Caption Competition 28th of August

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition

The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late.

The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the winner's name and all the subsequent notoriety that implies.

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Best jokes of the Fringe 2026

The Edinburgh Fringe is happening again, as we speak.  If you have a show there, then good luck and break a leg. Later this month the Fringe will announce its top ten jokes. 

In the spirit of friendly competition, we are offering up our own ‘Best jokes of Newsbiscuit’.   These have been selected by our own entirely biased and largely imaginary editorial committee, and culled from our Headlines.  We’d have stuck to ten, but counting isn’t our strongest suit.

The author credits are included in case anyone out there has a big contract that they need signing, but didn’t find what they wanted at the Fringe…

Best jokes of Newsbiscuit 2026*

Anaesthetist cancels dinner party as he has people coming round (Modelmaker)

Another bitterly disappointing Reading Festival, says librarian (dominic_mcg)

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen (Doctor Chutney)

"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC (dominic_mcg)

Drought latest: water companies to impose shower cap (deskpilot)

Druids "dreading" moving Stonehenge when clocks go back (apepper)

Girlfriend unimpressed with spa weekend at convenience store (deskpilot)

Grubby teenager misunderstands instruction to wash at 30 (deskpilot)

Knife incident at private school: pupil arrested after using the wrong one for fish (deskpilot)

Onanist stays in bed all day on Palm Sunday (Lockjaw)

Pope tested as neighbour buys devastatingly attractive ox (apepper)

Prince Harry: I'm looking forward to reading my new book (deskpilot)

Prisoner with premature-ejaculation qualifies for Early Release Scheme (jim skinz)

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day (deskpilot)

Strippers strike: no end in sight (deskpilot)

* probably..., so far....

Image credit: Newsbiscuit archives

This was not exactly what Chloe had in mind for her Hen Knight.

WINNER

This was not exactly what Chloe had in mind for her Hen Knight. by jayelle

RUNNERS UP

This was not exactly what Chloe had in mind for her Hen Night. by jayelle

Only Debbie could think of a connection between helmet and cock, and she wasn’t saying anything by Rob Falconer

Managing the new defence budget meant making difficult decisions. by gichowdotcom

Well,the Helmet definitely dates from the middle ages but the rubber chicken doesn't have any date marks at all. by tonymc

The merger between Jackson’s Helmets and Hennessey’s Chickens had gone well, but the joint advertising campaign was going to be tricky by Rob Falconer

Well the good news is AI is excellent at medieval helmets. The bad news is, don't ask for a hand holding a pen! by sketchly

Masterchef contestants struggle to find any sort of recipe for the coffee chicken and helmet combination by Matilda

The Farage 'benefits replacement team' looked at what they would be willing to give to foreign nationals. by Matilda

"Helmet Rubber Chicken?" Is that the name they're going with of the new restaurant franchise that's going to give KFC and Nando's a run for their money? by custardcream