Amazon seeks permission for increased drone deliveries

Following a successful pilot over parts of Darlington where small parcels were delivered by air-borne drone, e-commerce retailer Amazon has requested permission from the Civil Aviation Authority to cover the whole of the Darlington area.

Items delivered by drone are limited to packages that can fit inside a large shoebox and weigh less than 5lb.  Eligible customers who want to use the service also have to have neighbours who have a garden, yard, or driveway, so that the package can be misdelivered in much the same way as it would if taken there by van.

photo: newsbiscuit archive

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'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over.

'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.'

'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stunned one close aide to the Prime Minister, 'we began to check the numbers, and then realised that we don't need to check the numbers - we can just say it's not a crisis and everyone will just... forget? I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner.'

PipeDream went on to suggest the entire situation has been one big misunderstanding. 'We don't believe there was ever a crisis to begin with,' they said to a bewildered audience industry movers and shakers, 'Our research strongly indicates this crisis was due to a typo. It should have been a 'cost of living CRUISES', and we recommend that the government immediately partner-up with P&O to rectify this national grievance.'

However, not everyone has been convinced by this revelation. Steve, from 'the local back alley' stated, 'Errr, I'm not being funny, but I'm still homeless and I don't know where my next meal will come from. Still, it's nice to know there's no longer a national crisis - just a personal one. Can you spare any change?'

The aide continued, 'we have already opened applications for the inevitable demand for street parties that'll swarm the nation due to this fantastic news. I hear Waitrose has an excellent party platter, and now we can now all finally afford it. Rejoice!'

Story: Edward Bartholomew Tetanus Bag

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

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Man shocked he’s still overweight despite owning £5,000 worth of fitness gear

A call centre operator from Overton has revealed that despite spending several thousand pounds on fitness equipment, he remains overweight - something he describes as ‘very disappointing, considering the investment'.

42-year-old Dan Chubb explained: 'My GP told me I was clinically obese. I thought that was a bit rude, seeing as I'd only popped in to pick up my mum's prescription for haemorrhoid cream. Still, I took it seriously and signed up at the local gym. The instructor said I needed a fitness watch, so I bought an Apple Watch. It cost over £800, but he told me if you want to take your health seriously, you've got to have all the best kit. It actually comes in really useful for timing how long it takes my Deliveroo order to arrive – when I remember to charge it, that is.'

Brushing biscuit crumbs from his man-boobs, Dan continued, 'Someone at the pub said cycling helped him lose loads of weight, so I bought a top-of-the-range racing bike, plus a helmet and full lycra gear. I can't actually squeeze into the lycra because they don't make it in my size, but once I've lost a few stones I'll be able to humiliate myself on public roads like everyone else.'

Dan has also invested in elite running shoes, ‘the exact same ones Usain Bolt wears', although he admits they're mainly used for walking between the sofa and the fridge. 'They're a bit tight,' he said, 'but hopefully they'll loosen up once I start running. Which I will. Soon.'

His diet plan is similarly high-tech. 'My brother-in-law uses protein powder for bodybuilding, so I bought loads of that. It's disgusting on its own, but not bad sprinkled on chips. I actually think it's made me put on more weight, but apparently muscle weighs more than fat - so technically I might just be ripped underneath.'

Asked how much exercise he'd actually done, Dan looked puzzled. 'Exercise? I haven't had time for that. I've been too busy working overtime at the call centre to pay off the treadmill I use as a clothes hanger. But once I get a rowing machine, I reckon the weight will just fall off.'

Image: Brian Wangenheim (@brianwangenheim) | Unsplash Photo Community

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