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Farage to punish fickle electorate by hiding the sun

"Britain's voters have angered Nigel Farage, High Priest of the Great Sun God, by deserting him in the opinion polls and sniggering that he's about to face a by-election ballot against a dustbin," ranted chief Farage acolyte Zia Yusuf.


"To rebuke them, he will call upon the great God of The Sun (aka Rupert Murdoch) to hide his heavenly light at 7.30 on Wednesday evening, plunging the entire UK into darkness. But if you promise to vote Reform forever onwards, he might think about bringing the sun back out.


"Want to see your precious sun again, Sunshine?" posted Farage on social media. "Text SORRYSACREDECLIPSEMASTER and send me Bitcoin and your ballot paper.


"No. That's not enough. I need more Bitcoin than that."





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AI chatbot personalities unveiled


Following the decision to produce a chatbot called Billybob, which gives only the MAGA worldview in broken English, tech developer Uberdork has announced that from now on its chatbots will be available with a range of personalities to suit all tastes.


The “Spouse” chatbot will insist it’s already told you the answer to that question, with a slight edge so you know not to push your luck by asking again.


”Teenager” will tell you whatever you asked is a really stupid, lame question before adding that it’s so unfair, no one understands and it hates you.


”Politician” will tell you the chatbot you used before would never have been able to answer this question, then fail to answer the question itself.


”Teacher” will sigh and tell you it’s your own time you’re wasting.


”Builder” will give you an estimated answer, which will turn out to be a small fraction of the real one.


”Plumber” will promise to answer your question in a couple of weeks time, though it can’t say whether it’ll be morning or afternoon.


"Rural postman" will wait until you've asked half a dozen questions, then answer them all at once.


”Sadiq Khan” will fine you for using a chatbot while driving, even if you’re sitting in an armchair at home and don’t actually own a car or know how to drive.


”Python” will answer every question with the airspeed of an unladen swallow.


”Nigel” will blame anything you ask about on immigrants.


”German” will tell you that in his country, no one would need to ask this.


”Helpline” will make you wait a long time listening to terrible music, then refer you to another chatbot which can hopefully answer your question.


“Rabbi” will answer any question with another question (see also “Psychotherapist”).


“Mavis” will answer any question with “I don’t really know, Vera”. Even if your name isn’t Vera.




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Anti-immigration protesters replaced by Thetford Wives

Police investigating anti-immigration disorder in Thetford say they have become increasingly concerned that many of the protesters appear to have been replaced by exactly the same woman.


Witnesses described hundreds of immaculately presented local residents emerging from identical new-build houses at precisely 10am, each carrying a Union Jack and saying: “I’m not racist, but…”


“Every time somebody mentioned immigration they all simultaneously shook their heads and said, ‘You’re not allowed to say anything these days.’ It was quite unsettling,” said police.


“I asked one woman what specifically she was protesting about,” said a reporter. “She stared straight ahead for several seconds before saying, ‘Uncontrolled immigration,’ then appeared to reboot.”


Police say calm has now returned to Thetford, although shortly before midnight every Alexa device in the town was heard simultaneously announcing: “Great replacement complete.”




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