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NewsBiscuit: Best of November 2024

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November 2024


November 2024 was a decisive month. Things happened. In the UK, Rachel Reeves delivered her first budget and whacked up taxes on businesses and whacked up taxes on dead farmers. In the US of A, the voters elected a whacked up President, leaving all the pollsters wondering how they’d got it so wrong. The Conservatives elected Kemi Badenoch as leader; she immediately went into hiding and hasn’t been seen since.


Manchester United appointed Ruben Amorim as manager. There was some controversy about Rachel Reeves’ CV, with suggestions that she might have overstated her qualifications. And the Charity Commission published a report slating Captain Tom’s family for mismanagement.


In health news, the media went crazy about weight loss jabs. Just a thin excuse for journos to claim back the cost of jabs as ‘research’. A thin excuse. See what I did there? In entertainment news, that guy from the crisp adverts quit Match of the Day.


Here is a selection of the top NewsBiscuit stories from November 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


UK politics


US politics


Culture, Media and Sport



Headlines - politics 

Result of tomorrow's free and fair US election announced today by Russia

Democratic Party donors ask for refunds       

103% of Americans say election pollsters got it wrong

Rachel Reeves' CV reveals she's been an astronaut, head of the UN and Archbishop of Canterbury

Chancer of the Exchequer

Farm death tax 'Won't cost farming industry much' yet will raise tons of money for the Govt?!


Headlines - professions

Arsonists Anonymous promise new members a warm welcome

Struggling tree surgery company to cut half its branches

Astronomer caught moonlighting

Farmer who fell under plough says the experience was harrowing


Headlines – entertainment

Eric Morecambe auction catalogue has all the right lots, not necessarily in the right order

Gary Lineker to get Testimonial Episode of MOTD

Petition to abolish 'signing for things' gets no signatures

New breed of dog cleans up after itself - it's called a Retriever-Poo

Captain Tom's family to star in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels remake


Other headlines

DIY store selling doors for £1.00 say there are no catches

IVF postcode lottery 'not fair' - "I didn't even want a baby" says pensioner

Cut this one thing out to drastically stop ageing... birthdays

Man who bought full-fibre broadband still constipated



Image credit: deep dream generator


Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon

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Aries


You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.


Taurus


Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.


Gemini


Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.


Cancer


You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition


Leo

You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.


Virgo


The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.


Libra


If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop


Scorpio


As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.


Sagittarius


The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.


Depressing thought isn't it ?


Capricorn


The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.


Aquarius


You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card


Pisces


You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.



Authors


Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo


Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces


Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra


Sinnick: Cancer


Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius



Horoscopes for November, by The Curmudgeon


Aries


You will meet someone tomorrow that will change your life in a profound way. Or you could just pay that tax and everything will be back to normal.


Taurus


Unfortunately, the cat got at your charts so the reading has somewhat slewed. Watch out for hairballs, the wrong kind of litter and the smell of tuna. Keep working on that purr, and avoid mice at all times, no matter how tasty they may look.


Gemini


Using a fairground as a metaphor, your life, so far, Has been all swings and roundabouts. From now on it will be dodgems and waltzers. Make of that what you will.


Cancer


You have about 5 minutes left to live by the time you've finished reading this. Just about time for a crafty wank, considering your heart condition


Leo


You need to revisit your childhood trauma. Turns out you were a massive bellend and you need to confront that with honesty and courage. Probably be best to have a few pints beforehand so you can fake the honesty and courage.


Virgo


The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.


Libra


If life repeatedly gives you lemons you have to worry about who is suggesting replacement items for your on-line supermarket shop


Scorpio


As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.


Sagittarius


The heavens are very much in your favour, you are living your best life at the moment. This is as good as it can be.


Depressing thought isn't it ?


Capricorn


The moon is very dominant in your chart this month. You may feel the urge to moon your boss, police officers, your neighbours, and/or members of the clergy. If you do succumb to temptation then you should be aware that a magistrate will have heard the 'it was in my horoscope' defence before, and that it is unlikely to get you off.


Aquarius


You will bring great joy to a number of families this month. So kudos to you for always carrying a donor card


Pisces


You have had recent run ins with a close family member. They have condemned your behaviour and you cannot disagree. They have humiliated you and wounded your pride. And rightly so.


Authors


Simonjjames: Aries, Leo, Virgo


Deskpilot: Scorpio, Pisces


Flasharry: Taurus, Sagittarius,Libra


Sinnick: Cancer


Lockjaw: Gemini, Aquarius


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