I want a Swatch outstrips Cost of Living as UK's top crisis

All the pain and suffering of life in modern Britain has been laid bare as the country's poorest jostle and fight to hand over £335 each for a plastic watch.

"Sure, I'm on benefits and life is hard," said Dwayne Scally, jumping the queue outside a Swatch store in Liverpool to get a coveted "Royal Pop" pocket watch.

"But life will be unbearable unless I get one of them mini-clock things to show me mates down the pub."

"Then I'll flog it on eBay, probably, as well as the other two that I intend to nick," Scally confided.

Labour leadership hopefuls Angela Rayner, Andy Burnham and Wes Streeting have all promised a special Swatch allowance to anyone who's desperate to buy one of these absurdly overpriced toy-like timepieces and who promises to vote Labour in future by-elections.

image from Google Gemini

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

The Prince of Wales is cashing in on the fact that a pasty is essentially a treasure chest where the treasure is edible and the chest is made of cardboard and sawdust. It’s the only food where the filling is the meal and the rest is concrete. The twenty percent represents all of the tasty part and the only recognisable section that be considered actual food—leaving us with a hollow shell of a crust, a bit like Prince Andrew.

Said a Royal spokeswoman; 'The crust isn’t there for flavour—it’s there to remind you life is hard before things get good. A Cornish pasty is a reverse sandwich, insofar as people like sandwiches. You don’t finish a pasty—you excavate it, abandoning the rubble.' The Crown expects to raise £500m with sale, which will be invested in a nice sausage roll from Greggs.

image from pixabay

I won't mouse for anyone but Keir, vows Larry

Downing Street mouser Larry the Cat has put his paw down over who occupies Number 10, saying that if Keir goes, he goes too.

"There've been almost as many Prime Ministers through this door recently as I've got lives," muttered Larry, sitting on the front step, discontentedly licking his rear end.

"Boris was the worst to mouse for. He and Charles Moore would just hurl them through the gates at the plebs passing by on Whitehall.

"'Go on, you vermin!' they'd bray. "Have some vermin for your dinner!'

"Liz Truss would swallow my mice whole, dozens at a time, like oysters. No class, that woman... and certifiably insane.

"Rishi would douse his with cumin, turmeric, chilli powder and fenugreek. Yikes! I ate some of the scraps and I was in the cat litter for one week solid.

"But Keir's my sort. For two years he's eaten my mice plain as God intended, every night, with boiled rice and vanilla ice cream for afters.

"God knows what the next PM's going to be like," mewed Larry with a shudder.

At press time, socialist firebrand and possible leadership contender Angela Rayner was parading outside Number Ten with a placard reading: "No mogs! No Starmers!"

Image from Gemini Google

Hat tip to Lucifer