Epstein ‘alive and well’ at Hotel California

Some believe Jeffrey Epstein to be dead. A handful of people even think he took his own life.

But what if he’s alive, spirited away to safety by the CIA? Weird News specialist Ray Sullivan blew the lid several years ago on Hotel California, a secret island retreat for ‘deceased’ rock stars. Could Epstein be there?

NewsBiscuit went undercover to reveal the truth, but we couldn’t find it. Turns out secret islands aren’t easy to locate and the CIA won’t answer even a really polite email. It’s Area 51 all over again, we wasted months on that.

Do you know where Epstein is hiding? Have you seen someone who looks like him? Or do you, perhaps, run a training agency for undercover reporters? Better still – do you know where we could hire somebody competent? If so, we’d like to hear from you.

image from grok

Man builds ark as UK experiences ‘dry weather shortage’

Following confirmation from the Met Office that it has rained somewhere in the UK every single day so far this year, a Shropshire man has announced that he is “about 60% sure the end is nigh” and has therefore built a full-scale ark, where he is now trapped with two of every animal on Earth.

Noah Smith said he felt compelled to build the ark when the amount of rain that has fallen this year started to feel “almost biblical”, and the weather app showed nothing but rain icons extending indefinitely into the future. “At some point,” he explained, “you stop asking ‘when will it end?’ and start asking ‘how many cubic metres does a giraffe emotionally require?’”

Problems began the moment the animals boarded. “Two of every animal is actually loads of animals,” said Noah, who has not slept in four days. “And then there’s the smells, and the noise. The elephants are constantly blocking the corridors, the snakes keep escaping and reappearing in places snakes should not be, and the rabbits have turned two rabbits into what I can only describe as an infestation.”

Feeding time has proven especially challenging. “The lions turn their noses up at anything that isn’t actively screaming, and the goats have consumed several structural beams instead of eating the hay provided for them,” sighed Noah. “Meanwhile, the penguins are being divas about temperature control, and the monkeys keep throwing essential navigation equipment overboard.”

Sanitation has also become a sensitive subject. “It turns out the phrase ‘clean as a whistle’ was not coined on a floating zoo,” Noah said, trying to scrape dung off the sole of his shoe with the end of an umbrella.

As rain continues to fall sideways, Noah admits he may have misread the signs. “In hindsight, the forecast of rain probably only applies to Britain,” he said. “I could’ve just bought a better coat, and some wellies.” Mopping the deck as a passing zebra kicked over his mop bucket, he added “Still, if civilisation collapses - and let’s face it, that’s the way things seem to be heading – at least I’ll be prepared. Emotionally? No. But structurally? Yes.”

The ark will probably remain afloat until at least the end of February, when Severn Trent Water is expected to announce a hosepipe ban.

image from pixabay

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NewsBiscuit Car Review: The all new Keir Stormer

There were high expectations on this new model, in this case SiR Stormer. The build up to the launch was preceded by genuine positive expectations, however it turns out that this version is a bit of a let down, offering little joy and disappointing performance. The cost seems high for what it eventually delivered, and other competitors have already taken advantage of this.

The longevity of it is already in question and it appears to depreciate at an alarming rate. On an unchallenging run, it handles well but struggles under difficult conditions. Other countries have been complimentary on its capabilities, yet it has not faired so well here in Britain.

It is a small, compact unit much suited to urban environments; out in the countryside it has less appeal. You won’t see too many farmers choosing this to meet their needs.

Not the worst option out there, and maybe only appeals to true fans. Long term, will it be reliable enough to last or will they replace it with something flashier with a bit of zing? Only time will tell.

Pros

It turns on a sixpence

Surprisingly good for families with many children

Cons

Promises of low tax now seem exaggerated

Starts poorly and never really gets going

Functional but lacks any charm ✭✭✩✩✩