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‘The first one was in the 80s’, B told us. ‘She really convinced me she had my best interests at heart and if I just sold some assets I’d be better off. I really regret that now. I’d love to go for a wild swim like I used to, but the turds put me off.


‘The next really bad one was much later. Persuaded me to leave a long-term relationship. Apparently the other party was bad for me. I can see them now, but only for short spells and I can’t live with them like I used to. I really miss the food.


‘More recently the same guy’s been coming round telling me to self harm. At least he seems to have money these days, though I don’t know where it comes from – he’s never at work. He wants me to sign away my rights, which seems wrong, doesn’t it? Also – and he doesn’t seem to understand this – my ancestry is fairly mixed and he’s always singing Hitler Youth songs when he thinks we can’t hear. But on the plus side, he’s promised to stop the boats’.




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A woman who has been on deaf row for 60% of her life was due to be executed on Wednesday unless a clemency hearing aids her chance of a reprieve or the drugs were found to be past their sell-by date.


Newsbiscuit understands from our USAI reporter that the Grauniad had a contract with the Tennessee Department of Corrections, which would end if the woman tasked with making the corrections is executed.


Luckily for the pupula nudespaper it doesn't appere to be in much risk at the moment.




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Burn'em


I'm Prime Minister and I'm OK

I sleep all night, and I shirk all day



Cabinet Choir


He's the Prime Minister and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he shirks all day



Burn'em


I cut down policies, I eat my lunch

Go on the metro bus

On Fridays I go t'Manchester

And buy buttered scones for us



Cabinet Choir


He cuts down policies, he eats his lunch

He goes on the metro bus

On Fridays he goes t'Manchester

And buys buttered scones for us



He's Prime Minister and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he shirks all day



Burn'em


I cut down policies, I twist and turn

I like to play guitars

I put on Tory clothing

And hang 'round in wine bars



Cabinet Choir


He cuts down policies, he twists and turns

He likes to play guitars

He puts on Tory clothing

And hangs 'round in . . . wine bars?



He's Prime Minister and he's OK

He sleeps all night and he shirks all day



Burn'em


I drive a Rolls, I wear a suit

Drink Chablis and smoke cigar

I wish I were a Tory

Just like my dear papa



Cabinet Choir


He drives a Rolls,  . . . He wears a suit

Drinks Chablis . . .  and smokes . . . . a cigar . . . . 



(The choir mumbles angrily, and demand a new leader.)




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