Moominpappa tools up as Finland joins NATO

As Finland prepares to join NATO, all the residents of Moominvalley are arming themselves to the teeth.

Quizzed about their state of readiness should the Red Army invade, Moominspokesman said, ‘We're like a snowy Viet Cong. Moominpappa now wears an ammo belt of grenades and is an expert with shoulder launched RPGs. Moomintroll, Snork Maiden and Snufkin can all assemble and disassemble an AK47 while blindfolded. Moominmamma’s handbag is full of knives and throwing stars. She can silently dispatch an entire platoon, whilst whispering 'The horror, the horror' like Brando.’

Moominspokesman continued, ‘It is imperative we preserve our Finnish values like heavy metal, Nokia 3210s and racing drivers. If those Russians try anything we'll send them to Hell's inky depths.'

Weird sisters caught producing unlicensed HRT potion

Three sisters of Birnam Wood were caught in the act of cooking up the 'medicine' in a cauldron, of all things. Inspectors from NICE took samples and declared the constituents were 'unseemly'.

In response the foul and midnight hags declared that they were only trying to fulfil a need that was welcomed by many women across the kingdom.

Not having any particular powers over magick , the witches were told to aroint themselves from the immediate area or they would be brought before Dunsinane Assizes.

Image from Pixabay by darksouls1

https://pixabay.com/photos/witch-gothic-goth-dark-portrait-3202467/

Neighbours furious with NHS worker as it turns out he's a bit of an arse

Neighbours of NHS worker, Colin Wheatley, are furious that their "local hero" is a total dick.

Colin, 37, of Moseley, an NHS nurse with 12 years experience has really disappointed local residents with his grumpy disposition and ignorant manners.

"I can't believe it" Brian Wells told our reporter. "He moved in just as lockdown started and we were all really proud to have a proper, real NHS nurse living on our street. We were out there every Thursday, banging our pots and pans and clapping like there's no tomorrow, just for him."

"We were so excited and proud. We were scared to leave the house and there he was, every day, bravely going off to save lives. A true hero. Then it all went wrong. My kids kicked their ball over his fence a few times and he asked them to stop doing it. They're just kids. Grumpy bugger!"

Ivy Reynolds told us, "I would wave my rainbow flag at him as he passed my house and I even baked a pie for him. My grandchildren even chalked "NHS Hero" on the pavement outside his house. But then everything changed. One day he knocked over my bin with his car and another time, last summer. he was playing really loud music in his garden. This was only a week after he complained about my grandkids making too much noise in the garden because he was on nights."

""I bloody clapped for you!" I told him but he wasn't even listening. He's become a real nightmare."

Mr Wheatley was unavailable for comment.