top of page
Search

Child still has unopened Easter Eggs

In a miracle worthy of Jesus himself, 9 year old Simon Johnson of Milton Keynes still has 5 unopened Easter Eggs.


Parents of the prissy pre-adolescent, Gary and Dawn, have been left scratching their heads in disbelief.


"He had 7 Easter eggs," Gary told our reporter. "A big one from us, one each from Dawn's mum and dad, and one from my mum, and three from his different uncles and aunts."


"He spent all of Easter Sunday eating chocolate, with a break for half an hour to complain about a tummy ache and then another fifteen minutes of vomiting... and he still has 5 unopened eggs left. It's a bloody miracle. It's like the loaves and fishes thing all over again. We have no idea how he does it. He must be some sort of Messiah. He only finished his last selection box last Tuesday."



Dark side of the moon “a bit disappointing, to be honest”

An astronaut on the Artemis II mission has caused upset by saying that the dark side of the moon was “a bit disappointing, to be honest”.


“Don’t get me wrong, it’s amazing we can do it,” said Astronaut Dave Concrete. “Great scientific achievement, and all that.


”It’s just, I’ve gotta be honest - it does look a bit dull. It’s basically grey rock. Pretty much like the side we can see from Earth, come to think of it. Reckon the Pink Floyd album woulda been pretty tedious if they’d known what they were writing about.”


He was then taken aside by his superior officer, who said “Look, what if Neil Armstrong had stepped onto the moon and said how boring and featureless it was? Think what a let down that would have been.


“Luckily it didn’t seem boring to him. That’s why they picked someone from Ohio to go first.”



Walter Reed hospital asked to step up

With injured US servicemen and women on the uptick Walter Reed has had to increase its workload, but the focus on the hospital is currently centred on just one patient.


'We can confirm the President is in attendance for his weekly annual check-up, and his fortnightly one-off colouring test,' said a spokesman for Walter Reed today.  'Nothing to be concerned about, we carry out these routine checks routinely on some Presidents.  This President specifically, but we had contingency plans for Ronald Reagan, George Doubl-ya and, well all Republican Presidents in the last sixty years.  We just like to make sure the President is in tip-top condition and coloured orange,' added the spokesman.


Some people are saying they aren't going far enough.  Well, everybody who isn't a billionaire, an autocratic despot, an arms manufacturer or a crypto scam artist which in many cases could all be the same person, but pretty much everyone else. 


'Surely the potential for an accidental lethal dose isn't too much to pray for?' asked a multitude, ranging from ordinary American citizens to ordinary citizens of approximately 160 other nations.


A Walter Reed spokesman said the suggestion was 'unethical' and questioned how any doctor could realistically assess brain stem death anyway.  




bottom of page