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Royal Mail to stop delivering mail

Pension fund and part-time mail delivery service The Royal Mail will announce its intention to cease mail deliveries completely. It will rebrand as The Royal to emphasise the company’s ‘agility and creativity’ while executives figure out what they might fancy doing next. The move follows a poorly attended Board meeting where several participants complained that they ‘hadn’t received an agenda, as per bleedin’ usual’.


A spokesman said ‘The Royal Mail is synonymous with excellent returns on investment, black-and-white cats and red vans. We also deliver letters sometimes, but that aspect of operations is really hitting margins’.


The company will focus activities on cool stamps, Postman Pat merchandise and attempting to break the Guinness World Record for most champagne corks popped in a twelve hour period. A Postman Pat movie is in the offing, with Pat’s secret lover, Mrs Goggins, being falsely imprisoned by the Post Office, Royal Mail’s evil twin.


The spokesman said ‘Critics will criticise, it’s what they do. Can’t they be happy for us? Just this once? We want to show the world that we’re less evil than the Post Office’.


In other news, privatisation is going really well.



Farage to sue satnav company after failing to locate Clacton

Nigel Farage, Prime Minister-in-Waiting, has announced a lawsuit against Trotters Independent Traders over ‘dodgy’ navigation advice.


‘Every blasted time I try to visit Clacton it sends me somewhere else’, he told reporters. In 2024 alone it sent me to Arizona, Chicago, Kuala Lumpur, Pennsylvania, New York and Washington. This year it’s dumped me in Washington (twice), Florida, France, Las Vegas and Abu Dhabi’.


Residents have mixed feelings. Geoff (67) is a registered idiot: ‘I voted for Nige and I think the sun shines out of his arse. No, really, I actually believe that. Astronomy isn’t my strongest subject’.


Cathy (26) has an IQ greater than her pulse, and is quite pleased that the leather-bound politician is staying away. ‘Given the number of Reform candidates who end up arrested or suspended, I feel safer knowing he’s thousands of miles away. Could they send him into space?’


Trotters have refused a refund on the basis that Farage somehow manages to find every TV studio within a 200 mile radius. It’s a mystery.



US Weather Service advises looking out the window


The US Weather Service has taken some stick for failing to warn Texas residents about the risk of flash floods.


However, despite some serious Doge-inflicted staffing cuts, the Weather Service is still gamely trying to do its job. They have issued the following advice:


  • The best predictor of tomorrow’s weather is today’s weather. Fact.


  • If you hang up seaweed outside your house and it gets washed away, then worry.


  • Mackerel sky, twenty four hours dry.  Mackerel on the carpet, time to evacuate.


  • Take extra care if you live somewhere known as Flash Flood Alley


  • Don’t believe everything you see on social media. Sometimes looking out the window is better.


  • When dew is on the grass, rain will never come to pass.  When dew is on the carpet, get out the house before you cark it.


  • When the wind is in the East, check your insurance hasn’t ceased.


  • You’re never going to get rid of the smell of damp carpet.


  • In an emergency, get out fast, despite your urge to stay and film it all for TikTok


And


  • Why not subscribe to our privately funded weather service?




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