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Coca-Cola corp fires all its executives

Avi Menschenheimer, CEO of the Coca-Cola corp, has made a unilateral decision to fire all the executives who work there.


“I just woke up one day and had a really obvious realisation,” he told reporters. “I mean, we make literally one product which has never changed in the slightest, apart from a blip in the 80s where we tweaked the recipe and instantly tweaked it back. It’s already sold everywhere in the world. Even in places where you can’t get water.


“Obviously we need some blue collar guys to run the factory where it’s made, ship it to distribution centres etc. But somehow the company has, like, ten thousand executives. What the hell do they do all day? Product development? The product never changes. Marketing? Who hasn’t heard of coke?


“So I tentatively suggested to the board that possibly some savings could be made, and they instantly presented me with a plan to bring in even more executives to conduct an “in-depth efficiency study”. And you can bet they’d have found a way to stay on the payroll when the study was over. So I realised the only way was to get rid of the whole lot of them.


“Now my working day consists of the factory foreman calling me up, saying ‘You want us to make some more coke?’ I reply ‘That’d be great, thanks.’ And then I’m pretty much done. Though I keep my phone on in case he calls to say ‘I forgot to ask, you want it in bottles or cans?’”




Captain Pugwash removed from duties for investigation

The Commander of The Black Pig has been removed from his duties while under investigation over allegations of misconduct, the Master Bates has said. The crew has not given any further details on the matter he is being investigated for, saying that it would be inappropriate to comment further at this time.


This statement follows reports he was suspected of having an affair with a more junior colleague Roger the Cabin Boy. Earlier this week, Seaman Stains issued a statement to say that he had "stepped back due to private reasons", and fallen off the plank.


A defence source, Lieutenant Scratchwood Toddington said he would only comment further "if appropriate". Until a new Captain is elected Willy, a simple sailor from Wigan, has taken full command, although many people think a willy has been running the show for a long time.




Daytime TV's links to terrorism exposed

More links between gentle daytime TV and extremist terrorist organisations are coming to light. This follows a Bargain Hunt art expert admitting in court to dealing with a known Hezbollah financier.


It has now emerged that Homes Under The Hammer have been supporting the Houthis in Yemen - almost in plain sight, when you consider the show title's initials.


A Place in the Sun has featured a surprising number of properties in sunny Afghanistan, now that the Taliban are busy safeguarding women's rights - by locking the women and their rights into domestic servitude.


Love It or List It with Kirstie and Phil has been revealed as a propaganda vehicle, paid for by a coterie of shady property tycoons.


Is it a 2 bed fixer upper or a money making front for Al Qaeda? Yes, yes it is.




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