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UK border delays as visitors complete essays

Heathrow Airport yesterday declared a major incident at the UK Border following the Home Office confirming that migrants would require A-Level standards of English. At hastily installed booths for a pilot study, visitors were being given two hours to answer questions on Othello to receive a stamp in their passport and be granted entry to the country. Despite being their native tongue, one holidaymaker from the United States was struggling with the text and questions. 'How doe

James_doc

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Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

People should plan for potential cyber-attacks by going back to pen and paper, according to the latest advice. The government has written to chief executives across the country strongly recommending that they should have physical copies of their plans at the ready as a precaution. In associated developments the government has reached out to the ursine community pointing out that visitors to the woods should ensure they take sufficient toilet paper to address the likely output

Robowurzel

Chancellor astonishes country after saying Brexit has harmed economy

There have been cries of "get away?", "Goodness me, that's a surprise" and "well I never." from commentators up and down the nation after Rachel Reeves has said that Brexit has harmed the economy. One economist tried to explain. "It turns out there's a link between losing £500M a week and the economy going down the crapper. Who'd have thought it?" In unrelated news, it has been announced that the British people are the most sarcastic in Europe.

apepper

Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween

Nigel Farage today called for the banning of all vampire and Dracula based imagery and costumes due to the characters Romanian roots. 'We have perfectly fine Great British ghosts, ghouls and witches,' he told journalists, 'why should we be celebrating a foreign character with a history of easily evading customs as a bat as well as creating significant numbers of further vampires demanding British blood.' Mr Farage also went on to forge links with the Romanian Traveler communi

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Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 17th October

The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing...

Mary Magdalene: "Shit, He's buggered off!"

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "As basement flats go I've seen worse - it does have natural daylight." (SirLupus); "Another successful...

"So, From This Exact Location we Should now be Able to Book an Online GP Appointment."

Winner: DeskPilot Runners-Up: "And this is me after the whale spat me out." (DickEveryman); "Coastguard advice is to avoid looking like...

Breaking News

Footwear reality show to get reboot

UK elastic band company stretched to snapping point

Judge late for court case blames missed carriage of justice

Historians claim the birdman of Alcatraz wasn't trans after all

Cease-fire may include a certain period of resume-fire, says Trump

Hamas promise to try and be less murdery

Disappointment and frustration for Starmer as sausages still not released

Trump deports Habeas Corpus

Features

Newsbiscuit - Best of October 2024

October 2024 After all that stuff about a fiscal black hole, and the winter fuel payment thing, there was considerable anxiety about the Budget. Sound familiar? Rachel Reeves delivered her budget on October 30 th and whacked businesses with big rises in National Insurance and minimum wage costs. Still, at least she didn’t break any manifesto commitments. Kind of. The Conservatives continued to grind through a leadership election process, hampered by the complete lack of any

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Cartoons

Hamas experiencing difficulties retrieving bodies of remaining hostages

After The Traitors Celia Imrie 'incident', ITV launches a new show

Waymo to launch driverless taxis in London next year

Stop whining, you great jessie. At least TIME didn't publish this cover

From the Archive

Software development no longer ‘Britain’s Sexiest Profession’

For years, Britain’s software developers have had to exhaust themselves at weekends satisfying the wildest sexual demands of the crowds...

Camilla to be crowned with a golden novelty drinking helmet

Her Royal Shakiness, The Queen Consort, has been told not to wear that big blingy crown with the massive diamond in the middle of it for...

Rare unsigned copy of draft Brexit Deal to be auctioned off

The Trade Agreement Collector's world is reeling from the news that a rare copy of a draft of a Brexit deal which hadn't been signed by...

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Politics

Chancellor astonishes country after saying Brexit has harmed economy

Donald Trump – the new Emperor King

Many countries have figured out that Donald Trump loves to be flattered, and that it puts him in a good mood. Less likely to impose tariffs, slag you off, invade, or send JD Vance to visit. That sort of thing. And many countries are also keen to avoid devaluing their honours systems by polluting them with The Donald. So they are making up honours to award to the US President. They know he doesn’t care about this, as long as there is an Instagrammable awards ceremony with

UK border delays as visitors complete essays

Reform UK demand vampire ban to ensure British Halloween

Science
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Lifestyle

Cyber attack contingency plans should be put on paper.

Dinosaur footprints lead to discovery of giant quarry

A giant quarry possibly as much as 30 years old has been discovered in Oxfordshire on the site of some dinosaur footprints. The quarry has been left intact and seems to have been used by trucks, diggers and tippers to remove limestone. "Once we level the dinosaur footprints we'll have a clearer view of just what we have found," said Emma Nichols from Oxford University's Museum of Natural Quarries. "It's certainly the biggest find of its kind in Europe." Story by: rogt Phot

Reform top policy to change airport signage to 'Deportures'

Becoming bored with flags, or flagging, Reform UK is pivoting to signs.

Exasperated Corinthians receive yet another letter from St Paul

News from Corinthia today as adminstrators for the region check the post and discover yet another missive from St Paul. "Oh my God, it's...

Local News

Channel 4 launch new 'Naked Hotel Shower Controls' gameshow

Channel 4 has announced a new gameshow where members of the public choose a shower cubicle that contains a shower unit modelled on one of the thousands of shower variants used in British hotels, disrobes, enters the cubicle and works out how to start the shower and set the temperature while being filmed by upwards of twenty cameras. 'British hotel shower controls are notoriously difficult to operate and extremely variable in terms of the way they work - is it a push, pull or