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UK researchers into rage hate, commonly referred to as the UK Gammon Index (UKGI), have reported it is rising faster than Global Warming, which in itself is a common driver of the UKGI whenever mentioned. 'We might be in a spiralling feedback loop,' said one researcher, adding, 'no, I don't know what that means either'.


With Poppy Rage currently overtaking the traditional rage about fireworks being set off early for Bonfire night, with the concurrent rage over whether it should be named Guy Fawkes' night adding to the mix. Christmas Rage, a relatively recent rage made worse by reference to 'the Holiday Season' is bending the UKGI gauge to breaking point.


'Monitoring UK rage just makes me mad,' said the researcher, turning bright red, banging his fist on the table and filling in an application to join Reform in crayon. Which, of course, he ate in a fit of rage.


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

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A brand in an industry notorious for failing on the one thing it is supposed to do, has finally achieved more than one star on Drunkpilot.


'When it comes to delivering goods to clients in prison, we can't be beaten,' confirmed Sam Pell, head of incarcerated customer satisfaction at Amazon Crime. 'We have a 100% success rate in not deliberately leaving packages with a neighbour.'


Industry watchdog, Amazon Crimewatch UK, are critical, however. 'Firstly, their target market have a tendency to be in. Secondly, they're criminals with a horrendous track record in tax evasion who have no right to run a delivery service.'


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“Stop saying that, why would you even think that? Being too scared that our glorious leader will leave us so we have to promise him $1,000,000,000,000 is perfectly normal and not weird at all. He is the only one who can rescue us and our money, he will save us and protect us from the woke mind virus and an insanely overpriced company collapsing if he leaves. This is all perfectly un-weird, he will take us to Mars, no comets involved as of yet, but I am willing to die on that comet if there is one. Does this sound like a cult to you? No, you’re weird.”


The disciple paused to check the Tesla share price and then continued.


“Promising ten million dollars an hour to keep him is not weird. That is an ok thing to do and totally rational. I did my own research, and all my fellow mission-driven associates say it is not weird at all. He has targets, we’re not crazy. One of them is for Tesla to produce 1 million robots a year by 2030. Nothing can go wrong with that. Our Supreme God King said that Asimov is a nerd, and his laws of robotics are lame and Lord Elon's own laws about allowing robots to injure humans whilst making a fart noise are well sick.”


He muttered something about “so called experts”, did a quick double “Roman salute" and left, staring at his share tracker.




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