Proud alien parents want "Stonehenge back to pin on fridge door"

Aliens from the Andromeda galaxy, Mr/s and M/rs Ommaen Scrielzex, have caused furore in the archaeological, ancient monument and tea towel communities by contacting the government saying that Stonehenge was, in fact, their son/daughter's first project at play school and they'd like it back to attach to their awe-inspiring fridge door.

"We understand that in your puny Earth time, it is thousands of years old, but little Naukruils made it yesterday in our dimension and dropped it from his satchel on his way to the school intergalactic travel portal."

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Tory right torn between destroying economy and making people miserable

The right wing of the Tory party is arguing about the next "big idea" for the country. Jacob Rees-Mogg has proposed raising the retirement age to 97, legalising work for the under 3s and reopening coal mines, "not for the coal, but for the LOLZ".

Lord Frost disagrees with Mogg's idea. "It's been claimed that my last wheeze is costing the country £100bn a year, but I think we can do better than that. If we make retirement age below the school leaving age, then the entire country grinds to a halt in a year and I think we can make that per week. Now, that would be an achievement."

John Redwood has proposed a zero rate income tax combined with a maximum wage "for plebs" of £0 per hour, with a 10% bonus for weekends.

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Asylum seekers relieved to be spared Pontins

The decision by Sefton council to not house asylum seekers in a disused Pontins camp has been applauded. 'Haven't they suffered enough, already?' asked one member of the public. Another recounted how he, his wife and 12 year old daughter had spent a 'fortnight trapped in the Prestatyn Pontins camp one weekend' several years ago, admitting he'd 'rather have an annual holiday bobbing up and down on the English Channel on a li-lo with fifteen migrants all summer' rather than return to Pontins.

A Pontins spokesman responded by saying the refugees have missed out on terminal bingo every evening and some of the rarest entertainment in the UK by the decision. When quizzed about the statement concerning rarest entertainment he pointed out that 'practically none of our acts are ever seen again. If that isn't a definition of rare, I don't know what is.'

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