Tory Conference renamed ‘Gnashville’ after epidemic of tooth-gnashing over party future.

‘We’re tearing ourselves apart over which issues to tear ourselves apart over’ wailed one Conservative Conference delegate, as she queued for dental attention at the party’s first ever Anti-gnashing unit. There are so many hills to die on, it’s an uphill struggle to decide which to start climbing. We’re in the teeth of a crisis, and we can’t stop chewing’.

A team of emergency dentists (none of them taking NHS patients) was at hand at this year’s conference where vexed gnashing has assumed epidemic proportions. They gave out gum shields, paracetamol and laxative chewing gum. The lattermost is designed to relieve gnashing symptoms while helping constipated Conservatives (Constipervatives) faced with a bleak political future to shit themselves without rectum or gum damage.

Image: endlesswatts - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Government to sh!t in everyone’s mouths.

In an apparent U turn to their current environmental policy, Rishi Sunak has announced the Government will shit in everyone’s mouths. ‘This is not backtracking on our existing green pledges,’ the Prime Minister told a press conference. But we think a more gradual approach might suit the economy and be a smart way of making sure we meet targets while taking the economy into account at a challenging time’.

It's understood the Government was moved to make the policy change after Uxbridge voters chose unanimously to fatally asphyxiate all the constituency's babies and toddlers with poisonous emissions from ministerial cars. It’s understood that if approved by parliament the nationwide mouth-shitting would start in Labour constituencies starting with the safest Labour seat, Liverpool Walton. Therese Coffey the Secretary of State for the Environment will shit in Labour voter Alan Abercrombie’s mouth live on national television at the iconic Liverpool Pier Head, establishing a pattern of alphabetical order for the shitting.

Labour have yet to comment in full about the plan, with some Labour MP’s calling the shitting ‘a desperate attempt at a vote winning gimmick that will blow up in Tory faces’ However, when pressed the shadow environment secretary Steve Reed said if the party were elected he would rule out shitting in voter’s mouth he would not ‘yet’ rule out pissing in their mouths.

Image: Vanessafrazao - Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

Labour's last policy dies in captivity

Having abandoned their plans to end private school charitable status, Labour insisted shooting the policy in the face was the humane thing to do. Explained one zoologist: 'Without other policies to breed with, it would've faded away or been rehomed by the Greens.'

Originally called 'promises', then 'pledges', Sir Keir finally settled for the less ambiguous 'things I tell voters to trick them'. Having abandoned more policies than Boris Johnson has wives, Sir Keir has established a reputation for unparalleled duplicity, known as the Pinocchio Effect.

Complained one voter: 'He's always been an authoritarian charlatan, with no ethics whatsoever...so, in his defence, that's one policy he's stuck to.'

Hogwarts Harry Potter Magic - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

NewsBiscuit Home