January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

Aries

Phew! You really put a lot of effort in to enjoying Christmas. Expect your family to stage an intervention over your 'erratic' behaviour in the coming months. It's not all about you, you pig.

Taurus

You are a thoughtful, inquisitive and spiritual person. You are brave, courageous and action oriented. Not only that, but you are also forward-looking, forward-thinking and interested in what the future holds for you. You should trust your intuition and loosen your purse strings to do more of what you want to do. This will be a sound investment in your future.

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Gemini

Romance is in the air, but tread carefully - the blonde from number 11 already thinks you are a bit odd, so don't push your luck. Remember - a Restraining Order is no substitute for true love.

Cancer

You will be described as resembling a Greek god this month. Unfortunately, they will be referring to Hephaestus who possessed physical traits that diverge sharply from the traditional depictions of divine beauty. He had an ugly face, scraggly beard, massive hands, and a limp. Still, he was a craftsman and had inner strength. We can't all be Brad Pitt. And, from what I hear, he probably smelled better than Brad Pitt.

Leo

The most exciting moment for you this month will be when you are involved in 'an unexpected item in the bagging area' incident. That's what you get when you buy items from the middle aisle in LIDL, you crazy MOFO!

Virgo

The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got on the duvet.

Libra

Start 2026 in a no nonsense frame of mind. Don't waste your money signing up for gym classes, spend it on cakes instead.

Scorpio

You find out you have inherited a small fortune from an estranged uncle, but you have to spend it in 30 days to inherit the bulk of his esta ... No, hang on, that's "Brewster's Millions", I must be picking up interference from the Classic Film Channel, there are some crazy atmospherics today. Still, it is slightly more plausible than the tosh I sometimes come up with. Perhaps I need to invest in a new copy of Halliwell.

Sagittarius

You are going to have a bobby dazzler of a year ... in 2027. As for 2026: meh.

Capricorn

No matter where you do and what you do, Dorking will always have happened. Make your peace. Seek acceptance or double down, I don't care which.

Aquarius

The Celestials have taken umbrage at you for some reason, and your reading is shrouded in mist. Whatever is going to happen, it will not be good, so expect smitings, plagues and attacks by mythical creatures: the Celestials are definitely Old School in this respect.

Pisces

So, you had a great Christmas party and then a wonderful break with the family. Marvellous. However, your boss will want a word with you about that young lady you got off with. It turns out, she's his niece who's doing GCSEs this year. Oops. Happy New Year!

Authors

Lockjaw: Aries, Cancer, Leo, Sagittarius

Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra

Flasharry: Gemini, Scorpio, Aquarius

Simonjjames: Virgo, Capricorn

Sinnick: Pisces

Ahoy! deskpilot, FlashArry, simonjjames, Sinnick