Country admits their special relationship is very unbalanced

The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country.

'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can change. They have massive mood swings, like every four years, it’s like they are completely different.

'I don’t like who they mix with, their friends are a bit scary and do awful stuff, but I can’t say anything, can I? They had an incident a few years back, I can't remember the exact date. Don’t tell them I said that, they go crazy if you forget it. You must never forget it. Anyway, they asked everyone for help and we jumped up and said no problem. Bunch of us did, I am sure they would do the same for any of us. Hopefully.

'They do treat me nice sometimes, like this year, they were being really mean to everyone and because I complimented how clever they are at business they were less mean to me. That really shows how special this relationship is. I always try to scrub up nice and make a big deal for visits, that definitely makes them happy. For a bit.

'Part of me inside knows that this is just wrong and wants out, but I can’t leave now, I have invested so much in this relationship that is not weird in any way. They have promised me a really nice mutual agreement, so I really need to stay for that. It’ll be so special.'

If you or any other countries were affected by this article, you can contact the United Nations Help Desk and listen to some soothing music.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Corbyn’s new party could provide 'limitless source of cheap energy'

Scientists today announced they’ve discovered a way to turn the factional infighting of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s Your Party into a limitless source of cheap energy.

'The trouble with existing hydrogen-based fission reactors is that you have to put the material under extreme heat and pressure to make it split into its component parts,' explained Dr Bunsen Honeydew. 'So most of the energy you get out, you have to put straight back in to keep the reaction going.

'But this new material, yourpartium, is incredible - you just need a tiny amount and it gets overheated and starts splitting all by itself. In fact, some experiments suggest you just need a single atom of corbynium and one of sultanium, and fission occurs almost immediately.'

Newspaper columnists and cartoonists confirmed they also find the party a limitless source of cheap gags, often referencing the People’s Front of Judea from Monty Python’s 'Life of Brian'.

'However, it does have the same problem fission always does,' Dr Honeydew continued, 'in that it produces a rather toxic waste product - in this case, bitterness. 

'Clearly, we need to find a way of disposing of it safely. One suggestion is to combine it with the former Prince Andrew’s bitterness at losing his titles and status, and dump the whole lot out at sea.'

Image credit: NB archives