Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.

'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'

The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.

The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'

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