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Newsbiscuit: Best of August 2024

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August 2024


The Paris Olympics come to an end. Britain wins 65 medals and comes in third behind the USA and China. More importantly, we are top in Europe, and we get more medals than Australia.


To tarnish Olympic success, the month is marred by summer rioting. This is fuelled by nonsense spread by social media, which is lapped up by the gullible. After warming up (ha!) on winter fuel payments, Keir Starmer continues to play the tough guy. He releases some old lags from prison to make more cells available to lock up the rioters.


UK water companies are fined millions for sewage spills. Again. Does this happen every month? It seems to.


In the entertainment world, police issue an arrest warrant for Katie Price after she fails to attend a bankruptcy hearing. And Harry and Meghan go to Colombia to ‘make the internet safer for children’. And to promote their charity work. And themselves. How could they choose Colombia over the Edinburgh Festival?


In overseas news, Ukraine, Gaza.


In the US, a judge rules that Google have an illegal monopoly over internet searches. Finally, an American news story that isn’t about the US Election.


Here is a selection of the top stories from August 2024. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


Crime and punishment


Politics


Sport and entertainment


Other news


Headlines


GCHQ close to decoding rules for cycling Keirin

'I take my job as an MP seriously,' wins joke of the Fringe

Puppeteer offers to explain string theory

Search for 'Google's illegal online monopoly' yields no results

Top uni accepts students with 25m back stroke certificate

Police tasked with arresting Katie Price have no idea what she looks like

Builder who lost his plans of the stairs told to retrace his steps

Israel and Hamas, in a rare show of unity, agree to continue hostilities

Starmer pledges to transform UK steel industry into no-steel industry

No signs of green shoots on Conservative party stump

‘The UK is too dangerous for me and my family’ says Harry as he lands in Colombia

English tourist resort attracts more visitors with rioting mini breaks



Image credit: Wix

Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer

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Aries


You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts


Taurus


You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.


Gemini


Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.


Cancer


Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month


Leo


Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.


Virgo


Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.


Libra


You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!


Scorpio


As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.


Sagittarius


The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.


Capricorn


A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.


Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.


Aquarius


A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.


Pisces


Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.



Contributions from


StveB: Gemini


Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn


Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius




Newsbiscuit Writer of the Month July 2025


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Deskpilot is back at the to of the leaderboard with a very impressive 64 points across all the categories. Eppursimuouve is in second pace with 29 and yours truly has managed to squeeze out 25 points this month.


Below the leader board are the links to all the FPs, NiBs and features this month, followed by the cartoon of the month and last, but not least, every headline published in July


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Front Page, News in Brief and Features


Alba Late




billclay






cara



Chipchase





Deskpilot





















eppursimuove














ian searle




james_doc






jeremynh





Lockjaw



Midfield Diamond





Modelmaker






Newsbiscuit



Newsbiscuit Editorial Team




scribbles




sdferris5



sinnick



SteveB







Sully





Sydalg



Throngsman












Titus



Wrenfoe









wurstcasenews



Cartoon of the month goes to sdferris5 with Swanky Mayfair eatery is still trying to perfect the American lobster roll


Headlines


Adrian Bamforth    

    

Diane Abbott claims Jewish critics are 'just playing the prejudice card'

Increased sleep attributed to people snuggling gangs


ashbery        

   

Co-op concerned all its members now age verified on Pornhub

Director General confirms BBC will not be televising Glastonbury 2026

Streeting left in ACAS corridor for six hours waiting for agreement

Streeting: Midwifery ballots on strike action premature

Sudan, Russia and Israel favourites to host 2026 International Genocide Awards


bigbadbob     


Betting offences MP has a 2 to 1 chance of prison

Drunk lawyer asked to leave the bar


billclay       

     

The Clacton Tapestry depicting an England win in 1066 refused by French museum


dannydodger 


Donald Trump's dog eats the Epstein list before he can release them


Deskpilot   

    

AI helps Keir Starmer plan his next U turns

Amputee surgeon refuses to take the knee

As a precaution, all Reform MPs give up the whip

Catholic church bans nun disclosure agreements

Keir Starmer confirms that Rachel Reeves is 'going nowhere'

Petrol station gets four star review

Pope upset because Sinner wins Wimbledon

Problems at doughnut company were sugar coated

Rachel's tears distract all attention from NHS 10 year plan

Reform tells Kent libraries to ban books with long words

Samaritans threatened with redundancy have no-one to call

Starmer sacks Neil Duncan-Jordon for being double-barrelled

Sylvester Stallone film marathon gets off to a Rocky start

Trump: 'sticks & stones may break my bones, but words - that'll cost you $10bn'

UK to recognise Canada unless Trump agrees Gaza ceasefire


docholliday   


Money Laundering Racketeers get hung out to dry

Rolex are struggling - time is running out


dominic_mcg 


Charges against Kneecap dropped by the facist pigs

Corbyn's new party designated a terrorist organisation

Feminists furious hearing about Lionesses' topless bus parade

Homosexual monk comes out of the cloister

In Hertford, Hereford, and Hampshire, hosepipes are hardly hever hauthorised

Lammy condemns Israel for using weapons UK sold them


dumbingdown      

      

Epstein List names ask Trump for immunity from prostitution


eppursimuove        

    

Israel’s neighbours deadpool - “OK, who had Syria?”


gerontius        


Gregg Wallace issued with hosepipe ban

Trump : 'I don't draw pictures.....I just color them in'


Granger      

     

Hollywood commissions script for "The Madness of King Donald"

Israel announces site of next massacre

Sinners can be winners!

Sue Parfitt to replace Che Guevara as terrorist icon

Symbol for new Musk Party: has to be the Rat


hokeyloki    

    

Claudia Winkelman delighted as Edinburgh fringe joke award cancelled


hokeyloki        


Man convicted of fraud for doing multiple jobs without being an MP

New sponsor for Lionesses - Lastminute.com


James_doc    


Inflation: Blowing up


jim Skinz     

    

Gregg Wallace to join GB News

Male sexual health helpline tells patient 'Your call is impotent to us'

admits his preferred assassination method has gone out the window

Torode in a hole


joe       


A return to bushes as porn requires ID

Stevie Wonder can’t see himself retiring

Wallace releases statement after holding it hostage


MADJEZ    

       

Sycamore Gap pair will be welcome addition to the woodwork shop says prison governor


mcdabble    

  

Aeroflot boss booked in for flying lessons on the 5th floor

LA crash driver beat by crowd 'just getting his revenge in first'

Man United takes decision to print its own currency

Murdoch-Trump case likely to outlast human civilisation, say scientists

Russia struggles to deliver a proper earthquake

Russian stock market surges seeing more chicken taco

Some BBC programs to show warning: May Contain 2020's Social Attitudes

Trump loses patience with losing patience

Trump moves deadline to the Nonteenth of Neverember


Midfield Diamond     


ICE to raid US soccer stadia after reports of Mexican Waves

Trump orders FBI to arrange Ghislaine Maxwell suicide


Modelmaker  


Bumping off Hulk Hogan fails to distract news away from Epstein files

Netanyahu: Palestinian kids aren't being starved. Hamas is injecting them with Ozempic


ron caweleyoni     

     

People smuggling gangs now offering return tickets

Trump sends condolences to George Osborne’s family


rowly  


Bin Men refuse to collect Labour's scrapped policies

Boneless tinned Salmon are more expensive because they are harder to catch


santosh      

     

SpaceX now a terrorist organisation due to their exploding rockets


sinnick   

         

Britain celebrates that the USA is independent


sketchly     

     

Happy Non-Binary 24 hour period

New Romeo & Juliet production: Starmer says he prefers the Capitulates


spankymonkey      

    

Hulk Hogone


SteveB 


Jeffrey Epstein rebrands as Epsy Max

Oasis, tragically, come to end of 16 year long 'Can't be Arsed to Tour' tour

Pile of discarded indoor footwear described as 'a slippery slope'


sully    


Despondent Nigel Farage reveals his lifelong dream: to one day captain a 5-a-side team


Sydalg 


Coldplay notices sharp drop in swingers' party bookings


thatwasbeast 


Starmer now less popular than coffee Revels


Titus   


Calls for failing water regulators to be privatised

Calls for inquiry into continuing mysterious deaths of D-Day veterans

Dianne Abbott suspended from Labour party for 1st - sorry, 5th - sorry, 93rd - sorry, 2nd time

France solves problem of migrants using dangerous small boats by providing larger boats

King Charles III graciously accepts Royal Replacement Bus Service

Poorly-lit hotel with loose stair carpet wins top award from Tripadvisor

'Porn not a problem - but children need protection from toxic politics' say parents

Unanimous 'guilty' verdict in Oz poisoning trial doesn't leave mushroom for doubt


tonymc       

     

Environment Agency reports responsible for 60% of landfill

Farage insists Essex Police are all hard line marxists

Flooded Texans told to pray , yep , that'll work

Illegal immigrants drinking all our water, claims Badenoch

I'm alright Jack Association oppose relaxing planning laws

King calls for unity: billionaires should stick together

Samaritans in merger talks with Dignitas

Tories to celebrate Golden years of Johnson, Truss and Sunak


will      


GB news scout Torode and Wallace for new cookery show




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