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Nigel Farage is the new 'Secret' Traitor

The BBC's hit show The Traitors is to cast Nigel Farage as the new Secret Traitor in the upcoming series. A BBC spokesperson said 'The BBC unreservedly apologises for... oh... sorry... force of habit. I mean we at the BBC are pleased to announce that we have added Future Fuhrer Farage to ratings smash The Traitors. Not only is Farage a natural Traitor, it also means we can meet our principles of political balance by having Nigel Farage on every single programme.' Farage wa

stewartbarclay

Rated Top 10 in the world of satire

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The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

January, the month of misery, when gyms sell 99.95%* of their subscriptions and otherwise literate people pronounce ‘January’ as ‘Veganuary’. Like that’s a word. The Vegetarian Police have announced a crackdown on ‘backsliding’. ‘Several offences were reported to our Hotline over the festive season’, a spokesveggie told us. ‘Some minor infractions – not checking which fat the chips were cooked in – some pretty serious stuff – claiming fish ‘don’t count’ – and a number of crit

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Honours system to be streamlined

The government has announced that it will act decisively and take difficult decisions to revamp the honours system. A decorated spokesman (CBE, services to diplomacy, British Consulate in Barbados) said: 'There is a clear case to simplify the honours system. Anyone who wins Sports Personality of the Year will automatically get a gong. If they have vanquished the Germans or the French, then they are likely to be made a Knight or a Dame as well. Obviously, that would have to be

deskpilot

Badgers to vote Reform (because they hate foxes)

A recent poll has shown that badgers are increasingly likely to vote for Nigel Farage after the privileged twit (Check spelling, Ed) declared his love of fox-hunting

Newsbiscuit Editorial Team

Caption Competition

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Caption Competition: Friday 2nd January

For Christmas, you get two weeks to caption this slightly disturbing picture of Santa and some unhappy children. The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday 2nd January, or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been inf

"I Remember When all This Used to be Fjords"

Winner: Sinnick Runners-Up: "Of all the places to run in to your ex." (MrQ); "Going with the floe." (Midfield Diamond).

Bruce, Shane and Kylie Enjoyed Reminiscing About the Times When They Were Allowed on Social Media.

Winner: Deskpilot Runners-Up: "The apeman proded cautiously at the mysterious oblong monolith, then, with sudden profound sense of his own destiny, attempted to take a selfie." (AdrianBamforth); "They all thought paying Farage to do his hilarious Naked Kermit impression was £19 well.spent." (TonyMc)

Breaking News

ICE agents deport Maduro back to Venezuela

Maduro relieved not to get the Bin Laden treatment

Blindfolded Maduro still hoping it's going to be a really big birthday cake

Trump goes Caracas

Keir Starmer bans sparklers

“She said she was 18” replies Trump when asked about possible hearing loss

Hungry racist torn between Indian or Chinese takeaway

Days to get longer. Minutes to stay the same

Features

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

Aries Phew! You really put a lot of effort in to enjoying Christmas. Expect your family to stage an intervention over your 'erratic' behaviour in the coming months. It's not all about you, you pig. Taurus You are a thoughtful, inquisitive and spiritual person. You are brave, courageous and action oriented. Not only that, but you are also forward-looking, forward-thinking and interested in what the future holds for you. You should trust your intuition and loosen your purse str

Lockjaw

Cartoons

Spot the difference

Page 95 of Presidential manual

Money is the most versatile thing ever invented

Trump in the running for Nob'Ed prize for War

From the Archive

Winston Churchill to go on tour to give Britain 'our best booster yet' says Johnson

It has been announced that by using the same hologram technology, where Elvis was able to appear ‘live’ on stage despite him being dead...

Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries

New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors. 2,700 people sought...

MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax

In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped,...

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Politics

Badgers to vote Reform (because they hate foxes)

A recent poll has shown that badgers are increasingly likely to vote for Nigel Farage after the privileged twit (Check spelling, Ed) declared his love of fox-hunting

Trump tantrum as Kiribati celebrates New Year first

'Everyone knows it's America first! We must deport 2025. Where are the Keanu Reeves Islands anyway?' read a White House statement - after it had been moved out of all caps. 'Tonga? Samoa? Blow them all up and order the extra judicial killing of any survivors left clinging to any boats. New Zealand is where Hobbits live, it isn't a real country! You can't fool The Donald, who will celebrate winning New Year in Washington DC, 3 hours before the loser Governor of California Gavi

The Vegetarian Police vow to ‘get serious’ in January

Hangover cures, 2026 update

Happy New Year. What?? It's the 3rd? Blimey, that was a session. Don't worry, 2026 can't be as bad as 2025. Can it? Here is our (belated) list of hangover cures, some traditional and some new... 1. A very large Bloody Mary. Aka just keep drinking. Good luck with that. You will eventually have to face up to reality by, say, next Tuesday. 2. Why not re-read the Labour Party manifesto? That should sober you up pretty quickly. The autumn budget statement also works, as does the

Science
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Lifestyle

AI will explain those Moon landings

'Future-history AI' predicts that omniscient AI historians of the future will, after deep and rigorous research, conclude that, in the decades around the turn of the millennium, the United State was been governed by a succession of increasingly capricious, delusional narcissists and that there was no way such a country could have developed the technology needed for a mission like landing on the Moon - especially in view of the United States' cancellation the funding of any an

Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

AI writed this headline: The future is now

It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever. Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oop