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Speed cameras on Moon capture SpaceX crash


New footage of part of Elon Musk’s SpaceX rocket smashing into the Moon reveals two bright flashes just before impact. The flashes appear to come from a yellow box at the top of a pole rising some 5 metres out of the lunar surface, leading UK scientists to speculate that someone or some thing has placed speed cameras on the Moon.


Who would take such action? Jeff Bezos? The Amazon boss’ Blue Origin space program is well underway, but still lags behind Musk. Maybe it’s Bezos’ way of slowing up Musk’s progress, just a harmless bit of fun between two billionaires.


The question of speed in space is becoming more urgent as the universe becomes more crowded. The UK Space Agency (UKSA) – yes, we have one – has recommended a yellow box junction above the Moon’s most popular access points. Landing will be prohibited until the exit is clear.


The UKSA has also proposed a 20mph zone above the site of the 1969 landing, the Sea of Tranquility, in preparation for the ‘open deck’ tourist rockets that cannot be far away now.


Meanwhile, NASA analysis of the Moon crash footage has left the scientists baffled. They have run the yellow box footage through their digital boost software which has revealed the words ‘Property of Bromley Council’ printed along the side.


But no one at NASA has heard of Bromley so they’ve deleted the file.





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Cyclospora outbreak leaves Americans in deep sh!t


An outbreak of Cyclospora in the US has turned eating a salad into an extreme sport involving diarrhoea so explosive that some toilets have reportedly been left looking like a scene of “gastrointestinal terrorism”.


The parasite has contaminated fresh produce including lettuce, and causes sufferers to experience prolonged diarrhoea which some describe as less “upset stomach” and more “biological incident”. Plumbers across the US have reported an increase in emergency call-outs, with one saying he had recently been forced to introduce a new pricing category: ‘standard blockage’, ‘serious blockage’ and ‘Jesus Christ, what happened in here?’


Toilet manufacturers have been reviewing their product specifications, after several models were unable to cope with what experts have called “very high velocity evacuations”. One bathroom company has announced plans for a new, heavy-duty toilet capable of withstanding “three Taco Tuesdays and a vindaloo”.

Meanwhile, supermarkets report that sales of toilet paper, bleach and industrial strength air freshener have soared. One retailer said, “People are panic-buying toilet rolls again. After Covid, we thought we’d seen the last of that.”


The outbreak has dealt a serious blow to the healthy-eating industry. Sales of lettuce have reportedly collapsed, while sales of foods requiring no contact with vegetables have surged. Health officials have stressed that properly washed, fresh produce can still be part of a healthy diet. However, this has done little to reassure Americans who now treat a bag of salad like it contains a live grenade. Many are calling for a warning label on lettuce reading ‘May cause rapid, unscheduled bowel movements.’


“It’s a terrible setback for public health,” said one dietician. “We’ve spent years telling people to eat more greens. Now people see a lettuce leaf and think, ‘That nearly killed Grandma.’” The outbreak has been particularly upsetting for those trying to improve their diet. “I started eating five portions of fruit and veg a day,” said one victim, “But it seemed like a lot more than five portions when it came out the other end.”

He then summed up the new attitude towards healthy eating, “I used to think eating a salad was boring. Now it feels like I’m playing rectum roulette.”





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Musk summonsed on charge of fly-tipping


Weirdo trillionaire, Elon Musk, has been summonsed by the Lunar Magistrates' Court we can report. Specifically in the matter of aggravated fly-tipping a large chunk of space rocket in or around the vicinity of the Moon's Einstein Crater.


An environment spokesman for the Man in the Moon said, 'This guy Musk has been caught bang to rights. Just say the guvnor had been out for a stroll and that pile of scrap metal landed on him. He'd not have been too best pleased I can tell you. We're taking this matter seriously and have not ruled out a custodial sentence.'


Meanwhile, to the surprise of absolutely no one, Musk responded by calling a press briefing where he brandished a chainsaw in a threatening manner, jumped around like a demented halfwit and wore a gormless expression whilst circling a sixty-foot tall balloon with lunar map printed on it.


When Musk's former best pal, Donald Trump, was asked to comment on the incident he said, 'Wow, that schmuck almost makes me look sane.'





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