- Sully
- 18 minutes ago

Pension fund and part-time mail delivery service The Royal Mail will announce its intention to cease mail deliveries completely. It will rebrand as The Royal to emphasise the company’s ‘agility and creativity’ while executives figure out what they might fancy doing next. The move follows a poorly attended Board meeting where several participants complained that they ‘hadn’t received an agenda, as per bleedin’ usual’.
A spokesman said ‘The Royal Mail is synonymous with excellent returns on investment, black-and-white cats and red vans. We also deliver letters sometimes, but that aspect of operations is really hitting margins’.
The company will focus activities on cool stamps, Postman Pat merchandise and attempting to break the Guinness World Record for most champagne corks popped in a twelve hour period. A Postman Pat movie is in the offing, with Pat’s secret lover, Mrs Goggins, being falsely imprisoned by the Post Office, Royal Mail’s evil twin.
The spokesman said ‘Critics will criticise, it’s what they do. Can’t they be happy for us? Just this once? We want to show the world that we’re less evil than the Post Office’.
In other news, privatisation is going really well.
Image: aitoff - Pixabay