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Government to save fuel by introducing "dogging from home"



Andy Burnham has announced a dogging from home initiative in an attempt to reduce fuel consumption.


Speaking to reporters Mr. Burnham said, 'With fuel prices spiralling ever upward this will save the average deviant somewhere in the region of two pounds-fifty per week. Once again we are going that extra mile to ensure doggers don't have to go even a single mile.


Ron Jenkins, a well known "outdoor pursuit enthusiast" has cautiously welcomed the idea. "I've had to drive for miles for my, er, hobby and I've also damaged my gear stick. That is not a euphemism.


Photo by Shooting Tyre on Unsplash



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Government to issue rain guidance to primary schools


The Government is to issue rain guidance to primary schools as the country’s longest spell of hot weather since the Great Sweat of 1858 continues.


The information, both online and in print, will counter what the Government calls the ‘high levels of weather illiteracy’, particularly around rain. 'There are children in London and the southeast who have never experienced rain,' said the Government’s climate change officer Dr Ann Orak. 'They’re eight or nine and essentially don’t know what it is. They’ve never seen it and don’t know how to treat it.'


Jessica, who lives in Greenwich with her two primary school-age children, told the BBC: 'It’s a real issue. It’s heart-breaking when your youngest child says "Mummy, will the rain take me away when I’m asleep?" But many children around here have never seen rain and the stories they hear about it play into their primeval fears.'


The Government advice includes not staring at the rain, not making sudden gestures in its presence and the use of trees – those that are still alive – for shelter. Older staff at the Meteorological Office also recommend putting household plants outside, as if making an offering to the rain gods. 'I remember my gran doing this,' said one staffer, wiping away a tear.


Photo by Alex Dukhanov on Unsplash



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KitKats to be 0.0001p cheaper under Andy Burnham


Andy Burnham has already transformed people's finances by announcing £2 bus fares and tiny VAT reductions for pubs.


Now he's going to make life infinitesimally more affordable for fatties by subsidising KitKats, Twix bars and Curly Wurlies by up to 0.0003%.


'These are small beginnings', a spokesman said, 'but for the hardest-up in society these savings will add up to a meaningful amount, just as long as they're willing to buy in bulk. The saving on a thousand Curly Wurlies would cover your bus fare home. It won't. But it's nice to think that it might'.


'Critics are just a bunch of moaners, though they probably have a point. What did Oscar Wilde call them? Twats, I think it was.'


Conservative Head Girl Kemi Badenoch described the measures as 'too little, too late' and promised to build a time machine to stop the rebranding of Marathon bars. She would also consider offing the young Adolf Hitler but said that 'wasn't a priority' as his values were rapidly coming back into fashion.




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