Council plans annual black bin collections

West Moorland District Council urgently needs to save money following ill-advised investments in casinos, wind farms, industrial units, a chip shop, and a rail tunnel under Buckinghamshire.

Councillors had debated cutting black bin collections from every two weeks to every three weeks or even every four weeks.  But the savings did not stack up.  To balance the books, the council has voted to empty black bins once a year, on April 1st.

‘We are doing this to boost recycling,’ said the Member for Environment and Planning, Ophelia Payne.  ‘All households can do better at recycling and this will reduce the need for people to send waste to landfill.  We know that nobody can properly separate the cardboard and the plastic from sandwich boxes, but we are asking everyone to try harder.

‘Landfill waste will not smell if householders ensure that food waste is handled correctly.  Vacuum cleaner dust does not fly around if you bag it properly.  And most modern mattresses can be successfully composted at home.

‘If anyone thinks that they can’t manage on an annual collection, then we recommend storing landfill waste in a pit in your garden.  If you manage this correctly, then it will be easy to dig up and put it out for the annual collection – although we must point out that the size of the landfill waste bin will remain at 10 litres.  It’s a small sacrifice, and it’s one that the planet will thank you for.

West Moorland District Council’s council tax charge is expected to rise by 17% for 2026/27.  This is mainly due to losses on investments, interest charges, and councillors’ expenses.

image from pixabay

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Local hero celebrates one millionth rubber band

Colin Oscar Pee, a well-known local character, is celebrating finding his one millionth elastic band on the pavements of his town.

‘I started collecting rubber bands when I was eight,’ said Colin, ‘because I knew that they were dangerous to birds and small mammals, but mainly because I didn’t have any friends. I picked them up on my way to school, on my way to do graffiti behind the pub, and on my trips to do shoplifting.  I never thought that my collection would grow to be of international significance.’

Parish councillor Bernard Dredge says that the rubber band collection has put the town on the map.  But not in a good way.  According to him ‘International significance’ is definitely stretching it.

‘I find rubber bands every day,’ said Colin.  ‘They are usually on the pavement, sometimes in the gutter and sometimes on driveways. They are never in the same place twice, so I have to be on the lookout all the time, to make sure that I don’t miss any.  Some people think it’s unhygienic to pick them up, but I disinfect them in a dustbin before adding them to my collection, so that they don’t smell.’  The collection now fills six rooms in Colin’s parent’s house, a double garage and the shed. ‘I’ve sorted them by size,’ says Colin, animatedly.  'I'm saving up to start a museum, to show them off properly.'

Colin does not know where the rubber bands come from, but there are always more each day, except on Sundays and Bank Holidays.  ‘They might be brought here by birds, who think they are worms.  But then they drop them because they are too chewy.  Or they might be pinged out of the windows of passing cars.  Or perhaps there is a rubber-clad rubber band fairy who brings them?  Nobody knows.  It’s a mystery.’

Colin is 58.

A spokesman for the Royal Mail was unavailable for comment.

Image credit: perchance.org

Today's Christmas Card report

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000.

Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear.

Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8

Incorrect Addresses: 1

Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good.

Self-made: 2, show offs, rising.

Image credit: perchance.org