Harry 'Fingers' McClean, currently under investigation by the Metropolitan Police for burglary, theft with menaces, carrying an offensive weapon, spitting in a latte, extortion, unnatural relations with a small puppy, tax avoidance with threats, operating a TV without a valid licence, and using sweary words in a public place, has been exonerated by an internal investigation. The investigation panel consisted of his mum and his Uncle Robert, who incidentally isn't a real uncle but does stop...

President Trump has denied that the US Air Force has been spooked by three Transit vans and five guys syphoning petrol. The relocation of the B52 bomber fleet is more to do with illegal voting than being scared of Iran. Honestly. 'Iran isn't an issue for the United States,' he said today, 'but illegal voting is.' There is little, if any, evidence of meaningful voting crime in the US, and the President thinks dropping nuclear bomb on potential Democrat voting queues would completely...

Brian Welch (51) has just spent five weeks researching 3D printers, weighing up size, price and reviews and then spent £562 to buy the latest and greatest 3D printer on the market. When it arrived, he unpacked it and stood it on the dining room table, which wobbles because one leg is, annoyingly, shorter than the other three. 'The wobbly table has always irritated me,' he told reporters, admitting he should have sent it back to Argos years ago. 'The wobble made setting the 3D printer up a...