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The Tory guide to saving water




1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools


2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.


3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.


4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.


5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.


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First published 18 Aug 2022


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Migrants: Search for demeaning lodgings continues



Home Office Ministers have tasked their civil servants with finding suitable accommodation for the thousands of migrants arriving in small boats. In the case, suitable means depressing, demeaning and humiliating – while remaining, of course, legal. The logic is that migrants must have accommodation that is worse than that enjoyed by most voters. The accommodation must convince the electorate that every expense is being spared.


Accommodation on the floating barge, the Bibby Stockholm, does meet the current requirements, but it only has limited capacity. Discussions with P&O about hiring more ships have foundered as the government felt the company was paying its staff too much. So the search for alternative living quarters is underway.


Home Office staff have pitched a range of unpleasant options back to Ministers. These include a camping site in Grimsby that is downwind of a fish processing factory. The site has the required zero to one star TripAdvisor review and the facilities are described as ‘stubbornly adequate’. The main attraction for the politicians is the pong of fish, which is persistent and pervasive, and might encourage the migrants to return home.


Another option is for migrants to sleep on underused trains between 10pm and 6am. Hostel trains would trundle slowly back and forth between stations on the fringes of the rail network, such as the line between Hull and Scarborough. This proposal means that, as the migrants are always on the move, they will never achieve settled status and would certainly not get a settled night’s sleep. Ministers remain concerned that the tabloids will say that migrants are being funded to go on trips to the seaside.


A third option under consideration is to house migrants in a disused coal mine. ‘Out of sight, not out of mine,’ joked one official, who asked to be named. Residents would be allowed up to ground level once a fortnight, to send and receive texts and use a proper toilet. Staff are investigating if there is a human right to be able to see the sky.


Ministers have defended their proposals, saying that they have rejected the most extreme options. A campsite by the runway at Heathrow was ruled out as a risk to travellers. Accommodation at a nuclear waste dump was thought to have implications for national security, although it was nice and warm. And lodging migrants in portaloos on the central reservation of the A1(M) was found to be too expensive. You’d be surprised how much it costs to rent a portaloo.



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First published 17 Aug 2023


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Government to cap train fares and golf club memberships




The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.


'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'


Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".


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First published 16 Aug 2022


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