Get ready to ride on Gordon Bennett Railways!

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders,

We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in:

'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.'

'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.'

And: 'Gordon Bennett, the points have failed at Clapham Junction, and I'm going to be 20 minutes late for work again.'

We could have spent some taxpayers' money sorting out the problems at Crewe and Clapham Junction, but we blew it all on hiring an overpriced branding agency to come up with a new livery design for the locomotives.

They'll now be a lurid mess of red, white, blue and hi-viz yellow - flecked with dead leaves, graffiti and rust - which will have you exclaiming on the platform: 'Gordon Bennett, what a sodding eyesore.'

All aboard! Or, all a-bored! Which you will be, after waiting three hours for a train at Carlisle.

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:

‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).

Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.

We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.

Image credit: Imgsearch.com

Voyager One ‘probably not coming back’, admits NASA

After reaching the milestone of one light-day in distance away from Earth, NASA has reluctantly admitted it thinks its ancient spacecraft might not return.

At a press conference a sullen and emotional Controller, Todd Verniczek, explained: ‘We at the Voyager Program are ready to accept what we previously could not; that V, Voyager One, is probably not… coming back.

‘We’ve been checking the telemetry every two minutes since 2012 when V entered interstellar space for deviations in course, but shoot, nothing. We send occasional touchy-feely kind of messages out there, like: ‘Hey! What’s up, big guy?’, ‘No pressure, Buddy. Just wondering if you wanna grab a beer back here?’ But nothing, nada.

‘We didn’t give V specific instructions to return, we just thought it would have a neat cruise around the solar system, buzz around the emptiness of space for a while, then drift back when low on gas. It would be full of stories, showing photos, we were going to make a night of it.

‘It makes me wanna puke when I see Musk and Bezos whoop-di-wooing because their la-di-da spacecrafts return to the same spot from where they were launched. Jeez, talk about rubbing salt in the wound.

‘We used to tie yellow ribbons around the platform after every launch, that was exhausting, but we always had hope. Now we’ve reached the point where V is one light day away, so we reluctantly baked a cake and sang ‘24 light-hours from Tulsa’. That was the hardest…

‘They say, ‘If you love them set them free,’ and they come back. We did, and V hasn’t. What a dumbass phrase. Our last message was, ‘There’s a seat at the dinner table waiting for you V. It’s no biggie, we just thought… you know… come home.’’

When asked by a journalist, “Isn’t Voyager Two on a similar trajectory?’. Verniczek replied, ‘Wait… what?’

Image: PIRO4D - Pixabay

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