Comedy | NewsBiscuit

Hangover cures, 2026 update

deskpilot
10 minutes ago

Happy New Year. What?? It's the 3rd? Blimey, that was a session.

Don't worry, 2026 can't be as bad as 2025. Can it?

Here is our (belated) list of hangover cures, some traditional and some new...

1. A very large Bloody Mary. Aka just keep drinking. Good luck with that. You will eventually have to face up to reality by, say, next Tuesday.

2. Why not re-read the Labour Party manifesto? That should sober you up pretty quickly. The autumn budget statement also works, as does the Bank of England inflation report, and the Reform Party manifesto.

3. Alka-seltzer. If you think drinking more fizzy stuff is a good idea.

4. Drink bottled water. Not the Perrier stuff with benzene in it, or the Waitrose stuff with glass in it. Or old bottles full of micro plastics. What the hell? Try tap water. What could possibly go wrong.

5. Catch up on Trump's latest mad shit. Five minutes worth should be enough.

6. Eat a full English breakfast. The protein is restorative. The carbs will give you energy. The grease is the kill or cure ingredient. Take precautions before you tuck in.

If none of this works, stay drunk until 2027 when we'll issue an update.

www.newsbiscuit.com

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MoD to be funded by new Firework Tax

FlashArry
21 hours ago

In some "out of the box but away from a naked light" thinking, the traditional model of funding the Ministry of Defence is to be dropped, and replaced with a 10% levy on all fireworks sold.

"It's a given that the Great British Public enjoys an impromptu firework display" said a Government Spokes-sparkler, "so we are linking this love of bangs and explosions to directly fund the defence of this great country"

Senior MoD officials were initially dismissive of the proposal as a joke, but an impromptu study carried out on New Year's Eve 2021 showed that the near continuous 4 hour barrage in the Portsmouth area would have generated enough income for a new aircraft carrier, four regiments of tanks and the down-payment on a Death Star.

Additional "firework" celebration days are now being proposed by the MoD, with Good Friday being followed by Whizz-Bang Saturday, Shrove Tuesday paired with Rocket Wednesday, and all remaining Bank Holidays designated no low-flying days to maximise the explosive fun.

Image: PublicDomainPictures/Pixabay