Queen to replace Windsor Castle with a Pyramid in preparation for imminent demise

Windsor and Maidenhead council have given the royal household planning permission to demolish the old energy-inefficient castle and replace it with a 500-foot high Egyptian pyramid.

A spokesperson said the permission had been granted following reports that emissions from the castle had completely melted a Swiss glacier.

Her Majesty was ecstatic with the decision. ‘It’s what one has always wanted,’ she said, in between drags on one of the royal families own brand e-cigarettes.

‘One has no double glazing, and it’s exceptionally draughty. One is also informed that the sixteenth-century central heating system, which is powered by the crushed bones of universal benefit claimants, is not sustainable in the long term.

Apart from a pyramid being a magnificent celebration of the greatest and longest-ruling monarch ever in British history, it will be carbon neutral. A pyramid, you see, is hermetically sealed, and there will be no emissions. Well, apart from the screams from my faithful retainers, who one is taking with one, but that should die down in a week or so.’

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TV stations announce new approach to cookery programmes

Amid news that supermarkets have been filling gaps on their shelves with pictures and cardboard replicas of produce, television companies have been rushing to produce cooking programmes using cardboard cut-outs of celebrity chefs along with replica soundtracks from previous episodes when they each had a go at cooking the same dishes.

A spokesperson for the BBC explained: 'We've known for a long time, that although these programmes are popular and interest people in exciting recipes, they were only ever watched by people under 50, because older people already know how to cook. We also know that although these programmes are educational, which ticks a box in our charter, not a single person under 50 has ever attempted to try the recipes themselves, preferring instead to buy a ready meal version of it.

When asked whether the older generation would miss seeing celebrity chefs cook in person, Agnes Smith from Lancashire said “Course I won't. They only ever cooked foreign muck. There isn't one of them who had a go at doing proper food like tripe and onions or a pigs' trotter stew.”

Entrepreneurs from the graphics industry have however seen an opportunity in producing cardboard cut-outs of viewers who can watch the new cookery programmes whilst those who buy them can go down the pub, like they used to when Agnes was a lass, making sure of course, that she put the veg on to cook before leaving the home.

It's rumoured Nigel Farage once picked up a cardboard cut-out of Gordon Ramsay from a skip and took it home to keep him company, pretending he has a friend. Said a source close to the former leader of political parties various: “It may be difficult to get Farage to part with it, but if they could run to a packet of fags and a pint of Old and Filthy, you never know your luck.”

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Terrorist organisation not claiming responsibility for any of its attacks on the UK

An unnamed terrorist group has been operating within the UK for some time, conducting a series of heinous and despicable attacks on the British public. Police and security services are reluctant to name the organisation for fear of further severe recriminations against them.

It is believed that the current leader of the group spent many years operating in a London-based cell before campaigns of death and destruction were moved up to a national level. The terrorist organisation has an unfathomably large number of members and backers and is very well funded by wealthy donors, many based in Britain.

The public have been warned that no part of the UK is safe, and that almost every individual and organisation operating in the UK has suffered personal and material losses. It is understood that the terrorist organisation is responsible for the deaths of more than 150,000 people, many in circumstances too sickening to describe.

If you suspect you have been targeted, it has been suggested that there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. All of the institutions which would normally seek to investigate these numerous and widespread terrorist crimes and act against them have been deliberately undermined to a point of impotence.

Anyone with any information has been urged not to come forward, keep their mouth shut, and pretend like it isn't happening.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/thedigitalway-3008341/