Unions' Christmas charity single - The Twelve Days of Staggered Walkouts

It has just been announced that union reps and the workers they represent will record a modern version of a Christmas classic in order to raise money for people currently suffering with the cost-of-living crisis.

If you'd like to sing along when you hear it on the radio or at your local picket line, here are your lyrics:

The Twelve Days of Staggered Walkouts

On the first day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

A vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the second day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the third day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the fourth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the fifth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the sixth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the seventh day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the eighth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the ninth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the tenth day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Ten people tweeting

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the eleventh day of staggered walkouts

My union rep gave to me

Eleven police policing

Ten people tweeting

Nine heaters heating

Eight feelings sinking

Seven deadly sins

Six placards waving

Five cold pas-ties

Four quite strong words

Three biro pens

Two reasons to chant stuff

And a vest of high visibi-li-ty

On the twelfth day of staggered walkouts

My manager gave to me

My P45

Image: E F Corcoran Photos | FreeImages

Shock as reporter rings doorbell, camera crew already in house

A shit prime time light entertainment documentary presenter has pretended to surprise a couple from Dunstable.

Unfortunately, the shot from inside of her arriving to surprise them has blown the whole ruse, because a cameraman, sound technician and producer are already in the hallway capturing the moment from within the dwelling.

'We were alerted to the surprise about half an hour before she officially arrived,' confirmed homeowner Joanne Boxvan. 'She and the whole crew turned up, introduced themselves, had a cup of tea, and then made us do four rehearsals of pretending to look unprepared for her visit waiting by the door together post make-up in our finest threads. This shit never happened during lockdown.'

'I can't believe all the major broadcasters are still trying to pull this crap off,' agreed husband Barry. 'I mean, it's obvious, isn't it? You might've got away with this in the eighties, but most people are wise to how telly works now, aren't they?

'On the plus side, we carried it off so well, we've just been offered full-time jobs as professional door answerers in movies. You know, like when detectives turn up on a doorstep? No one is ever taking a dump and shouting "I'll be there in a minute" - they're always right there opening the door exactly three seconds later, like they were just waiting behind it. Even in a really big house with a pool out back. But you see, that's the trick, isn't it? We don't answer it immediately, we wait a couple of beats, and then open the door. And never both of us together. For added realism, Jo will sometimes shout "who is it?" from the kitchen.'

Image: jupiterimages Photos | FreeImages

Magic crystals ask to see hard evidence of Ronaldo's 'talisman' credentials

Rings, stones and charms with magical powers have asked for some documentary evidence to support football commentators' constant claims that particular players are the undoubted talismans of their teams.

The news comes after a proliferation of so-called talismans at the 2022 World Cup, with concerns that any fertility-enhancing or personal protective powers of the mysterious objects are being watered down by their constant association with earthly characters such as Ronaldo or Gareth Bale.

'Ronaldo is a decent player and all, and his stepover is certainly something that can generate momentary awe and admiration', said Mike McBride, a 300-year-old amulet sniffily. 'But can he fend off evil, and repel snakes and scorpions by merely existing? I think not'.

'Lionel Messi and Kevin de Bruyne may be able to bring a dull game to life with a moment of deft skill and raise the performance levels of those around them on the pitch through an almost osmosis-like process', continued McBride.

'But as far as we're aware none of them any accredited courses to progress through our professional standards framework and reach approved talisman status. They're cowboys, pure and simple'.

In other news, footballers said to be 'putting in a shift' at the World Cup will be expected to submit detailed timesheets to back up any claims that have been made about their prodigious effort and application on the pitch.

Image: christophpeters_net | Pixabay