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Footy - 'My biggest achievement in office' claims Starmer


'I just want to say - and let me be absolutely clear about this - the England team's success in a recent football match against Mexico was, to a very large extent, due to the not inconsiderable degree of encouragement they received from their supporters in England.'


'And this support would not have been so prolific if it had not been possible for honest, hard-working football enthusiasts from all parts of England, regardless of wealth or occupation - including, but not limited to toolmakers and the sons of toolmakers - to attend premises providing public refreshment during the actual time of the contest in question.'


'With regard to the question of regional priorities, as a retiring prime minister, it would not be appropriate for me to offer any comment except to respectfully draw attention to the fact that the city of Manchester does not have a team competing in the current ongoing world football championship contezzz ... ' 


image by Grok


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Sky offer £1.6bn not to watch re-runs of Surprise Surprise


Despite signalling their intentions to buy ITV, Sky executives have made it clear that they will pay anything to avoid Cilla Black singing. Said one, ‘We want a streaming service, not a sewage pump. For every Brideshead Revisited there are thirteen seasons of Love Island we have to delete first. For every Downtown Abbey there is a…well…another Downtown Abbey.’


The majority of the £1.6bn will be spent on kerosine and a large box of matches, as much of ITV’s content will be lovingly archived as part of a barbeque. They will of course retain the best bits-which is the Granda logo, a signed photograph from the cast of ‘On the Buses’ and Phillip Schofield’s leaver’s card.


‘We’ll keep a few family favourites, like Jeremy Kyle driving people to suicide and the animal cruelty from ‘I’m a Celebrity…’. But our many focus will be turning Coronation Street into a global brand, or failing that, a cute box of chocolates. Oh, and we’ll keep the adverts, we love the adverts.’


image from Grok


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FIFA announces USA has won the World Cup


In a move that has the football world in a spin, Gianni Infantino declared last night the remaining two week schedule of World Cup matches has been scrapped and that the trophy will be presented to Donald Trump who will receive it in part on behalf of the US team but really mostly for himself. 


Infantino told the media: 'It will give me great pleasure to present the cup to President Trump, who as we all know, is the undisputed greatest world leader ever to have lived. He has worked so exceptionally hard for this well deserved victory. He told me this when he telephoned last night for the tenth time.'


Speaking to a sofa full of grovelling Fox so-called serious journalist at breakfast, Trump said. 'I'm glad FIFA has seen sense and righted what was a terrible wrong. One were the greatest footballing nation in the world, that's America by the way, was being expected to have to play more games before we got given the cup. This is a much better solution. And when I finally get the trophy awarded to me, next week in a big, beautiful and spectacular ceremony in the now concreted over Reflecting Pool, I already have a space planned for it among all the other grotesque tat I've dumped in the Oval Office.'


image from Grok


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