POTUS to Pope(US)

Following his statement regarding the death of Pope Francis, Donald Trump has thrown his baseball cap into the ring in an attempt to be elected the new Pope.

'I have plans - great plans – they're the best plans really. I have the best plans. I wanna make Christianity great again' The orange President explained 'Jesus did great but he could've done better. He should've tried harder. I'm gonna do it properly. First of all, Catholics is a huge religion. It's huge – massive. Did you know that? Did you know? I didn't know that. Well I did but I didn't. The Vatican City should be the Vatican State! So my first order of business – and I've already pre-empted my election success and signed the executive order to make it happen – it's gonna happen. Is to make the Vatican City, the Vatican State! Specifically the 52nd State of America, following Canada as 51.

And then I'm going to speak with the Italian Prime Minister Ms Melony – a great lady. Isn't she great? A great leader, and a great fruit. If you eat fruit, which I do not. Unless it's on Pizza. Apparently if you eat too much they can really loosen your bowels – did you know that? Yeah, apparently too much fruit – I don't eat fruit but apparently that's what they say. That's what they say.

So I'll speak to Ms Melons about expanding the Vatican State to include all of Italy. I'm sure we can come to an arrangement – she won't say no – she loves me.'

The President continued for some time, listing how he intends to 'Make Christianity great again' and listing his qualifications for the job of Pope.

'I'm very good at waving to people from the balcony and wearing hats. I also live in a large white building – I'm the most experienced person on the planet for this job. If I were a betting man – which I am, I'd totally bet on myself. Which I have. The whole of the US economy. I also have one up on Jesus because I'm already onto my second coming – I'm totally perfect to be the new boss of all the Catholics! So come on, release your beautiful white plumes of smoke and rejoice! A vote for me is a vote for Donald Jesus Trump!'

Image: GregReese - Pixabay

At least the Pope got to meet J.D.Vance

While the death of Pope Francis is sad, many worshippers took comfort that near the end, he was close to the one true God - J.D.Vance. There are Vice Presidents and there are Vice Presidents, but only Vance is a walking miracle - how else can you explain Trump's election?

88 years old is far too old to get, without meeting J.D.. The Papal Make a Wish Foundation is normally inundated with dying Cardinals who want to meet Vance. However Francis had his prayers answered and thank goodness he did not waste them on a dying kid or some other such nonsense.

The Pope's dying words were: 'Jesus only got a resurrection at Easter, but I got to meet J.D.

'J.C. is such a loser, J.D. rocks!'

Image: WixAI

Britain to Negotiate US/Canada Peace Agreement

Great Britain has offered to negotiate a peace agreement between Canada and the United States.  This would allow the return of half of the United States to the Americans, while the rest would continue to be the eleventh province of Canada.

'I can't think of anything fairer than that' said a source close to one side or the other. 'Half each!  As for which half, I suppose Canada will want the top half - including Alaska - but it's not clear whether the Americans will want the bottom half.  It may be a bit near Mexico for their liking.'

'Maybe, if the Mexicans invade, they could negotiate to give half of their bottom portion to the Mexicans, in exchange for the Mexicans contributing to the cost of building a wall right round the whole of the American's remaining territory to keep out everyone, including the Canadians, the Mexicans and everyone else, including anyone who dares to wants to try to export anything to them.  Not sure what they'd do with Israelis though.'

image from pixabay