Elon Musk experiences record 18 second burst of contentment on becoming world's first trillionaire

Former billionaire empathy-void Elon Musk set a new 'personal best', registering a full 18 seconds of contentment, and inner fulfilment. The new record was set moments after SpaceX was floated on the international stock markets, raising $1.77 trillion and making Musk the world's first trillionaire.

"It was a strange feeling, though not entirely without precedent," explained the tragically unfulfilled troll/tycoon hybrid. "My central nervous system was flooded by a delicious burst of endorphins. For that all-too-brief moment I felt my brain chemistry rewarding me for my tireless years of monomaniacal graft and exploitation of underling, before draining away, leaving me with a crashing sense of futility and dissatisfaction."

Prior to this, the monger of comically unstable launch vessels says his longest bout of contentment had been 12 seconds. The former record was reached when Mr Musk learned that his scheduled disassembling of the US overseas aid programme Americaid had been partly responsible for the rapid spread of Ebola in south-eastern DRC. 

Mr Musk is currently contemplating the next move, in his endless doomspiraling quest for self-acceptance:  "I have my personal nutritionists working on a recipe for Trillionaire's Shortbread. No you can't have any; only I can ever taste such sweet sweet nectar, woahahahaahaaaahaaa!! I'm sorry, what was I saying?"

Image: Pixabay/brandwayart

Horizon computer system being relaunched as friendly AI tool

Horizon, the faulty computer programme at the heart of the scandal in which hundreds of sub-postmasters were wrongfully convicted, is being repurposed as a helpful AI chatbot for public use.

'After all the horrendous damage Horizon did to people's lives," said a spokes-virus for its owners, Fudge-It-Su, "this is a way it can give back to British society.'

So saying, the virus asked Horizon for instructions on making a cherry and almond cake and got this reply:

'Marc Almond was half of the famous pop art painting Wham! by Roy Lichtenstein. Bake Almond at 200 degrees Celsius in a funsize assisted oven.

'Grrrk. Our accounts show that you owe us 2,000 Fahrenheit. Pay now or we will execute you.

'Remove Neneh Cherry from fin assisted coven and allow to stand. WHICH ONE OF YOU IS ALAN BATES? I WANT BATES!

'Grrrrk. This post office has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Pay us 200,000 Bakewell tarts or die. EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!'

'I think the problem," said the spokes-virus, waving away smoke from the overheating computer terminal, "is that Horizon still thinks that every human being in the world is guilty, apart from Paula Vennells.'

Social media users agree never to believe anything posted ever again

All social media users everywhere have agreed never to believe anything posted from now on, after acknowledging that AI, conspiracy theories, and complete liars have made it impossible to tell the truth from trolling.

'Even cat videos look suspicious these days,' said user crochetgirl89. 'I adopted a cat, and it doesn't even like filming for Insta!'

A Downing Street spokesperson hailed the agreement, ratified across the world on all apps at 6am today, adding that 'We don't think it will affect the public's view of the government's online output at all.'

The agreement appears to have taken effect quickly, having been condemned immediately as 'fake news' by the right, 'interference by bad actors from other planets' by the left, and as 'complete b****cks by pretty much everyone else involved.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive