Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000.
Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear.
Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8
Incorrect Addresses: 1
Who's that one from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good.
Self-made: 2, show offs, rising.
Image credit: perchance.org
It has been announced that the Isle of Wight’s best-selling free weekly ‘newspaper’ the Ventnor Harvester (not to be confused with the popular eatery) will be the first newspaper to be totally generated by AI with no human intervention whatsoever.
Proprietor Muppet Murdoch said, ‘We are proud to be world leaders to take news publishing into the sunlit uplands of an exciting tomorrow. Our innovative and exciting AI news-gathering will anonymise from where we plagiarised – oops, I meant creatively and lovingly duplicated – all of our exciting material. Here is an example of an item from this week’s exciting issue:-
‘In an exciting, sensational development today, some political bloke slagged off another political bloke, and accused him of being an anarchist / Reform fascist / Tory scum / Labour scum / Liberal scum / vegetarian / train spotter / Johnny Foreigner. The other political bloke hit back, accusing the first political bloke of being a sheep shagger and or Welsh / priest or bishop / former Post Office Chief Executive / Newsbiscuit contributor. Another political bloke standing outside his party’s stunning / iconic / exciting HQ slammed the first two, insisting that they were totally out of touch with the popular zeitgeist and that only his party could bring the county together and make the Isle of Wight Great Again (stylish baseball caps available in the Harvesters online store.)’
Mr Murdoch continued, ‘I had made the decision to bring the Harvester bang up to date. I found out that our neighbour’s son is doing GCSE Computing. His first project investigating Jaguar Land Rover’s IT systems didn’t go quite according to plan, so he was happy to have a stab at AI. People have been claiming that some rag called Newsbiscuit has been using AI for years – and when you look at the bad grammar, stilted prose and total lack of anything remotely funny this is probably right.’
When asked what the initials AI stood for, Mr Murdoch confidently responded 'Artificial Insemination'.
Image credit: perchance.org
Britain's biscuit industry has today been left reeling following the government's announcement Police and Crime Commissioners will be scrapped during the current parliamentary term.
A spokesman for NAD (National Association of Dunkers) said: 'This will hit the biscuit industry hard as our research shows that more than 85% of the nation's biscuit sales come from commissioners' meetings. Some argue these meetings are pointless and achieve nothing worthwhile but our industry disagrees vehemently.
'Take my own local commissioner... old... erm... whoever he is. Now what's his name... you know? ... OK, it's a fair cop.'
Image: Aghilms - Pixabay
