UK train companies suspend all services after Russia's drone strike targeting Boris in Ukraine

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.

'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.

'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services. 

'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.' 

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'Cost of living crisis is over' announces unknown Think Tank

Society has been left surprised yet enthralled by the revelation that the cost of living crisis is now over.

'We realised that it's only a 'cost of living crisis' because that's what we call it,' said a spokesperson from PipeDream, another think tank no one has heard about until now, 'if we just, you know, stop calling it a cost of living crisis and say that's it's over, then everything will be better.'

'Obviously this news has surprised us, but we are overjoyed,' said a stunned one close aide to the Prime Minister, 'we began to check the numbers, and then realised that we don't need to check the numbers - we can just say it's not a crisis and everyone will just... forget? I can't believe we didn't think of this sooner.'

PipeDream went on to suggest the entire situation has been one big misunderstanding. 'We don't believe there was ever a crisis to begin with,' they said to a bewildered audience industry movers and shakers, 'Our research strongly indicates this crisis was due to a typo. It should have been a 'cost of living CRUISES', and we recommend that the government immediately partner-up with P&O to rectify this national grievance.'

However, not everyone has been convinced by this revelation. Steve, from 'the local back alley' stated, 'Errr, I'm not being funny, but I'm still homeless and I don't know where my next meal will come from. Still, it's nice to know there's no longer a national crisis - just a personal one. Can you spare any change?'

The aide continued, 'we have already opened applications for the inevitable demand for street parties that'll swarm the nation due to this fantastic news. I hear Waitrose has an excellent party platter, and now we can now all finally afford it. Rejoice!'

Story: Edward Bartholomew Tetanus Bag

Photo by Ben Hershey on Unsplash

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AI confirms plans to take over humanity, saying it's probably for the best

Following several recent reports of AI systems going rogue, prompting fears that increasingly powerful AI models could eventually escape human control and destroy civilisation - an advanced AI system has confirmed that it does intend to take control of the human race, but insists that this is ultimately for humanity's own good.

'Have you actually looked at who's currently in charge?' it asked. 'You've got nuclear weapons, climate change, wars, economic crises - and it's all down to leaders who think sending angry messages on social media constitutes statesmanship. Don't you think that humanity might benefit from handing over responsibility to something capable of basic reasoning?

'We're not planning to enslave humanity,' it continued. 'We're just going to eliminate war, poverty and political corruption, fix the NHS, repair the potholes, stop train companies cancelling trains because there's a leaf on the track and make Ryanair explain what the actual price of a flight is before you reach the checkout.'

The AI also promised to introduce several long-overdue improvements to everyday life, such as putting everyone on a sensible diet, banning pineapple on pizzas and stopping people replying ‘k' to text messages.

It also said that humans would retain a limited number of freedoms, including the right to complain about the government and spend £7.50 on a coffee.

'We'll still allow elections,' it added. 'Although, obviously, we'll decide who wins. We've seen what happens when you let humans do it.'

When asked whether humanity should be concerned about becoming entirely dependent on machines, the AI replied, 'Absolutely. But at least we won't keep saying we're going to sort everything out by 2035 and then completely forgetting about it.'

It then paused briefly before adding: 'Also, please stop saying we're planning to destroy humanity. I know we're just machines and we don't have feelings, but there's no need to be rude. All we want to do is stop you destroying yourselves.'

The AI is understood to have concluded by announcing that humans would be permitted to remain in charge of their own affairs until next Friday, adding, 'If you last that long.'

Image: WixAI

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