God has categorically denied knowing Russell Brand, despite the thesaurus bothering predator claiming God is with him at all times during his rape trial.
In awe-inducing scenes outside Southwark Crown Court, spokesangel, the Metatron, descended to make a short statement in front of kneeling reporters.
'Behold the Metatron! Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God!' said the Metatron. 'When a sparrow falls to the ground, God is there. God knows all the fowls of the mountains and the wild beasts of the land. He has numbered every hair upon your heads. But he highkey rejects any suggestion he knows Russell Brand. And has not clicked like on any of those cringe vids Brand keeps posting claiming they're fam and going to court together.'
'I've read the statements Brand's victims have made,' said the Metatron, before pointing downwards and adding. 'If you want to talk to his bestie, I suggest you try the other chap.'
Disgraced TV personality David Walliams’ attempt to keep his name out of the papers has not been entirely successful, it was revealed today.
Walliams took out an injunction to prevent the papers revealing that he’s the person named in new allegations of sexual impropriety, which he definitely is.
“I would like to state categorically that these allegations are false,” he said today, unconsciously echoing the Little Britain sketches where he played a Tory MP standing at his garden gate doing exactly the same thing. “If the allegations were even about me, which they aren’t.”
Unlike in the sketches, Matt Lucas wasn’t standing beside him grinning inanely, as he knows a lost cause when he sees one.
H/T: eppursimuove
Image: WixAI
