Episode58: lympic Todger, Post Office Traffic & Police Frogs
Comedynews from NewsBiscuit
FeaturingGuests: Dan Sweryt and Ian Searle
Host:Wrenfoe. Feb-March 2026
http://www.newsbiscuit.com/We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts,Deezer, Listen Notes, PodcastAddict & Castbox, YouTube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor
Aries
You seem to be unaffected by the fallout from the Epstein papers, which leaves you as one of the few uncorrupted individuals east of the Azores. Opportunities may abound, but take care not to get enmeshed in the activities of the next morally reprehensible douchebag waiting in the wings.
Too late …
Taurus
Your astrological chart shows that a time of tremendous change is approaching. This is something to be embraced, not feared. However, if you aren't comfortable with tremendous change, then maybe it's time to figure out Google Pay, and go cashless.
Gemini
Your journey of one thousand miles must begin with a single step. That'll teach you to fly with RyanAir
Cancer
Don't answer the phone for the next 3 times, it will be a man promising you untold riches. He will be lying as it's Clive from work who actually just wants to go for a drink and tell you about his fungal infection.
Leo
You reject the advice of a qualified medical professional, but hang on every word of an online shamanic wanker with a loincloth fetish. Is it any wonder that embarrassing rash never clears up ?
Virgo
Although I'm flattered that you read my prognostications, they shouldn't form the basis of your government's policies, Keir. It’s just a bit of fun.
Libra
Work issues are looming large this month. If you are worried that AI will take your job, then you can relax. It's much more likely that a cheap apprentice will take your job.
Scorpio
As the full moon approaches, you realise your personal problems may not have been as serious as you thought - yeah, you and the other 650 million Scorpions in the world. God, what a way to make a living…
Sagittarius
A free and frank exchange of views should not end with threats to 'chair' the other party.
It is worth considering this during your next performance review.
Capricorn
Your car will cause problems this month and will have a serious oil leak. On the plus side, the oil stain will be in the shape of a rabbit, just like in Small Prophets, and you will get your picture in the local paper. On the minus side, a bounty hunter will recognise your picture, and you will be forced to leave the country for a year or two.
Aquarius
You've never felt that your horoscopes have ever been any good at all, even the vague waffly ones that simultaneously hint at both good and bad news happening soon, quite soon or in the distant future.
Maybe that's because your parents lied about your date of birth? Now why would they do that?? Something for you to think about…
Pisces
A word to the wise: peppercorns. I shall say no more.
Authors
Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra, Aquarius, Capricorn
Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Lockjaw: Gemini, Virgo, Pisces
SimonJJames: Cancer
Sydalg: Scorpio
Image: Lockjaw
A short but busy month, with Deskpilot leading the pack again, checking every box from Front Page through to hat tips. Big thanks to everyone who pitched subs, headlines and cartoons, whether you made the cut or not.
As usual, the cartoon of the month follows the leader board and full list of links to the published subs, then that is followed by the list of headlines that were published in February.
Front Page, News in Brief and Features
Adrian Bamforth
apepper
billclay
Chipchase
Chrisf
Danny Soz
Deskpilot
fles
Gerontius
Jeremynh
Lockjaw
McDabble
Modelmaker
Newsbiscuit Editorial Team
Oshaughnessy
robfalconer
rogt
Scribbles
Sinnick
Sir Lupus
Sketchly
SteveB
Sully
Throngsman
Titus
Walter Eagle
Wrenfoe
Cartoons
Cartoons supplied this month by: Deskpilot, Lockjaw, Modelmaker, sdferris5 and Sketchly
Cartoon of the month goes to Lockjaw with Greenland responds in kind to Trump's hospital ship
Headlines
Adrian Bamforth
Madonna to replace Margate rollercoaster as UK's oldest ride
Mar-a-Lago introduces 'only one assassin allowed inside at any one time' policy
Wrong date on Epstein death certificate; someone didn't get the memo
bigbadbob
Greek lovers looking forward to St Valentines Day moussaka
Met Police call Andrew for interview, put Emily Maitlis on standby
Mystery Stone Age writing revealed to say 'Two pints please, Milky'
BillClay
FIFA dusts off it's 'Bomb Iran' Trophy
Starmer grateful Ratcliffe has colonised the news cycle
Trump accepts Dementia Awareness Award 3 times in one day
dannydodger
Nasa aims to debunk moon landing conspiracies by not landing on the moon
Deskpilot
Andrew continues on his mission to destroy the monarchy
Andrew dislodged
Andrew strenuously denies being arrested
Andrew unable to watch Line of Duty or Succession
Andrew's emails: massage deleted
Charles throws Andrew under the carriage
Did you fritter away pancake day?
Frog toxin made Navalny croak?
Government fixes GP services with more paperwork
Keir Starmer gives up for Lent
Knife incident at private school: pupil arrested after using the wrong one for fish
Morgan McSweeney takes responsibility for the Birmingham bin strike
Rank amateurs beaten by rank outsiders
Repairing Commons: MPs to use Bibbi Stockholm instead
Royal Lodge: Police continue the search for Andrew's conscience
Rumours grow that Keir Starmer is about to shift himself
Sainsbury's cancel Peter Mandelson's Nectar card
Trump to release best bits of Epstein files after his dementia diagnosis
dominic_mcg
Jersey approves assisted dying for cardigan wearers
Lord Mandelson now known as Peter Mountbatten Windsor
ian searle
Crufts refusing entry to Wetherspoon's customers without muzzles could be illegal
Disgruntled workers in Poisonous Gas factory say atmosphere was toxic
Disney warns of hit from flagging foreign visits, apparently it’s not such a small world
Donaldson reveals new character for third Gruffalo book, Mandelson denies ever meeting him
Ocado fails to deliver
Sweeney Todd accepts responsibility for Nellie Lovett's pies
jeremynh
Andrew appointed patron of the National Mistrust
jim skinz
'McSweeney, get your trousers on - you're nicked'
Movie world in shock after British actor isn't linked to James Bond role
World in shock as Trump pays tribute to deceased non-white person
Lockjaw
You're gone, McSweeney
mcdabble
Keir Starmer now 11th in line for news headlines
Palestine Action protestors to be subjected to 'Trial by Ordeal'
Pensioners struggling with student loan repayments
Starmer to be replaced by AI mashup of Polanski and Farage
Trump hits Supreme Court with huge tariffs
Westminster OAPs' club about to be scammed by overpriced building quote
mick turate
Andrew's new Royal residence to be the Tower of London
BAFTA states that Tourette's incident was a f***ing disgrace
Elon Musk buys the Epstein Files and renames them the X-files
John Virgone
Starmer apologises for Epstein managing the Beatles
Modelmaker
BBC: "none of our paedophiles named in the Epstein files"
BBC: 'We're proud that none of our paedophiles were mentioned in the Epstein files'
Defra tells farmers in the West Country they ought to have planted fish
Jeffrey Epstein was Margaret Thatcher's secret love child
Mandelson stripped of his peerage, but ordered to keep underpants on
Where morality takes second place to the cost of cleaning
rowly
Green Party boasts that they will now be able to fix Government leaks
sinnick
Trump still wondering why he didn't get the Nobel Peace Prize
Sir Lupus
Crown Prosecution Service gets literal
sketchly
Breaking News! Epstein still alive and living with Elvis on the moon!
ICE agents can't take the heat
Magician invites Starmer to pick a card, dies waiting
NasCar driver fed up being asked what those lines are all about
Starmer asks his advisor for advice on sacking his advisor
Starmer: 'I'm a victim, too, you know...'
sydalg
I'll make you king of Greenland, Trump tells Andrew
Titus
Britain calls for creation of a wooden medal for 4th place
Calls for woman to be appointed 'Minister of Tokenism'
Great opening ceremony, but Downhill from now on
Reform to Mandelson 'Your membership application must be lost in the post'
Starmer vows to keep fighting - to retain his leadership
Study finds teenage amphibians are obsessed with frogs' porn
'Surviving Stabbing' to be new school achievement
Trump accused of talking hyperbolics
Trump tells Supreme Court 'They weren't tariffs - they were Special Economic Operations'
tonymc
Andrew to join Reform as Women's Rights spokesmen
Andy's £30 rub down wrong , 360m on Buckingham Palace, fine
Is Curling the new Cage Fighting ?
Jenrick hoping to build on Rwanda success with Reform
No proof Thatcher had a Tramp Stamp say Tory HQ
Ofwat promise price increases will pay dividends
Palatine Action , UK Gov await Tel Aviv's orders
Records show Charles was close friends with Jimmy Savile
Sir Lindsay : it's unfortunate media found out I am a grass
writingbsl
Floods minister 'out of her depth'
