Aries
You will go to bed expecting WW3 will happen in your sleep; and that you'll wake up dead, however the Today programme will reveal that Trump was full of crap and his threats were as hollow as his head.
Taurus
Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.
Gemini
Your best professions are PR and hermits. Your adversaries are journalists, TV executives, family members and the public. Everyone, basically.
Cancer
A lot of doors will open for you this month. Unfortunately for you, they will then be locked behind you. Naughty, naughty.
Leo
The black dog that stalks the dark recesses of your psyche demands to be let out, if only to play a game of "Fetch".
Embrace the misery and despair : it will be excellent preparation for the Football World Cup, Eurovision and whatever new form of odious bile Nigel Farage manages to exude.
Virgo
Financially, you may be in a difficult situation, with considerable outgoings but limited money coming in. Your idea that 'something will turn up' may not be realistic. Consider if you really need a grade II listed house with 30 rooms and 7 bedrooms. Are you sure you can still afford it?
Libra
You will exude animal magnetism this month. Unfortunately, it won't extend to humans. I'd postpone that trip to the gorilla sanctuary in the DRC, if I was you.
Scorpio
Don't go through the Green Door - Shakin' Stevens was wrong. Worlds of pain.
Sagittarius
Something significant will happen to you this month. For the life of me, I can't work out what it is. Silly me. If I work it out, I'll get back to you. Here's hoping its something good!
Capricorn
We should all strive to improve ourselves, but just relying on plastic surgery is not the answer. Trout lips look terrible on everyone except trout, and who wants to go around kissing fish ? Well, apart from Tony S of Lewisham. Nutter.
Aquarius
Vileda, Proplas, Pegdev, Oxo Pro, Red Gorilla, JMS. OK, that's a bucket list, but not one that is people would normally associate with a sense of adventure. But, hey, it's your life. If that's what turns you on, go for it!
Pisces
Aliens. It's always aliens. Or possibly Reform, or even peer group pressure, you are incapable of making a poor decision, ever. See ? Now that's sarcasm …
Contributors
Deskpilot: Gemini, Virgo
Flasharry: Leo,Scorpio,Pisces
Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Sagittarius, Aquarius
Modelmaker: Aries
Simonjjames: Taurus
