LinkedIn just wants to be LovedIn

Like a jilted lover in an 80s movie, LinkedIn has been standing outside the house of its ex, boom box above its head, begging her to come back after sending over 300 notification emails in a week.

Lapsed LinkedIn-er Rachel Rutherford said 'I did use LinkedIn when I was looking for a new job – 4 years ago. I don’t care if I’ve appeared in 10 searches this week or if a recruitment consultant I once met doubled his sales funnel by implementing a new business model inspired by white water rafting.'

A spokesbusinessperson for LinkedIn said ‘Wish social media could feel more like work? Update your profile and imply to your boss he can soon shove his job up his arse. 300 notifications per week is definitely not insecure or clingy.’ The spokesbusinessperson hugged a binder, then pointed at a graph.

Image: Pixabay/PhotoMIX-Company

Crash test dummies to become non-gender specific

Following a report that women are almost twice as likely to be trapped in crashed vehicle, safety experts dismissed questions about the ratio of crashed vehicles that were driven by women compared to men, instead blaming the issue on the fact that the safety testing dummies are all male.

When asked why female dummies hadn't been used, it apparently transpires to have been due to a poliical decision made by John Prescott, who as Transport Minister, called a halt to the use of female dummies on the basis that they too expensive to replace when they kept crashing the cars they drove.

Plans are afoot to use non-gender specific dummies from now on, however this has raised objections from androgynous groups on the basis that it might be used to suggest they didn't ought to be allowed on the road. We approached the trans MP for Bridgend for a comment, but they declined.

Radio Hams of Spike Island in Widnes broadcast "Russian warship to go F@ck yourself"

Enthused by the solidarity of the rest of the world in supporting Ukraine in the Eurovision Song Contest, the residents of Spike Island with access to radio transmitting devices are saying they feel proud to have taken part in telling Russian warships within the range of their transmitters what they think of the situation in Ukraine.

Those restoring the Sankey Canal applaud the radio hams' courageous actions and claim that it seems to be having the desired effect since not a single Russian warship has hampered their restoration efforts, and admit it probably wasn't worth the trouble of erecting watchtowers from the Mersey estuary all the way to the double lock at St Helens, now that they've realised how powerful modern technology can be.

Boris Johnson has however, praised the money received by Widnes council from the levelling up fund on the watchtowers, because even after the Ukraine conflict is over, they will help prevent refugees from arriving in Britain to help the failing economy recover.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/karlrots-15705074/