Bankers welcome budget help with cost of skiing crisis

Bankers, oil executives, buy-to-let landlords and other heroes of Britain's world-beating economic miracle have welcomed the government's help with their personal finances in the back-of-an-envelope budget announced yesterday.

The Confederation of British Bankers - the C B Bs - said that "with many of our members suffering from rising costs in the private aviation and Vernier chalet valet industries, we welcome the scrapping of the top rate of tax. And any leftover wedge will buy that many more highly rentable hovels in Levellingupland now that stamp duty is cut too."

"The only quibble we have with the Chancellor is why he wasted any time cutting the tax rate for the plebs. Apparently people on the average wage will be £400 better off - I mean what's the point of that? It barely buys you a cocktail at Madame Gigi's Apres-Ski 'Sports' Massage Salon. Better to keep the dosh and use it to fund oil company profits, sorry, tackle the energy crisis."

When our reporter pointed out that, with the loss of the 45% tax rate in the UK, CBB members could be classed as plebs too now, Ms Jones merely lit a £50 note and waved it in his face, saying "I don't f*cking think so."

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image:Pixabay/kinkate

Why earthquakes caused by fracking are a Brexit bonus

People are naturally concerned about earthquakes, possibly due to negative press and movies depicting them as being dangerous and destructive, however the Department of Business has concluded that earthquakes are just poorly understood.

The UK currently doesn't enjoy many earthquakes, but thanks to Brexit and fracking, Blackpool, Merseyside, Cheshire and north Wales are in line for a bonus. First, fracking doesn't increase the likelihood and severity of earthquakes - it guarantees it. Now these previously earthquake deficient localities can experience earthquakes first-hand. Sorry London and anywhere else with properties that have value - this isn't for you.

Earthquakes aren't all doom and gloom - go to any recent earthquake area and soak in the urban renewal it generates - out with the old housing stock, in with the new energy efficient stock, sealing the localities net zero credentials. Plus, think of all the disaster funding that earthquakes attract - billions of dollars that accumulate faster than the Richter scale. Those DEC funding adverts sucking the odd tenner out of you will now be redistributing not only UK donations but worldwide donations back to the UK, and we at the department have arranged for disaster funds to be managed exclusively by Somerset Capital Investment to look after the billions that will inevitably flow offshore to the UK investment industry.

And remember - none of this would be possible pre-Brexit. Those interfering Europeans would have insisted on fracking going to competitive tender to all European fracking companies, not just to chums. Who doesn't want chums fracking the foundations out of their mortgaged-to-the-hilt property, eh?

www.newsbiscuit.com

Image: Pixabay/jwigley

Numbers want their hashtag back

Numbers are divided. Some of them want their hash symbol (#) back, some are against the idea. Speaking for 7, 8, 9, the number 10 said, 'Since # was promoted to online hashtag status, we've been feeling a bit lonely.' 10 quickly added, 'Although not as lonely as number 1, of course.'

Number 3 isn't convinced. 'I'm not really sure that # really helped us in any way. Everyone sort of knew we were numbers, and putting # in front of us seemed somewhat superfluous. And people with bad handwriting sometimes made it look like I was 43 instead of #3. That sort of confusion can quickly multiply and become a real minus.'

# said, 'Will I ever go back to my old digit colleagues? Nº.'

Newsbiscuit.com

Image: Pixabay/geralt