Big Avocado announces plans to expand beyond brunch

Huge news from the hospitality sector today as the International Association of Avocado Producers (IAAP) announced that they are seeking to expand their dominance of the brunch market into other mealtimes.

"We have single handedly elevated brunch to the main social meal of the middle and monied classes", said Brian McAhone, spokesperson for the IAAP, to the cheers of the public, "so now it is time for the avocado to do for lunch and dinner what it did for brunch."

Mr McAhone went to announce lunch items such as toasted avocado, cheese and ham sandwiches; deep fried avocado crisps; and avocado kebabs. Dinner was also represented by exciting new entries such as avocado lasagne; steak and avocado chips; and avocado wellington. The success of bottomless brunch will be rivalled now by deeply discounted dinner and legless lunch.

The crowd seemed extremely enthusiastic and were looking forward to seeing what variation on "smashed" would avail itself to the further mealtimes but rumours on dinner were that it was "mercilessly stamped on".

Image: Pixabay/Engin_Akyurt

Devastating asteroid "will impact Black gay transwomen most", claims Guardian

The announcement from NASA that a huge asteroid is hurtling towards Earth, and will undoubtedly wipe out every form of life when it hits, was followed ten minutes later by an article on the Guardian's website claiming that Black gay transwomen will be worst affected.

The article, by the Guardian's regular "misogynoir correspondent" Batti al Wakko, claims that "structural factors in racist, patriarchal Western society" make Black gay transwomen particularly vulnerable to lumps of rock the size of Idaho approaching at fifty thousand miles an hour.

The article was greeted with astonishment by a NASA spokesman, who asked how she could possibly not understand that literally everyone is going to die instantly when the asteroid hits. Al Wakko retorted that the spokesman (a term she objected to) was demonstrating typical white, male, hetero, cis privilege in not seeing the problem, and she objected to his using the pronoun "she" in relation to her when she hadn't declared that she preferred it.

She also added that white supremacy was clearly the cause of the asteroid's trajectory, and it was high time a conversation about reparations was held. Surprisingly the NASA spokesman agreed, suggesting the day after the asteroid hits for talks to begin.

image from pixabay

UK Water demands sewage 'from the river to the sea'

Appropriating the Peace Chant, the water industry plans to pollute with impunity. Said a spokeswoman: 'We've no idea where Palestine is, or what they want, but they've got some great PR on avoiding plumbing.' An irrate Peace Protestor remarked: 'We're calling for end to Israeli tanks, not an end to septic tanks.'

The Metropolitan Police has issued a warning that such a phrase could inflame tensions between Southern Water and their shareholders. Despite this the water industry boasted that their proposed sewage spill will be the size of Gaza - but, despite the bombing, people in Gaza will have better access to clean water.

Said the spokeswoman: 'We shall pollute on the beaches, we shall pollute in the fields and in the streets; we shall never clean up.'

image from pixabay