Concern for all Dickensian-named Civil Servants after Morgan McSweeney is ousted

With the removal of Morgan McSweeney, it is not a good time to be a Dickensian named civil servant. Permanent Secretary Josiah Bounderby and Assistant Secretary Affery Flintwinch have been sidelined and rumours are that Anne Chickenstalker and Mortimer Lightwood are to be the next to go.

Lady Honoria Dedlock, despite her connections will be replaced and Horatio Pricklesnitch is expected to be forced into early retirement. Because of their association with a known Mandelson, Senior Principles Egbert

Pardiggle and Charity Pecksniff will also relinquish their roles. Obviously Wackford Squeers and Dick Swiveller are expected to go by the end of the week; they would just be a distraction at this point.

It looks like Tiny Tim Cratchit has kept his position, but maybe only till consumption eventually takes him.

image from pixabay

Disappointed your MP isn't named in the Epstein Files?

Don't worry, there's still three million emails, photos, snuff movies and unused rushes from the Melania movie to be released yet.  And don't forget, most of the files released have swathes redacted, so your MP might feature in there already.  There's only 650 or so MPs at any given time, so plenty of opportunity for them to star more than once, probably not as often as Nige, though.  Mandy might look like a rank amateur by the time it's all finished.

What is to say your immediate or distant family don't feature in the unreleased bits?  That creepy uncle from Swansea, got to be a good chance.  Your cousin who disappeared while on holiday fifteen years ago - hate to be the bearer, but you can't rule it out.  But notoriety all the same, eh? Unless there's something you want to get off your chest - before the next release!

Ultimately it's probably best for the entire House of Commons to resign today.  House of Lords as well, obviously.  The Royal Family should really look at packing their bags and heading to the job centre.  Or the Maldives, whichever appeals the most.  And while they're at it, shouldn't you hang your head in shame, just in case?

image from pixabay

Starmer fires Lord Vader but finds it difficult to remove his title

Darth Vader appears to be reluctant to relinquish his tight, black leather grip on his title and finds Starmer’s lack of faith in him disturbing.

The prime Minister made the following statement, “We knew of his ties to the disgraced Emperor, Darth Sidious, who wanted to establish absolute eternal rule over the galaxy, before we rehired him. However, Darth assured us, with a simple hand gesture and prompting phrase, that we should just move on. I feel deceived by him to be honest; it turns out he was helping build a gargantuan space station armed with a planet destroying laser. We should have seen the signs, and we failed to act and for that we are truly sorry.”

He continued “Being a lifetime appointed Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Vader can still use that title even after being severely spoken to and tutted at. He was appointed because he had excellent experience in dealing with certain types of people and was able to manipulate and control weak minded…..oooohh, I see the issue now.”

There had been many complaints of Lord Vader frightening people with his sorcerer's ways, and he was known to be difficult to work with. It was public knowledge of his association with the evil empire and there were even compromising photographs of Vader in his pants holding a clipboard. Victims of the empire’s atrocities were particularly livid about his appointment, especially family members of the destroyed planet of Alderaan.

Keir finished with “As you must be aware, removing a title is very complicated and the whole process is quite cumbersome. There are all sorts of legal hurdles from the old days and there is the risk of having a light sabre remove your head, so there is that to consider. We sent HR to touch base with Vader but he force choked them and threw them against a wall.”

image created by Grok

www.newsbiscuit.com