‘Racist, misogynist, homophobic’ - BoJo is ideal Met Police Chief

Just in case his lies get him sacked yet again, Boris Johnson is supposedly intrigued by the Casey Report's description of the Met Police as ‘racist, misogynistic and homophobic’. One aide said ‘That description sounds like something Boris can really get behind - in good faith and on the basis of what he honestly believes. Then he can do a misleading but unintentional 180 whenever it becomes expedient.’

One Tory MP said ‘If Boris does get kicked out, he’d need to go somewhere where “racism, misogyny and homophobia” is the motto, probably in Latin under the crest. The Met Police seems like a logical fit – he could go door to door in Uxbridge and South Ruislip and taser everyone who doesn’t vote for him on whatever charges he likes.’

Meanwhile Nadine Dorries’ office appeared to confirm that the same woman who didn’t know who pays for Channel 4, will self-immolate outside the Privileges Committee Rooms if her hero Boris was found guilty of having misled the House of Commons. As petrol is still pretty expensive, several thousand yet-to-be-pulped copies of Dorries’ novels will be used as kindling.

A statement, possibly written by Dorries herself (in crayon and in capitals) read ‘BJ didn’t mislead the House because everyone already knew he was lying. I call him BJ because... well... you can work it out for yourselves.’

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Cats Protection League and RSPB to meet at dawn

It’s a feud which has simmered for almost a century. There have been isolated encounters in the past – a few drive-by spayings and a regrettable incident involving a clockwork mouse and some gelignite - but now the two organisations are going to war.

‘There’s no point us trying to stop bird species going extinct while they’re protecting cats’, a spokesman for the RSPB told us while applying camouflage paint. Mike (not his real name, it’s Samuel) works as a librarian in Colchester. ‘We had hoped to enlist the help of some dog people but they’re staying neutral. Bastards’.

Jenny has volunteered with the Cats Protection League for almost thirty years, and has no children. ‘It’s just “Cats Protection” now, she hissed. ‘We dropped the word ‘League’ twenty years ago. Why can’t you people get anything right?’ She seems miffed about something so I retreat carefully, scanning the floor for random furry friends. Jenny stands in the doorway watching as I stumble down the unkempt path and fumble with the car door. I can’t really explain why I feel nervous but then I look up and every wall has a cat sitting on it, staring directly at me.

‘Their feathered friends won’t help, you know’. Jenny looks smug, confident. ‘Bird people are weak’. A cat jumps down from the nearest wall and brushes past my leg, purring. Then another. I wrench open the door and a ginger tom leaps onto the roof of the car, hissing aggressively. As I drive away the battalion of cats nonchalantly passes in front of me, sauntering out of my path in a display of arrogant mastery of time and space, and I worry about Samuel, sorry, Mike, and his friends. There are going to be a lot of empty bird feeders tomorrow.

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Study finds Godwin's Law actually a Nazi invention

It has long been accepted wisdom that the first person in a debate or argument to resort to accusing someone of acting like a Nazi has lost the argument, and the concept is generally attributed to Mike Godwin in 1990. New research has discovered that the so-called Godwin's Law actually goes back a lot further.

'In 1939 the generals governing Poland are recorded as calling Adolf Hitler a Nazi, and they certainly lost that argument,' said an expert today. ' Apparently the French and Belgium leaderships called him a Nazi about that time, too. Holland, well, they could have used more circumspect language,' he suggested. 'Perhaps if these leaders of countries had moderated their language, perhaps like Gary Lineker, World War Two might have been avoided,' he added.

The expert view regarding the debate about the UK migrant deportation process that has resulted in the likes of Priti Patel and Suella Braverman being likened to Nazis is that Godwin's Law doesn't apply. 'If it walks like a duck,' suggested the expert.

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