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Farage to punish fickle electorate by hiding the sun

"Britain's voters have angered Nigel Farage, High Priest of the Great Sun God, by deserting him in the opinion polls and sniggering that he's about to face a by-election ballot against a dustbin," ranted chief Farage acolyte Zia Yusuf.


"To rebuke them, he will call upon the great God of The Sun (aka Rupert Murdoch) to hide his heavenly light at 7.30 on Wednesday evening, plunging the entire UK into darkness. But if you promise to vote Reform forever onwards, he might think about bringing the sun back out.


"Want to see your precious sun again, Sunshine?" posted Farage on social media. "Text SORRYSACREDECLIPSEMASTER and send me Bitcoin and your ballot paper.


"No. That's not enough. I need more Bitcoin than that."





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Illegal cigarettes “every bit as dangerous as legal ones”

A BBC investigation has revealed that illegal cigarettes, sold under the counter at many innocent-looking convenience stores, are every bit as dangerous as the legal ones they also sell.


“This is absolutely disgraceful,” said a Home Office minister. “Many people, often poor and ill-educated, are destroying their health with these evil, addictive products, and the Treasury isn’t making a penny out of it.”


When an aide suggested that might sound a bit callous, the minister explained “Look, it costs the NHS a fortune every year to treat completely unnecessary illnesses caused by smoking. Unless we also make a fortune in tax when people buy the fags, the maths just doesn’t add up.


”Besides, the tobacco companies give us millions every year, and they won’t be happy if we don’t clamp down on this… hang on, is this microphone still on?”


The minister then took a call from a water supplier, who complained it was very expensive to treat raw sewage, and asked whether they could just feed it back into the water supply instead. “Hmmm,” said the minister, “is there any way we could tax it?”





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Sunday Times seeks new “bloke down the pub” columnist

Following the death of Rod Liddle the Sunday Times is seeking to hire a new “bloke down the pub” or “golf club bore” type to write a column every week.


Inviting candidates to submit a sample article, the ad suggests people think of 1,000 words that might comfortably sit between “I was talking to this bloke down the pub, and he reckons” and “Spose you can’t say that any more”. Points will be deducted for citing any evidence beyond your gut feeling on the issue, attacking anyone with the power to fight back, referring to Muslims as anything other than “Muslamics”, or saying “I’m not racist/sexist” without instantly proving that you are.


Reports suggest the job was initially offered to comedian Al Murray, who patiently explained “No, the pub landlord’s a character, I’m actually very intelligent.”


Liddle’s family have declined to talk about his death, though one insider has suggested he was so ecstatic over the news a black Cambridge professor turned out to be a fraud that he didn’t even make it to his word processor before expiring with a look of serene happiness on his face.


However, the paper said that the official verdict that Liddle died of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder should in no way discourage candidates from writing that the smoking ban in pubs is “a gross infringement of a free-born Englishman’s civil liberties”, people who are against smoking are just “puritans and killjoys” and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway. 


“It’s what he would have wanted.”




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