Trump making peace deal with his imaginary Iranian friend

'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House.

'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf.

'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there."

Iran has said that in the real world no member of its government has been speaking to Trump.

'It's not unusual for presidents regressing into their second childhood to have imaginary friends,' said a White House spokes-shrink, trying to reassure the press.

'President Trump has a whole load of helpful voices speaking to him from inside his head.

'They told him to bomb Iran. They told him the 2020 election was stolen. They told him to have sex with Stormy Daniels.

'What's that, Mr Trump? Launch a nuclear strike on Tehran? Well, if that's what your friend Mr Trident told you to do, then you must go ahead and do it.'

Donald Trump is 79 nuclear winters old.

Image credit: perchance.org

Man declares victory over garage clean-up

A man is claiming that the objective of clearing out the garage has now been achieved, even though he has in fact created a dreadful mess that could take years or even decades to clear up.  Mr Donald T Rump of Basingstoke decided unilaterally to tackle what he perceived as a build-up of potentially hazardous garden chemicals and lubricants on the shelves of his garage by tipping them all into the drains.  Unsurprisingly to everyone except Mr Rump, this has caused a huge problem in the neighbourhood, risking the health and safety of everyone in the vicinity.  

The reaction was swift as the consequential damage spread quickly and uncontrollably.  The local river has now been cordoned off, and water supplies have been interrupted.  Children in the local school have been badly affected, although Mr Rump claims to have had nothing to do with any impact on any school.  

People that Mr Rump thought were his friends have distanced themselves from him.  He asked them to help with the clean-up operation once he realised that it was a bigger job than he could handle, but they refused so he said he doesn't need them anyway.  Reportedly, a Mr French used particularly strong words to describe what Mr Rump should do.

Despite his actions being illegal, irresponsible and downright dangerous, Mr Rump is insisting that he did the right thing and his garage is in much better shape than it was before.  According to him, the operation was a complete success and is now over.  Whether he will ever manage to clear out that huge stash of porn in the cupboards from his seedy past is not known.

Image credit: Wix AI

Epstein slept in Tracey Emin’s bed

The convicted paedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein slept in the artist Tracey Emin’s bed, the latest tranche of papers from the Epstein files reveals.

The new revelation comes as Emin’s retrospective opens at Tate Modern, featuring the iconic My Bed with its crumpled sheets and sea of detritus from Emin’s history – empty vodka bottles, condoms, overflowing ash trays, Polaroid selfies, period pants…. Some online sites say that Epstein’s face can be seen in the crumpled and stained sheets, like a disturbing Turin shroud.

The incident is alleged to have taken place in the early 2000s after the captain of one of Epstein’s luxury yachts entered the wrong coordinates into the yacht’s satnav system and the vessel followed the route to Margate not the Maldives.

The pair met in a local bar and Emin allegedly gave Epstein a tour of her studio. There is no conclusive proof that he slept in her bed, but he does say in an e-mail that he 'liked' the bed 'very much' and she should consider 'exhibiting it'. It is unclear whether the bed Epstein is referring to is any old bed, or the bed, the one that became ‘My Bed’ with its historic baggage listed above. But this is to be nitpicky and, frankly, ‘bedantic’.

The bed – My Bed – made its mark in 1999 when it was shortlisted for the Turnoff Prize and exhibited at Tate Britain. Nearly 30 years later it is being exhibited again, at Emin’s retrospective at Tate Modern. The timing of this latest Epstein revelation has led some to suspect that the Tate marketing team are behind the story.

Meanwhile, one can only speculate how Emin might have dealt with Epstein. 'So, Jeff, I want you to slip these weights around your ankles.' '[with excitement] Cool!' 'That’s good. And now we’re going to go for a walk to the end of Margate’s famous pier…'

Image credit: perchance.org