Supermarket scraps use by dates on milk

Another British supermarket is scrapping use by dates on milk in a copycat - copycow? - move. The chain believes that customers don’t mind solid chunks of proto-cheese landing on their breakfast cereals or splashing into their mocha latte coffee.

A spokesman said 'Slightly off milk is just as nutritious and easier to digest, as the friendly bacteria in the milk have done some of the work for you. That sounds like science! It’s not just milk that’s gone horrible, it’s M&S milk that’s gone horrible, which is quantitatively and qualitatively better. And you get loyalty points. When you are sick, it's not just vomit, it's M&S vomit. And 10% off pre-paid funeral plans.'

'Accrington Stanley? Who are they?'

Image: Andrey Zvyagintsev (@zvandrei) | Unsplash Photo Community

Oldies dying about new breed of TV ads

'The proliferation of pre-death funeral arrangement ads on satellite TV channels has seen a new type of consumer emerge,' says Samantha Lyons, Managing Director of Fryem and Plantem.

'We're turning what was once a very sensitive and deeply sad subject into a nice little earner for ourselves,' she adds enthusiastically. 'Because now ad breaks are full of cheerful 70s somethings who just can't wait to be disposed of. It's really very heartening that our industry is providing such a destigmatising service. Not to mention us getting access to a nice revenue stream even before our punters might normally drop off the perch. It really is a win-win. Ker-ching! Cashflow delight.'

And Sam, as she prefers to be called, might just be right. Speaking to people at a seniors' bingo night, seventy-two year-old Bert Jeavons told us: 'I love all them funeral ads. They give me such a lift with so many of my peers looking delighted to be contemplating their final demise. And it certainly is a great feeling knowing all my loved ones will soon be able to piss away proceeds from the house sale, not to mention the ten K I'm hiding in my shed for a rainy day when they find it. Oh, don't print that bit.'

And Rene Coombes, Bert's lady friend, herself a sprightly seventy-five commented, 'Oh yes dear, me and Bert adores the ads. As a matter of fact,' she chuckles through a rasping smoker's cough, 'I'm so keen to be on me way, I dropped Dignitas an email only yesterday.'

Image: Jonathan Farber (@farber) | Unsplash Photo Community

Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer

It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'

They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.

The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'

All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.

'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'

After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.

Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'

Image: Comstock Images Photos | FreeImages