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FBI now says Isle of Wight never existed

After an exhaustive investigation into cub scout trafficking, the FBI have concluded that no one of influence - or sound mind - ever visited the island. The supposed list of 'clients' who had visited the island was sunk on board the Portsmouth ferry and all tickets to Blackgang Chime were destroyed.


Furthermore the island no longer appears on any maps and has been replaced by the phrase 'here be dinosaurs'. The FBI confirmed 'IOW is not a sex island - not unless you count caravan parks. Nothing illegal ever happened here, in fact, since 1972, nothing ever happened here.'



Pied Piper steals hundreds of robot lawnmowers

A sophisticated hacker has stolen over a hundred robot lawnmowers in the last month.


Residents in an exclusive residential area in Virginia Water, Surrey, seem to have been targeted by a knowledgeable and highly specialised hacker, dubbed the ‘Pied Piper’.


Araminta, 21, said, ‘Mummy noticed that the lawn wasn’t tidy, which was odd, because our robot lawnmower normally does a good job. When we looked for it, we couldn’t find it. We thought it had got lost, or got stuck somewhere, even though it controlled by GPS and can text us if it needs help. Our butler sent the servants out to find it, but no luck. We’ve had to borrow a flock of sheep from one of our neighbours. They do a good job, but they do leave a lot of little presents behind.’


Next door neighbours Arabella and Annabella said their robot lawnmower had also gone missing in similar circumstances. In fact, they had lost three. They bought two replacements before realising that something was wrong. The third lawnmower had a tracking device which, after that too went missing, last pinged in Vladivostok.


Neighbourhood watch wardens Anastasia and Amelia confirmed that over one hundred mowers had gone missing. The thief has avoided all CCTV cameras, and there are no witnesses to any of the crimes. ‘We suspect Russian hackers,’ said Anastasia. ‘We’ve told our private security firm, and they are on the case. The best advice for now is to change your password on your mower, or to have a member of staff follow it around when it's working, or put it on a long leash. Or you could attach a Poundland logo to it, which will make it unsaleable.’


A police spokesman confirmed that the force took property theft very seriously and that they were prioritising the robot lawnmower issue. A missing lawnmower had recently been involved in an RTC on the A25 – clipping a Volkswagen - and it’s believed that the machine was on its way to meet the hacker. A specialised team has been set up, and the local paper has decided to call them the Flymo Squad.


The police have also called in a psychological profiler, a clairvoyant, a former actor and an old lady that does puzzles, to help with the case. They believe that the lawnmowers are being trafficked to Russia, where advanced technology is hard to get hold off. They believe that the Russians are either using them to clip their lawns, or that they are using the lawnmower chips to upgrade their missile systems.


The profiler has advised the police to look out for a well-educated and tech-savvy young male who may have OCD, likes being outdoors, prefers stripey tops, and may have claustrophobia. He is probably obsessed with Robot Wars, and his offending behaviour may be the result of an addiction to grass.




Campaign to make life on Guernsey even duller

A campaign was launched today to impose a 15mph speed limit on some of the smaller, quieter roads in Guernsey.


“We’ve been aware for some time that young hotheads in their 50s and 60s have been seeking out these roads to enjoy the high octane thrills of driving at 20mph. Naturally this isn’t the sort of people we want to attract so, with the usual pretence that it’s something to do with public safety, we are imposing a 15mph limit.”


First to be caught by the new cameras was Gervais de la Boucher, a retired stockbroker driving a red Jaguar MkII because he likes to think of himself as a bit of an Inspector Morse-style silver fox.


“I was on my way to play golf,” he explained, “and a sort of madness came over me. I just lost control. Even as the needle crept up to 17mph, then 18, I just didn’t care.”


He was bound over to appear at Guernsey magistrates court next week, but protested that the court’s on the other side of the island, so if he keeps to the speed limit, he won’t get there on time even if he sets off now.


image from pixabay


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