Dulwich woman finds the a*se of Jesus in a packet of Monster Munch

A woman claims she was eating a packet of beef flavoured Monster Munch, when she found one in the shape of Jesus’ a*se.

Penny Fustercluck, an unemployed motivational speaker from Dulwich said, 'I was watching Loose Women and eating some Monster Munch, when I found one in the exact shape of Jesus’ a*se. I couldn’t believe it! It was such a spiritual experience. I know you’re going to say it could have been anyone’s a*se - but I could tell straight away it was the a*se of Jesus. Who else but the Son of God could have sent me such an important sign?'

When asked if she could show us the a*se shaped Monster Munch, she replied, 'Well, no – I ate it, obviously. This is beef flavoured Monster Munch we’re talking about, they’re delicious, I couldn’t just not eat it.'

Ms Fustercluck says the experience has totally changed her outlook on life. 'That a*se shaped Monster Munch sent me a powerful message. And that message was – I should get off my a*se, and stop eating Monster Munch all day.

'In future, my life is going to be totally different, and that starts right now. I’m going to get off my a*se, and go to the shop to buy some Frazzles.'

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UN peacekeepers determine whose turn it is ‘to put out the bins'

A General remarked: ‘We’re here to navigate the difficult path from conflict to peace, and to decide whether it’s this week that the garden waste bin goes out. Marital lines have been crossed, with both homeowners blaming the other for atrocities, such as trying to sneak pizza boxes in with the recycling.

‘We’ve seen examples of war crimes, with bin bags not being tied up and someone leaving week-old prawns uncovered. Neighbours have taken collateral damage, with unattended polystyrene packaging blowing up and down the cul-de-sac. We’ve even had reports of flowerbed border incursions and what looks to be a child’s mattress dumped on a lawn.

‘You’re going to see a lot of blue helmets on the ground – which will probably be filled with old tea bags’.

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Britain's strictest school bans students from wearing vegetables

A 14 year old schoolboy has had his cauliflower footwear taken from him at school because they don't follow the school's strict new uniform guidelines. Colin Rafferty, of class 9Z, was told that his brand new Cruciferous Brassicas, which cost £3 a pair at a local supermarket, did not strictly conform to The Willows Academy Trust's uniform policy, as they were, technically, vegetables.

The “footwear” in question was confiscated and he was given some real shoes from lost property to wear until his family could purchase more suitable attire. TWAT staff met students at the school gates on the first day of term to check that their uniform complied with the school's new, stricter rules before letting them to go to class.

Colin's mother, Carol, 29, was furious: 'Colin arrived at school to be told that cole crops were no longer deemed suitable footwear for school. He was mortified! He wore them all last year and nobody seemed to care! There's nothing in the school's rules about not wearing a cauliflower on each foot. It's a disgrace!'

One of TWAT's Senior Assistant Headteachers, Ms Newbie, has agreed to hand back Colin's own footwear as they were starting to go off, had become infested with caterpillars and were generally, stinking up her office.

She refused to comment on this individual case, but issued a press release stating the following:' The Willows Academy Trust uniform policy can be seen clearly on the TWAT website with images showing acceptable footwear. Root vegetables, brassicas and soft fruits are not, and never have been, permitted. Our new uniform policy has been in place since the beginning of September and students wearing incorrect uniform have been sent home to change'.

Ms Newbie refused discuss Ms Rafferty's accusation that another boy had been allowed to wear half a butternut squash on each foot, but admitted that an exception had been made for a student with a pre-existing medical condition, but only during indoor PE.

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Image: Pixabay/Pixaline