Undead condemn bag for life 'discrimination'

Vampires, zombies, mummies and other members of the undead community have condemned British supermarkets for selling 'bags for life'.

Count Magnus de la Gardie says he was shocked when he first saw the bags for sale in his local Tesco.

'Obviously, I welcomed the all night shopping opportunity as I am unable to shop during daylight hours, er, because of the difficult parking, but when I filled my trolley with factor 5000 sunblock, and went to the checkout I was confronted with a bag for life. Who are they for? Not me, clearly.

'I began to explain this to the young lady on the till but I became rather distracted by her sweet, sweet neck and that led to this prison cell which means that, in turn, I might have to give up my seat in the House of Lords.'

This reporter also spoke to a zombie who preferred to remain anonymous - mainly because he'd forgotten his own name. The zombie simply repeated the phrase 'Me want bag for dead.' Although he did enquire if I actually needed my brains.

Panic as leadership contest enters swimsuit round

Conservative party members, journalists and anyone else with insomnia are bracing for the more controversial element of the leadership contest. Both contestants have failed the 'how will you solve the cost of living crisis' round by promising 'world peace (only kidding), fewer taxes and better breaks for energy companies', and now are heading for the swimsuit round. They will be compared against each other bodily, because comparing their relative intelligence would be a complete waste of effort and a shameful misapplication of microscopes.

One of the contestants has promised to wear a 'very skimpy mankini' for the contest, while the former Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to roll up in a top end designer knitwear full-body swimsuit. 'He said he'd roll up the sleeves to reveal his elbows,' promised an aide. Liz Truss' supporters claim she will ride bare-chested onto the stage on a white horse with a Kalashnikov across her back. 'No idea where she thought that one up,' said an aide, 'but it shows Liz is the most innovate, original thinking candidate in the race.'

Fears grow that migrants may be able to raft to Britain on a torrent of French @rse sweat

EDL spokes-wazzock, Andy Notherthing, has voiced concerns from across the bigot community.

'I have a mate who knows someone who can read, and he says he saw this article on Wikipedia that reckons sweat is lighter than saltwater. Everyone knows that French swelter like a glassblower's arse - even in winter. But, what with this long hot spell, sweat will be gushing down their rivers to the coast like a reverse Severn Bore.

'Your crafty migrant could probably surf their way across the channel on waves of French perspiration. Our navy should be firing depth charges filled with Lynx into the English Channel'.