect those curtains are a goner.

'The Royals always favoured fabric wall covering - that's going to be an expensive mistake. Worst of all is that we've found black mould in seven of the bedrooms. You'd expect that on a council estate, but not here. I can't imagine Prince Philip putting up with black mould.

'The worst room was an antechamber, which was used as a TV room. We've cleared out a lot of pizza boxes - I can't tell you which brand, obviously. The grease has penetrated the wing backed sofa, and you wouldn't believe where we found pepperoni and sausage. Someone didn't like it, I reckon, and started throwing it around. Or maybe someone misunderstood the rules of hide the sausage.

'Between you and me, some of this stuff will have to be burnt. I don't think Charles will be happy, but at least he can put the ashes on the veg patch.

'This is going to cost millions to clean up. I don't reckon that Andrew will deal with the bill. By which I mean the invoice, of course, not the rozzers.'

Image credit: perchance.org

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Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town.

‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting.  I never thought that my collection would grow to be of international significance.’

Parish councillor Bernard Dredge says that the rubber band collection has put the town on the map.  But not in a good way.  According to him ‘International significance’ is definitely stretching it.

‘I find rubber bands every day,’ said Colin.  ‘They are usually on the pavement, sometimes in the gutter and sometimes on driveways. They are never in the same place twice, so I have to be on the lookout all the time, to make sure that I don’t miss any.  Some people think it’s unhygienic to pick them up, but I disinfect them in a dustbin before adding them to my collection, so that they don’t smell.’  The collection now fills six rooms in Colin’s parent’s house, a double garage and the shed. ‘I’ve sorted them by size,’ says Colin, animatedly.  'I'm saving up to start a museum, to show them off properly.'

Colin does not know where the rubber bands come from, but there are always more each day, except on Sundays and Bank Holidays.  ‘They might be brought here by birds, who think they are worms.  But then they drop them because they are too chewy.  Or they might be pinged out of the windows of passing cars.  Or perhaps there is a rubber-clad rubber band fairy who brings them?  Nobody knows.  It’s a mystery.’

Colin is 58.

A spokesman for the Royal Mail was unavailable for comment.

Image credit: perchance.org