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Sam Allardyce to Run Venezuela

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In an unexpected move, following the arrest and extradition of Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump has announced that interim control of Venezuela will be taken by perennial stopgap Sam Allardyce.


Speaking from his command centre in the main ballroom of Mar-a-Lago while staff set up for lunch, the President told assembled journalists his reasoning, 'I needed someone who'd clean up the country,' he said. 'What better person to do that than a man who's made his entire career out of being a caretaker manager? Though we call them janitors here, not caretakers, not sure why, it's a good word, good word. Big Sam is a man after my own heart, taking over failing organisations, and leaving after twelve months having sent them even further down. Smart guy. He's also got great business sense, knowing how to get around rules and regulations to solve problems, and he lets his son carry the can when things go wrong. For me, it's like looking in a mirror, which I'd do if I cast a reflection.'


In Caracas, the newly-installed CEO of Trump Industries South America (formerly Venezuela) gave his thoughts at his surprise appointment. 'This isn't my first time trying to solve problems in destitution,' He remarked, 'Remember, in the past I've managed both Bolton and Sunderland. I'm not too keen on the uniform, and it's a bit over-the-top making me wear my playoff and division three medals all the time, but apparently the locals like a leader with a bit of razzmatazz. Things here will be alright, just as soon as I can convince them to play 4-4-2, and they let me appoint Kevin Nolan as my Vice-President. My only big question is, given this is South America, what's the wine production like in this country?'


Image: WixAI

Mutiny over the Bounties - Man 'bewildered' by absence of treats

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A Warrington man has described his sense of bafflement on discovering a complete dearth of chocolate oranges, mince pies, alcoholic drinks and confectionery.


'I went to the usual place', he told reporters 'but there were just a couple of little Bounties. I don't like them. Nobody does. I think they only include them as a desperation test'.


Scientists have described the state of his cupboards as 'normal' and suggested something called 'normality' - an interesting concept but unlikely to catch on.


Search engines have reported millions of queries of 'How long till next Christmas?' alongside questions about career moves and offers to swap little Bounties for something edible.


The next Bank Holiday is expected in around 40 years' time.


The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

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January, the month of misery, when gyms sell 99.95%* of their subscriptions and otherwise literate people pronounce ‘January’ as ‘Veganuary’. Like that’s a word.


The Vegetarian Police have announced a crackdown on ‘backsliding’.


‘Several offences were reported to our Hotline over the festive season’, a spokesveggie told us. ‘Some minor infractions – not checking which fat the chips were cooked in – some pretty serious stuff – claiming fish ‘don’t count’ – and a number of critical incidents involving turkey.


‘We remind all vegetarians that you can’t grow a fish in a pot on the windowsill – so it isn’t a vegetable. If it’s got eyes, it’s out of bounds’.


The Vegetarian Police don’t have the authority to lock people up – that’s restricted to the Vegans – but they can administer some serious tuttings.


Roll on February.



*The other 0.05% are just weird



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