The Queen burns her entire collection of Rihanna albums in anti-Barbados protest

Reports from Buckingham palace report that Her Majesty the Queen completely lost her shit following the declaration of independence by Barbados.

She immediately ordered a bonfire of all Royal household Rihanna records, CD's, tapes and bootleg albums, along with any devices used to stream the singer’s tracks. Palace insiders say she also attempted to glue herself to a steel drum she was given during the royal tour of Notting Hill in 1966.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman said that Her Majesty was deeply offended by Charles having to finally say something about slavery and being replaced as head of state by some dim-witted tart called Sandra.

“Her Majesty was intensely displeasured to learn that the royal family had lost a decent family holiday location as well as a safe hideout for Andrew. As for that appalling troublemaker Rihanna she needs to learn that if it wasn’t for slavery, she would never have had the opportunity to make that vile music of hers.”

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Female Swedish PM returns in Scandinavian noir twist

The Scandinavian noir series ‘Coalition’ threw yet another curve ball at us as Magdalena Andersson was voted back in as Swedish Prime Minister only days after resigning as the country’s first female premier.

She knows her tenuous hold on power is due to a deadlocked parliament, where neither the centre-left nor centre-right can form a majority on their own, and viewers will no doubt be gripped in the coming episodes as she tries to navigate a fragmented and fraught political landscape.

Will we see more of her trademark Fairisle knitwear? When are the bodies going to start surfacing? How are they producing this show with such a contentious budget? What we can be certain of is that things will get darker, they always do, and crime will feature heavily.

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Common sense to be compulsory again from today

The UK government has announced that common sense will once again become compulsory this week.

“Once again, the general public will be legally required to use common sense and common decency,” a spokesperson for the prime minister said. “We are putting these measures in place now, so that at Christmas people can act as though their actions have no consequences or impact on others again.”

The steps come into effect troday, having allowed people time to make a carefree visit to Peppa Pig World beforehand, they added.

Exemptions will apply for those that have never been able to show any sign of common sense or common decency – such as government ministers.

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