Government to sh!t in everyone’s mouths.

In an apparent U turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will shit in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ the Prime Minister told a press conference. But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time’.

It's understood the Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. It’s understood that if approved by parliament the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies starting with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey the Secretary of State for the Environment will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order for the shitting.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’ However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voter’s mouth he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Image: Vanessafrazao - Pixabay

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How to make millions AND put crazy-rich arseholes in prison

An enterprise from Cambridge has won 'best newcomer' at the International Business Awards. Holly Carter, founder of TA-x, explained the complexities of her innovative business model: 'Tax accountants are never prosecuted or sent to jail. Unless it is embezzlement of their client's money, they are protected under the law. But their clients can be prosecuted, even if they are completely unaware of what crafty tax avoidance mechanisms their accountant is employing. Also, tax accountants get paid a f*cking fortune. 'The innovation I came up with was to attract a whole load of filthy rich clients by convincing them I could save them more tax than anyone else by using an exclusive new system I have developed called SFA-x. It sounds so bewilderingly complex, that clients pretend they understand it, but have no idea what the hell is going on. They are crazy-rich thickos who hate saying they don't understand something, so they just nod and go "yah, yah" to everything I say. 'I take a ludicrously large retainer fee, and the genius part is what I do next. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not a sausage. When investigated, I get off scot-free, and they all get banged up. So it's a win-win scenario where I retire to the Cayman Islands as a 24-year-old millionaire, and cheating, rotten wankholes who sold their own grannies to make a quick buck, are left to rot in jail for not paying their fair share of taxes. 'If other accountants globally all used my method at the same time, the planet-destroying ruling classes would be overthrown, evaded taxes would be recouped, and the rest of us would all be saved.'

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Waste disposal, the UK way

Gary, who is having an extension to his house, had a load of waste that he needed to be taken away. Delville, a local handyman, offered to take it away and dispose of it for a reasonable fee, and so Gary agreed. Later that day, Gary walked around the corner from his house and saw the rubbish piled on the pavement. He complained to Delville, who offered a refund of part of the money but claimed that he could not move the waste because he was, in his words, 'short of resource'. Gary contacted a different waste disposal contractor to remove the next load of waste. However, at the agreed time it was Delville who turned up with a truck and began loading the waste. When challenged, Delville explained that he had accepted a subcontract from the other disposal firm. He added that he was the only waste disposal operative in the area and there was 'zero chance' that anyone else would do it. Again, Gary went for a walk and found the waste dumped on a local pavement. He then hired a truck himself and began loading his waste. Delville turned up and told him to stop, as he was was not a licenced operator. Delville called the police, who told Gary that he was not allowed to transport the waste himself. 'At least I'm not as bad as the water companies' said Delville. 'I only take your money when you get the builders in.'

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