Cap Cap Expected for Northerners

With energy bills set to rise for millions in October as Ofgem increases the energy price cap by 4%, the Government is also expected to announce its widely-anticipated cap cap on Northerners.

From 17th October, there will be a limit for people in the north to own no more than two caps - one to wear during the day and one to wear at night in bed - in the hope that people in the south do not get caught out like last year, when a dearth of hats caused excessive banging of teaspoons against saucers in Royal Tunbridge Wells and the near-cancellation of the Royal Ascot Ladies Day.

Mr Tom Bowler, Minister for Headwear and Protective Coverings, is expected to encourage Northerners to donate any caps that they no longer require to those less fortunate in the south so that they, too, can stay warm in the winter.

'This is a good way that we can protect the environment and use less fossil fuels,' Mr Bowler said, 'so not only are we all able to help the Earth, but we're also saving money, too, by not turning on the heating.  So I urge everyone int' north to donate any unused caps, hats and headwear to us southern jessies, so that we can all be safe and warm this winter.'

image from Google Gemini

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Council installs post boxes in cemetery

Cheshire East Council has introduced a number of white post boxes in local cemeteries to allow the bereaved to send 'Letters to Loved Ones', providing people with a way to stay connected with loved ones who have died.

Visitors can write messages to those they have lost, share memories, mark milestones and continue a conversation by posting letters in the specially-designed boxes.

A spooksperson for the Council said, 'The letters would neither be opened nor read and would be handled with complete confidentiality, so if anyone receives a reply, it will have been ghost written.'

image by Grok

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Prisoners released early for Edinburgh festival

In July, Edinburgh Prison set free over a hundred prisoners under the government's early release scheme.

Rather than making space for new prisoners, the Edinburgh scheme helps boost prison service finances. 'It's simple,' explained a Prison Service accountant and former embezzler. 'We can rent out cells in D wing to Edinburgh festival acts and make a mint. Accommodation in Edinburgh is so expensive that we can charge £300 a night for a cell, or £600 for single occupancy.'

Jerry Lafferty, not his real name, has a musical comedy act. He performs daily on The Royal Mile and hopes one day to perform in one of the venues. He told us that D wing is easily better than anywhere else that he's stayed during the Fringe.  'This place is secure, it has a curfew at 10.30pm so you can sleep without being disturbed, meals are at regular times, and it has an exercise yard. That's already better than most Airbnb's.  I do get teased a bit - my act is criminal, I have to lock the audience in, I've got a cell out show, etc. - but I don't mind. My colleagues are all sleeping on Waverley Station or in a van in the B&Q car park, so the joke's on them.'

Edinburgh prison is doing so well out of the scheme that it may be adopted more widely.  Shepton Mallet prison is quite handy for Glastonbury, Cheltenham prison could rent out cells during Gold Cup week, and Manchester prison could be used every Saturday for home games.

Image credit: perchance.org

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