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The thought experiment derived by Erwin Schrödinger in which a hypothetical cat is both alive and dead at the same time has been superseded. It has been replaced by a list of clients for a sex trafficking ring compiled by Jeffrey Epstein which simultaneously exists on a desk, doesn’t exist at all, and was written by Barack Obama and his associates.


Epstein’s List completely clears up how to interpret the murky world in which Epstein lived, even though that world did or didn’t exist. It also does or doesn’t clean up all those who circulated in quantum superpositions. Some of those on the list may or may not remain in superposition despite many forces acting for or against them. Many people believe that, if it exists, Epstein’s List will make America great again, even if had never been great before. Epstein’s List is therefore also known as the MAGA Paradox.


Schrödinger's cat was both alive and dead while enclosed in a box with a flask of poison, a radioactive substance and a Geiger counter. Epstein was awaiting trial in a closed cell where video surveillance confirmed he was both alive and dead, although possibly not at the same time. The transition between the two states was mysteriously not recorded or was successfully recorded and either does or doesn’t exist any more. There is firm suspicion and yet absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that flasks of poison, radioactive substances or any other means of manipulating a change of state was ever present in that cell.


The fundamental question of Epstein’s List is the same as that of Schrödinger's cat. That is, how long do superpositions last and when will they collapse? For many, that collapse cannot come soon enough.



Lord Lucan has been found, alive and well in Peru, fifty years after disappearing from London in suspicious circumstances. Sensationally, the 90-year-old Lord Lucan was caught after his air fryer worked out his real identity and reported him to Interpol.


Lord Lucan is still struggling to understand the technology that brought him to justice.  ‘I’m sorry. I’ve been grassed up by a tiny oven that can only cook a meal for one, and can’t cope with anything moist? Why would a small electrical appliance be listening to me anyway?  And why would it record my words and broadcast them to the world?  It didn’t say anything about that on the box.  I only wanted it to make chips.  I’ve heard of Hi-Fi, but what on earth is WiFi?


‘I wouldn’t mind so much, but I bought the wretched thing in a thrift shop and I had to get someone to fit a local plug to it so that I could use it.  It’s been fairly useless for cooking.  It doesn’t do soup or eggs benedict or gazpacho or toasted sandwiches.  Roasted sandwiches, more like.  And the chips are disappointing, too.  And now it's sold me down the river, the ghastly thing.  Who invents stuff like this?  The FSB?  Mossad?  Why would a kitchen cooker be connected to the internet?  It’s mad.  Was I targeted?  Has anyone else been dobbed in by a small electrical item?


Interpol were surprised to receive a tip off from an air fryer, but are thrilled with the result.  A delighted and slightly overexcited spokesman said, ‘Lucan’s goose is cooked. He’s toast. He’s been skewered. I expect he’s boiling mad. He couldn’t take the heat. The whole thing was a recipe for disaster.


‘We expect to return Lord Lucan to the Metropolitan Police, who say that they are looking forward to grilling him.’


The air fryer is now in line to collect a substantial reward.



The former Flying Monkey Wrangler, Elphaba Thropp, is facing criticism from the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League after she appeared to link claims of misconduct she is facing to being green. She says , "Even Kermit admits it's not easy!".


Several dozen people have come forward to Newsbiscuit with allegations about Thropp, including her threatening to "use them as stuffing for a mattress and a beehive", both of which she denies.


In a statement this week the witch defended herself and also said she had recently been diagnosed with being green, but that The Wonderful Wizard of Oz had failed to "investigate my disability" or "protect me from what I now realise was a dangerous environment, namely a spooky castle surrounded by Winkie Guards".


Her friends say her condition means she can't wear underwear, and that this is "not ideal when you fly around riding on a broomstick". They add, " This is also partly to blame for her alleged inappropriate behaviour".


One Cowardly Lion told Newsbiscuit that being green is "not a free pass for bad behaviour, she's really mean". Other people. such as The Jolly Green Giant and The Incredible Hulk, live normal, fulfilling, useful lives without stigmatising the green community".


Dorothy, a spokesperson for Elphaba, tried to 'pour could water' on the situation, at which point the witch immediately melted away and disappeared.



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