Plan to award medals for going to work

After successive admirations made it impossible to educate children with innate vocational skills to get on in life, other than to join the armed forces and be shouted and shot at, the government is wondering whether a scheme to entice youngsters to get off their arses and get a medal for everyday they turn up to work, will be advantageous to the economy.

The scheme is based on observations youngsters with excellent academic abilities who did well at school, went to university and left with decent degrees, took jobs in MacDonald's, earning promotion through stars they gained; and among those who managed to survive an entire day, are now candidates to become the next BBC Director General.

Photo by Yang Plasticine on Unsplash

Sky's daytime channels to stop broadcasting regular shows from next month

Sky has announced the ending of regular programming on its daytime channels from the start of next month.

Instead, they will show wall-to-wall adverts for funeral plans mixed with others featuring pointless gadgets for that drawer in your kitchen that's specially reserved for unused useless stuff - old washers, odd chopsticks and the pack of playing cards you take away on holiday, despite it only having 51 cards.

Trevor Harper, a channel spokesman, said. 'This is the future of daytime content. We're riding the crest of a new wave. No more repeats of Homes Under The Hammer or Bargain Hunt for the 30th time. We're giving our viewers what they really want. Extensive research showed 99.99% of our audience doesn't care for actual traditional programming at all. Funeral plan ads are what they like in particular. Can't get enough of them. And now there are so many companies in the stiffs game, fitting actual programming in has become really difficult.' 

One couple cock-a-hoop at the news are Albert and Gladys Pethridge from Cheam. Albert tells us, 'I'm sick to the back teeth seeing that effing Alan Titchmarsh geezer or Del Boy and Rodney. So I couldn't wait to get signed up for my final journey. It'll make me the happiest man dead to know that Glad and all the family will have a blinding knees-up when I go. Gives me a nice warm feeling. Though I hope that's not an omen. Har har.

'I couldn't decide if I wanted toasted then scattered, or stuck down a hole. So I signed up for the "surprise send-off" which will add a bit of spice to the big day. Whatever I get, you can be sure I'll be smiling down... or maybe up...  at them all from wherever I am.'

Gladys, busily crocheting a new poncho for granddaughter, River, looks up briefly, gives an enigmatic smile and asks, 'Now, just in case, remember to show me where you've put the life insurance documents, won't you? Oh and do hurry up and drink your Bovril before it goes cold. Funny taste indeed. Really, Albert. Sometimes I wonder about you.'

Photo by Odalv on Unsplash

Reform to ban Black Friday

Amazon has complained about a campaign by Reform that threatens all references to Black Friday when they get into power.

'Friday is for everyone, in fact it is more for white people than people of colour,' said a Reform spokesperson today. 'We don't mind blackboards, we're not woke,' he added, and said accident black spots were 'just fine by him' and 'black shirts were really his preference'.

'Honestly, I'm browned off by all this woke stuff. Not literally, obviously,' he said, checking in the mirror. Then in the Sun until finding refuge in the Daily Mail comments section.

Image: rupixen (@rupixen) | Unsplash Photo Community