Man who says he is 'all over' a task is actually not more motivated at all

An enthusiastic but unrealistic work colleague who claims that he is going to be 'all over' a task that needs completing this afternoon, is in reality only going to give it a slightly increased bit of his attention for a few minutes, it has been disappointingly revealed.

'Those excel spreadsheets with the monthly figures on - I'm totally all over those after lunch, you guys' , announced Mike McBride, reassuringly, before opening up the latest episode of The Gold on iplayer on his laptop.

‘And that presentation we’ve got to finish today pitching for a new client – I’m completely all over that, in a way you wouldn’t believe’, promised McBride, before sneaking off for an hour-long dump scrolling absent-mindedly through Facebook on his phone.

Other assertions made by McBride should be reduced by a factor of 10 to give a more reasonable indication of his attitude towards them, work colleagues have indicated.

‘Mike’s claim that he is giving 110% to a task generally means that he is sitting at his desk in sleep mode’, revealed a workmate.

‘And when he says ‘mate, I'm simply not having that', to absolutely everything, from hearing an Ed Sheeran song to a request to do the sandwich run on a Friday, it just means he has a very slight dislike of the thing in question’, continued the workmate.

‘Frustratingly, I can also reveal that his repeated reassurance that 'I've got this', generally means the exact opposite.’

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Banks: F**k around meets find out

With less oversight than a FIFA spa day and more dirty practices than an OnlyFans account, the banking sector is awash with unethical activity. The result has been repeated crashes and more short selling than a cub-scout jumble sale.

As capitalism teeters on the edge of armageddon and the last season of the Walking Dead, bankers play Russian roulette with our savings. Confessed one banker: 'I'm sooo bored. Do you think people would notice if I set everyone's head on fire?'

One bank collapse could trigger a domino effect, where the last legal tender will be Monopoly money. The banker said: 'Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Now excuse me, I need to stick this fork into an electrical socket'.

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Man bemoans yet another low trade-in car valuation

A Colchester man has been left rueing his long run of bad fortune with cars after receiving yet another low valuation from a car showroom when attempting to part-exchange his vehicle. Peter Jones was left reeling after obtaining a quote of less than half the figure he had got from webuyanycar.com for his 2017 Renault Clio.

'I've been really unlucky with each of the four cars I've owned, that's for sure', said Jones, dejectedly. 'Every time, the poor salesman has had to deliver some bad news to me, completely out of the blue. Back in 2010 it was my Fiesta. I really had no idea that their value depreciated the most between the third and fourth year of ownership - trust my luck that I was trading in right in that slot'.

'I factored that in with my next car, a Focus, trading it in after 2 years in 2012', continued Jones. 'The darnedest thing though...the salesman told me that getting parts for Focus's of that particular year were a known industry problem.'

'And then, in 2017, to be told that the second hand market for Minis had collapsed following Brexit. Could happen to anyone I guess'.

'The guys at my dealership really did me proud this time, though', Jones noted with a smile.

'The salesman I was dealing with went off to see his manager, and came back with a part-exchange value £200 more than the one they first offered. I could see the two of them deep in conversation. I hope that act of kindness doesn't affect their monthly sales targets.'

Jones believes his luck with cars may now have changed too. 'My salesman offered me this upholstery protection at £700 on the Qashqai I was buying, so I've pretty much future-proofed the trade in value for this beauty'.

'The market for Qashqai's is pretty solid too. There's a lot of them coming off the assembly lines', continued Jones. 'At least that's what I think the salesman meant when he muttered that there is one born every minute as I left the showroom'.

Image: Photo by Alex Suprun on Unsplash

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