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European leaders ask Japanese to develop 500” and 1,000” TVs

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After peace talks in Yankeeland failed to interest the US President in stopping the war in Ukraine, a new initiative in offering Putin a 500” TV that he can do Zoom call on from his absurdly long desk to offer as an incentive to pull out of Ukraine is hoped might provide the diplomatic solution needed.


A second 1,000” TV to be given to Trump, has also been requested, so he can fall asleep watching golf, with reporters whispering even more quietly at crucial moments, so they don’t wake him up, is expected to help in restoring normality to the world economy.




Drink yourself thin!

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Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat.  'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior nutritionist today, 'every study over the last half Century has pointed to food being linked to obesity'.  Doctors agree, the idea that someone could eat themselves thin is 'nonsense' and 'highly misleading', according to many studies.   Proponents of the concept reluctantly agree that eating is linked in some way to obesity.


Researchers have noted that whisky and other spirits are carbohydrate free.  'A bottle of whisky is enough to fuel the average male for a day, will aid sleep and will wash harmless amounts of snacks down easily.  You never see a fat drunk, apart from that uncle everyone avoids talking about,' said a reseacher reaching for a bottle.  'And whisky drinking is associated with vigorous exercise,' he added, 'according to the study sponsor, Johnny Walker.




If Ukraine war ends, how will Starmer get to do his serious face?

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Any peace plan must include alternate photo ops, insisted Sir Keir, who was worried that voters would discover he has nothing else to do with his time. His events calendar normally comprises of -


5% cosplay in an army outfit.


7% standing in silhouette by a door.


10% walking in slow-mo through a garden, nodding sagely at sage.


78% readjusting camera angles to make himself look taller


This is the first peace proposal to include a performer rider, with Sir Keir demanding hundreds of statesmen-like poses in designer outfits, all paid for by dubious means. In private he is said to have been furious that he may have to go back to images of him been shouted at by pub landlords or that video of him with a punchbag, that makes him look like a bellend.





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