Pearl clutchers 'secretly relieved' by the return of Meghan Markle

The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. 

Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration.

'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her with the heat of a thousand suns, based purely on the colour of her skin. What fun! I'm not a racist – well, not a common racist, like that ghastly Nigel Farage. The newspapers are on my side.'

'I did buy some Harry and Meghan crockery, but only so I could smash it like a Greek wedding. Hooray! I mean... Booo!'

Image credit: deep dream generator. Two for one offer on Meghan Markle, apparently.

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'Repetitive' Classic FM blames lazy composers

A radio listener has complained to Classic FM that, after four hundred years of classical music, it only broadcasts four pieces: Cavatina, the Warsaw Concerto, Borodin's Polovtsian Dances and Shostakovich's Waltz Number 2.  

Classic FM has responded by blaming classical composers, who, it says, have been resting on their laurels for four hundred years.

'What has Bach, Beethoven, Brahms and Liszt ever written?'  asked a Classic FM executive. 'Absolutely nothing worthwhile, that is, nothing that's been featured on television adverts.

Image credit: deep dream generator

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AI start-up with no staff sells for $40bn

An AI start-up with no staff, no premises, no cash and no offices has sold for $40bn.

The LA-based start-up went viral in a series of TikTok videos which resulted in the company being bought out. The videos are positive and uplifting stories about skateboarding kittens, rocket powered sailing boats, curing cancer, manned missions to other galaxies, and the simple joy of eating the cheesy snacks called Cheetos.

'These guys have created a whole new zeitgeist. It's awesome,' a Silicon Valley stoner told us.

Investment bankers are impressed at the price for a company with no discernable assets, but admitted that you had to be quick these days, or the competition would get there first.

As we went to press, the new shareholders were digesting rumours that the start-up may, in fact, have been a hallucination created by an AI, and were wondering if they might be able to get their money back.

Image credit: Wix AI

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