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New look Match of the Day sees Shearer go on about Newcastle

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The re-launch of BBC’s flagship football show featured, just for a change, Alan Shearer rambling on and on and on about Newcastle.


Despite being the last game on due to it being a drab 0-0, Alan Shearer presented a lengthy analysis of Newcastle’s apparently majestic performance despite their centre-forward crisis. Their equally unimpressive opponents Aston Villa barely warranted a mention.


On the other hand, Sunderland’s comprehensive win was entirely down to West Ham being, technically speaking, no good.


There was hope amongst football fans everywhere that, following Gary Lineker’s enforced resignation, the programme would be less dull. Those hopes were not exactly raised when it was announced that the so-called Rooney Rule would be applied.


In American Football, the Rooney Rule means equal opportunities for ethnic minorities. In the case of Match of the Day however, it means equal opportunities for thick scousers who have terrible records as lower league managers. But Alan Shearer somehow succeeded in making Wayne Rooney sound insightful and interesting.


If the first programme of the new season is indicative of the standard to be expected every week, we can all look forward to the same old Match of the Day that we are so familiar with.




500 arrests after protest in support of Manchester City Fan Action, report police

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Five hundred people have been arrested in London after police said they were responding to a protest in support of the banned group Manchester City Fan Action. Pictures from the Westminster demonstration showed a group holding placards reading "I oppose offside, I support Manchester City Fan Action".


As of Saturday, the group is proscribed under the Terrorism Act 2000, after lawyers acting on its behalf failed with a court bid to block the ban. The designation means being a member of, or showing support for Manchester City Fan Action, is a criminal offence and could lead to up to 14 years in prison.


The government moved to ban Manchester City Fan Action after an estimated £7k of damage was caused to seats at an away match last month. Lex Morrells KC, barrister for Manchester City Fan Action's co-founder Arfur Brain, told the High Court court banning the group would be "ill-considered" and an "authoritarian abuse" of power.


Defending the organisation's proscription, the home secretary stressed it was "not a non-violent organisation". She said tens of thousands protested lawfully about the "horrendous playing" in football matches without involving Manchester City Fan Action. She said that some supporters of Manchester City "don't know the full nature" of the group.




The Conservative Comptroller of Avarice speaks out


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"People are calling us 'the Nasty Party' : we're not nasty, we are just disorganised"


We are in conversation with the recently appointed Comptroller of Avarice, Charles Harding, MP for 'somewhere dreadful beginning with an H, or is it a P ?'. Mr. Harding's role, unique to this government, holds the brief of bringing some sense of direction to the current Government's plethora of inhumane policies and diabolical schemes.


"The issue here is that we have too many directives running simultaneously that are interfering with each other, and even cancelling each other out. In our rush to get 'snouts in the trough' - an apt analogy ! - we are queering someone else's pitch and reducing the likelihood of the best return possible, whilst running the risk of upsetting the whole shebang : as Tories, we should be skimming off the cream - and potentially drinking most of the milk - not attempting to slit the poor cow's throat. It's all so very counterproductive and confusing"


"Take 'Stop The Boats'. Turning them back at sea ? Where is the profit in that ? A charge on lifeboats ? Apparently not. Yet-to-be built detention centres, marked-up hotel accommodation, expensively chartered flights and the return of prison hulks ? All schemes competing for the same pot, none reaching their full potential, all at odds with each other. Whilst admiring the enterprise we have to admit that a degree of coordination is required on what has become a rather messy free-for-all"


"Having realised the enormity of this issue, I took the idea to the Rishter, and he agreed that some sort of overseeing authority was needed. Staring me straight in the tie-pin, he then asked if I was man enough for the job - and here I am"


Brushing a non-existent fleck from the immaculate lapel of suit, the Comptroller continues.


"Of course, there is one huge flaw in this role : no self-respecting Tory MP worth his - or her - expense account is ever going to have any truck with a regulatory body, let alone seek their advice, so my workload is not what you would call heavy"


At this point the Comptroller rocks back in his chair, places both hands behind his head and sighs happily.


"So here I sit in my sumptuous office doing nothing, drawing an obscene salary and ogling Marta's impressive décolletage between visits to the House restaurants where I dine on the finest, most heavily subsidised European cuisine in the country"


A wide reptilian grin starts to spread across the Comptroller's face, but a sudden thought replaces it with a frown.


"Until, of course, some interfering, jumped up Mainwaring-esque Little Englander berk knocks it all too cock and demands that the catering staff are deported and be replaced with some ghastly proper English food cafeteria affair"


The Comptroller grimaces, then sighs again, this time laden with exasperation.


"See what I am up against ?"




First published 19 Aug 2023



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