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NCP Enters Administration After Parking in Its Own Car Park



NCP Enters Administration After Accidentally Parking in Its Own Car Park


Car park operator NCP has gone into administration this week after a travelling staff member accidentally parked in one of the company's sites in Central Manchester.


"I was travelling up north to attend a meeting about customer pricing strategies", said Matt Jones, the now out-of-work Analyst.


"I usually park in Tesco and use my meal deal receipt to validate my parking before I leave, but a wrong turn sent me up the one way ramp and through the barrier", he added.


The company's VW Polo, which is still stranded at the site, has now amassed fees roughly equivalent to the GDP of the Netherlands.


"Apparently Matt's still in the car", said the company's Chief Financial Officer, Mike Simms. "Once the fee exceeded his annual salary, we decided he should just wait it out and start a Go Fund Me page".


Plans are now underway to seal the car park in concrete and sell the land to local developers.


"Yes, we'll let Matt out first, obviously insisted Simms. "Provided he pays the location surcharge and out of hours barrier fee"


Author: Benjani



Gen Z “more than capable of being offended by small, furry animals”


The row over the redesign of Britain’s banknotes entered a new phase today when it emerged it may all have been for nothing.


“We know from experience that some people manage to be offended by just about any historical figure,” said a spokesman for the Royal Mint today. “Even if their opinions were completely normal for the era they lived in. But I guess TikTok doesn’t go into that much detail.


”So we thought we’d circumvent all that by having sweet little animals on the banknotes instead. Who could possibly be offended by them?”


Quite a lot of people, as it turns out. First to “speak her truth” was GenZJenny, who tweeted that the mating habits of the common stoat, which features on the new £10 note, fall far short of the requirements for verbal consent to be obtained at every stage of intimacy, as distributed to all university freshers since 2015.


Others accused the Royal Mint of “privileging Anglocentrism” by featuring only animals native to Britain, saying it was “practically the Amritsar massacre all over again. Educate yourself. I’m literally shaking.”


The spokesman said they’d learned their lesson, and would in future not bother pandering to professional offence takers since it clearly makes no difference.


”And after all, if they’re in their teens or early 20s now, it’s not like they’ll ever have any money anyway.”



AI is sh!t, says report


A report into AI has suggested that Large Language Models, or LLMs, which underpin AI are sh!t.


'First, they just suck up information from any old place - the internet, Twitter and, God forbid, satire websites.  There's no quality control, no attempt at making sense, no rhyme or reason.  And that's just the satire sites,' said an expert today.


'We analysed hundreds of LLMs, pitched literally millions of questions, analysed and compared their answers and then produced this report,' he said, holding up a two thousand page document.  'Well, AI did all that, produced the report and concluded AI is sh!t.  And we believe it, who wouldn't?' he asked.




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