If Suella Braverman breaks the law in Diego Garcia but no one notices, has a law really been broken?

You know Diego Garcia, right? He was in that Spanish film with Jorge Cloonio and Bradundo Pitto. No he wasn't, he's a little-known weird British island used as a secret naval base in the Indian Ocean, missing its entire middle bit and any sense of morality.

94 Tamil people seeking asylum but stranded in limbo have been held in terrible conditions, tortured, sexually abused and left to rot in suicidal states because that's what British values are now. That is, of course until Suella Braverman finally got her wet 'dream' and finally managed to illegally mistreat 'illegals' away to Rwanda.

Just when she thought she was quietly getting away with it by taking a load of presser chums on a jolly to Kigali, she cleverly blew her own cover and someone noticed that she was doing to international law what David Cameron did to a pig.

Oh well, Suehella, better luck next time with being Britain's worst mastermind criminal since Priti Patel. Maybe someone even more disgraceful than you will put you in charge of English justice again?

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Canada denies increase in population linked to Trudeau blacking up

The population of Canada has increased by over a million in just a year, with many of the new arrivals looking suspiciously like Justin Trudeau on a night out. A government source said many of the new arrivals are from war-torn locations such as Ukraine or Syria, and from countries in chaos such as Iraq, Afghanistan or the United Kingdom post Brexit. 'Mainly the Brexit effect,' suggested a spokesman, 'Brits looking for a country that speaks English, pretends to like the French and isn't likely to engage in national self-harm'.

Asked if the influx is likely to change the national character the spokesman said, 'no, we're still as boring as shit. That's why we still think it's funny to cover our faces in boot polish'.

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Manhunt launched after used batteries found in wheelie bin

Police in three counties have issued arrest warrants for Gavin Stephens of Penge after 2 AA batteries were discovered in a wheelie bin by the local refuse collection operatives in Cavendish Road at around 7:40 am on Friday.

Stephens, 35, who has a previous conviction for speeding, is believed to be on the run. Police have warned the public not to approach him, not because he is dangerous, but because he is a loud mouthed know-it-all who claims exploding batteries are nothing but a myth, and will bore the trousers off anyone who'll listen.

The recovered batteries are currently in the hands of forensic scientists who have confirmed that the batteries are AA in size and are beginning to leak that acid stuff, which could be dangerous, and, even if not, it's probably best not to lick it.

Police have erected a tent outside a house in Penge, and removed several items including a TV remote with no batteries but traces of corrosion inside.

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