Ballroom will come with playpen and pervert dungeon

A ballroom being built will now also include lots of things for perverts to do.

No one really knows why there will be a dance floor, as the wretched psychopaths who will be invited to the gauche annex are so self-despising and bored with life that they are only interested in shoving things up themselves and others.

The playpen had confused some speculators, but a pervert insider confirmed that is where the live food will be corralled.

An area to the side is the childbrain of the mantis scrotum responsible for this epic nonsense. There, workmen will be constantly drilling, because the mantis scrotum likes the sound of it so much.

image from pixabay

Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini

I want a Swatch outstrips Cost of Living as UK's top crisis

All the pain and suffering of life in modern Britain has been laid bare as the country's poorest jostle and fight to hand over £335 each for a plastic watch.

"Sure, I'm on benefits and life is hard," said Dwayne Scally, jumping the queue outside a Swatch store in Liverpool to get a coveted "Royal Pop" pocket watch.

"But life will be unbearable unless I get one of them mini-clock things to show me mates down the pub."

"Then I'll flog it on eBay, probably, as well as the other two that I intend to nick," Scally confided.

Labour leadership hopefuls Angela Rayner, Andy Burnham and Wes Streeting have all promised a special Swatch allowance to anyone who's desperate to buy one of these absurdly overpriced toy-like timepieces and who promises to vote Labour in future by-elections.

image from Google Gemini