Voters of Clacton to decide whether climate change is real

As the UK swelters in the third heatwave of the summer, it was announced today that the people of Clacton in Essex will be given the chance to rule on whether climate change is a real thing or “just an establishment stitch-up”.

“Yes, these things were once decided by scientists with qualifications,” said spokesman Dave Concrete of the Reform Party, which organised the poll. “Just as you might, say, get forensic accountants to go through a politician’s finances to determine whether he’s corrupt.

“But we all know ‘expert’ is just another word for ‘the establishment’, and it’s time the issue was put to the people instead.”

Early indications are that Clactonians haven’t quite understood the question, instead telling pollsters that the weather was “gawjus” and they might have an ice cream.

image from Grok

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Touring mime troupe vanishes

Authorities in the quiet town of Stokely-on-the-Wey have not seen any signs of the members of a traveling mime group since their mysterious disappearance Saturday evening.

Eyewitnesses’ accounts of what transpired have only served to muddle the investigation. One observer commented, 'I didn’t think they were very good to begin with. I couldn’t figure out what they were going on about.' No one in the audience seemed to know whether the troupe had finished their show or were still 'mucking about' when they went missing.'

Town Mayor Harold Mitten said that the Hear-no-Evil Mime Troupe had been invited to town for the annual Stokely-on-the-Wey Husking Festival. He said that the Council knew about the troupe solely through what they had seen on the troupe’s website, which contained only photographs and film clips.

Chief Constable Cecil Wheathrop commented, 'It was difficult to get a clear picture of what transpired because most of the members of the audience had lost interest in the performance shortly after it commenced.'

Mrs Jean Aintree said, 'I brought my children with me, and I was extremely disappointed to see that when the mimes performed the classic 'trapped-in-a-box' routine, they relied on a huge cardboard box instead of the customary illusion of a glass-walled box. At that point we stopped paying attention.'

Weaththrop added, 'Based on eyewitness testimony, it is possible that the troupe didn’t actually disappear: they may have merely dispersed; in any event, we still have seen neither hide nor hair of them, and needless to say, we have heard nothing from them.'

https://pixabay.com/photos/mime-clown-expression-circus-4871673/

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Steer clear of Cryme Regis this summer, warn cops

Dorset Police are telling tourists to avoid the formerly sedate coastal resort of Lyme Regis, warning it has become a blackspot for crime and disorder.

"Lyme Regis? Cryme Regis, more like," said a spokes-ASBO for Dorset Police. "Nowadays it's plagued by flying squads of hoodlums who operate in broad daylight on the seafront, knocking the chips out of people's hands and jabbing them repeatedly until an ambulance arrive.

"And that's just the seagulls.

"Plus they make a racket morning, noon and night, steal the catches from trawlers and hang around on seawalls, looking at our officers funny.

"We're so ashamed of the how rotten life has got in this royally-named town that we're ordering the local council to change the signposts to say Lyme Egregious, as a red flag to visitors to steer clear of the godforsaken dump."

image from pixabay