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NewsBiscuit: Best of December 2024


December 2024


In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the Waspi women. Planning any more U-turns, Keir? The prison service scandal of the day was about prisoners on early release being mistakenly released too early. How times have changed. And the UK economy continued to stutter. Re...re...re…cession? How times have changed.


In the New Year’s honours list, Sadiq Khan was recognised for services to congestion, and Gareth Southgate got a knighthood for trying really, really hard at the footie, and for always wearing a suit.


In entertainment news, Greg Wallace was deemed too unsavoury for cooking shows, and the BBC went on far too much about the Gavin & Stacey Christmas special.


After overdosing on the US presidential election for all of 2024, the media decided not to report any news from America this month.


Here is a selection of the top Newsbiscuit stories from December 2024, selected by popular vote. Thanks to the three people who voted… Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Politics


Stories about Christmas, and Prince Charmless


Sport and Entertainment


Other news


And here are the Headlines...


Politics

Labour brings in Tory cuts

Labour government makes absolute commitment to reduce immigration 'to some extent'

Compo results: LGBT veterans £70k - Waspi women £nil

Waspi women retire hurt

'So Nigel Farage. What first attracted you to the billionaire Elon Musk?'


Entertainment

BBC expected to dial down the Gavin & Stacey stories in February

BBC refuses to comment on 'culture of silence'

Wallace led me around on all fours, says Gromit

Masterchef to remain on air with Wallace's head replaced by deepfake potato


Andrew M-W

Prince Andrew sweating now

Andrew can't even send out for a Chinese now


Organisations

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day

Quitters Anonymous disband during first meeting

Weight Watchers: still big in UK


And finally...

A single cigarette takes £1.30 off your life, say scientists

Single man with bad handwriting is UK's most illegible bachelor

Ruthless bounty hunter tears sweet shop apart

The last two candidates to illustrate auction catalogue have to draw lots

A woman took time off work to have a Brazilian butt lift. Now she’s all behind



Image credit: deep dream generator

Looking for a Christmas stocking filler?

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Want to pop something into your loved ones stocking? Need a secret Santa for your office colleague? Feel the need to wind up the Reform voter in your family?


There's still time to order a NewsBiscuit book or four from Amazon in time for the festive day.


Thousands of short stories, one-line gags and the odd cartoon amongst the four books, all available at the click of a link, below.




December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

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Aries


Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?


Taurus


The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.


Gemini


A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.


Cancer


You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!


Leo


Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo


Virgo


If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.


Libra


There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.


Scorpio


Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …


Sagittarius


You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?


Capricorn


This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.


Aquarius


Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.


Pisces


You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.



Authors:



Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio


Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius


SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn


Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces


Sinnick: Virgo


Deskpilot: Aquarius


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