top of page
Search

Mortgages added to give curriculum a fantasy setting

ree

Ministers are recommending that students now study things they will never have, like jobs, affordable health care and the abstract concept of hope. Originally mortgage management was to be part of the maths curriculum, but it now sits in English Literature alongside other works of fiction.


For those who are more serious about mortgages there is an extra history module, where owning your own house is traced back to the fall of the Roman Empire. There will also be courses to learn how to spot AI, delivered by AI and where every piece of work submitted will be by an AI.


Those graduating will be qualified to rent a property of their own choice, provided it is one room for £2000 p/m. They will then have the option to study a PhD in "how I'm paying my landlord's mortgage, while I eat gruel".



New plans to 'improve' school for SEN children

ree

As schools struggle to fund staffing, appropriate facilities and resources for the increasing numbers of SEN children in mainstream schools, the Education Secretary has unveiled her latest sensible, well thought out and definitely non discriminatory idea to educationalists.


The elegant solution to the lack of resources is to tie helium balloons to the children and tether them to a pole for the day. The poles will have the alphabet, times tables, quadratic equations and Latin inscribed onto them, so the children will undoubtedly learn these as they happily bob up and down.


Other educationalists, themselves unburdened by compassion or relevant experience were quick to support the idea. 'Think of the money we'll save!' said one. 'Ad astra' she went on joyfully, 'as long as the children remain tethered.'



Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

ree

"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.


"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?


"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.


"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.


"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?


"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."



bottom of page