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Illegal cigarettes “every bit as dangerous as legal ones”

A BBC investigation has revealed that illegal cigarettes, sold under the counter at many innocent-looking convenience stores, are every bit as dangerous as the legal ones they also sell.


“This is absolutely disgraceful,” said a Home Office minister. “Many people, often poor and ill-educated, are destroying their health with these evil, addictive products, and the Treasury isn’t making a penny out of it.”


When an aide suggested that might sound a bit callous, the minister explained “Look, it costs the NHS a fortune every year to treat completely unnecessary illnesses caused by smoking. Unless we also make a fortune in tax when people buy the fags, the maths just doesn’t add up.


”Besides, the tobacco companies give us millions every year, and they won’t be happy if we don’t clamp down on this… hang on, is this microphone still on?”


The minister then took a call from a water supplier, who complained it was very expensive to treat raw sewage, and asked whether they could just feed it back into the water supply instead. “Hmmm,” said the minister, “is there any way we could tax it?”





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Man tidies drawer immediately claims functional adulthood


A Liverpool man living in Dartford for what neighbours describe as “a suspiciously long time to still sound like that” has formally declared himself a fully functioning adult after tidying a single drawer in his house.


Ray, 48, who moved south 25 years ago, says the drawer, previously home to takeaway menus from restaurants that closed in the early 2000s (in Liverpool, inexplicably), three dead AA batteries, and a cable experts believe predates electricity, is now “a symbol of personal evolution”.


“I’ve lived in Dartford for years,” he said, “but only today do I identify as someone who has their life together. One drawer. That’s all it took.” Locals remain sceptical. One neighbour reported: “He’s lived here long enough to understand not talking to strangers at bus stops, but whenever he does speak my radio picks up interference from somewhere near Bootle. Tidying a drawer doesn’t fix that.”


Witnesses say Ray’s newfound maturity lasted precisely 3 minutes and 13 seconds before he opened a second drawer and immediately reverted to identifying as “a man who has absolutely no idea where any of these mystery keys came from, but a deep desire to try them all”. Radio officials confirm his accent continues to disrupt local FM frequencies, with one resident claiming her kitchen radio briefly tuned into Radio Merseyside after Ray attempted to hail a London Hackney cab.


Despite the turbulence, Ray insists he will continue identifying as “a Scouser living in Dartford” until further notice, or until he finds a drawer that doesn’t contain at least one charger that fits nothing he owns.





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Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds


The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age.


'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles.


'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an ability to reverse an articulated trailer around a corner and know how to shout obscenities in French,' said another post, which was considered to be slightly incorrect.  'French or German, surely?' asked one knowledgeable reply.


'If you fail more than once in a two month period your vehicle will be impounded and handed over to an immigrant, who doesn't need a licence, insurance or a flat cap to drive on British roads,' argued another.  The flat cap rule has been doubted online by people under thirty.


A study looking into the actual articles identified that all of the above claims were reasonable extrapolations of the headlines and first two sentences of the articles, but confirmed that the actual change required when applying to renew the driving licence at age seventy and every three after is evidence that the driver has had an optician evaluate their corrected eyesight.


'How are pensioners expected to pay for the free eyesight tests?' screamed a Daily Mail article.  'And how can they pass the test when they clearly can't read past the first paragraph?  We demand a General Election now!' it said - in paragraph three, so unseen by by most readers.





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