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Trump announces bid for presidency of FIFA


More bizarre ramblings today in a White House press briefing. Trump announced he intends to run for the Presidency of FIFA next year while also hinting he can easily fit the job in alongside his intended third term as tinpot dictator of the free world.


'Time for Jaa-neee to go,' said the megalomaniacal commander in chief.  'I gave him a chance to make us both a lot of money. Not to mention extended members of my family, too. Lots of money. Helluva lot of money. But he lost his nerve. He blew it. He chickened out. He's a sad guy. So sad. A low intelligence person. He's a loser. A lot of people tell me that. Now I'll be going to that vote session next year and along with some hand-picked ICE guys we'll get the job done. No need for a vote at all.


'You know,' further mused the strangely ochre-tinted walking disaster, 'I like soccer ball. It's kinda neat but what we want in the game is more pazazz. Cheerleaders, short skirts and pompoms. And hotdog guys on the sidelines. That would put such a badly failing game on map. As president I'll create a world series with maybe just four US sides taking part. All the other countries' teams can have time off. That'd be swell. As a matter of fact, you know...'


Trump never finished his remarks as at that moment a nurse with a Big Mac dangling from a fishing rod entered the Oval Office and enticed from the room.




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Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t


An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”.


The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs, with one saying he had recently been forced to introduce a new pricing category: ‘standard blockage’, ‘serious blockage’ and ‘Jesus Christ, what happened in here?’


Toilet manufacturers have been reviewing their product specifications, after several models were unable to cope with what experts have called “very high velocity evacuations”. One bathroom company has announced plans for a new, heavy-duty toilet capable of withstanding “three Taco Tuesdays and a vindaloo”.

Meanwhile, supermarkets report that sales of toilet paper, bleach and industrial strength air freshener have soared. One retailer said, “People are panic-buying toilet rolls again. After Covid, we thought we’d seen the last of that.”


The outbreak has dealt a serious blow to the healthy-eating industry. Sales of lettuce have reportedly collapsed, while sales of foods requiring no contact with vegetables have surged. Health officials have stressed that properly washed, fresh produce can still be part of a healthy diet. However, this has done little to reassure Americans who now treat a bag of salad like it contains a live grenade. Many are calling for a warning label on lettuce reading ‘May cause rapid, unscheduled bowel movements.’


“It’s a terrible setback for public health,” said one dietician. “We’ve spent years telling people to eat more greens. Now people see a lettuce leaf and think, ‘That nearly killed Grandma.’” The outbreak has been particularly upsetting for those trying to improve their diet. “I started eating five portions of fruit and veg a day,” said one victim, “But it seemed like a lot more than five portions when it came out the other end.”

He then summed up the new attitude towards healthy eating, “I used to think eating a salad was boring. Now it feels like I’m playing rectum roulette.”





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Daily Mail in meltdown over new driving laws for seventy year olds


The Daily Mail has now published no fewer than seven articles decrying the inhuman assault on British drivers of a certain age.


'You will be forced to retake your driving test every three years and, due to the shortage of examiners, you will be advised to provisionally book each test at least four years ahead,' ran one social media explanation of the Daily Mail's articles.


'You will need to pass a medical previously limited to active HGV drivers, be able to demonstrate an ability to reverse an articulated trailer around a corner and know how to shout obscenities in French,' said another post, which was considered to be slightly incorrect.  'French or German, surely?' asked one knowledgeable reply.


'If you fail more than once in a two month period your vehicle will be impounded and handed over to an immigrant, who doesn't need a licence, insurance or a flat cap to drive on British roads,' argued another.  The flat cap rule has been doubted online by people under thirty.


A study looking into the actual articles identified that all of the above claims were reasonable extrapolations of the headlines and first two sentences of the articles, but confirmed that the actual change required when applying to renew the driving licence at age seventy and every three after is evidence that the driver has had an optician evaluate their corrected eyesight.


'How are pensioners expected to pay for the free eyesight tests?' screamed a Daily Mail article.  'And how can they pass the test when they clearly can't read past the first paragraph?  We demand a General Election now!' it said - in paragraph three, so unseen by by most readers.





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