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Bashar al-Assad cancels Edinburgh stand up show over death penalty

Former dictator Bashar al-Assad has been forced to cancel his week long run of stand up shows at the Edinburgh Fringe after the Syrian courts sentenced him to death in his absence.


The 20 minute show, entitled 'Damn ass cussin' was scheduled to begin on Saturday, despite early mixed reviews.


The Guardian had slated his act as 'torturous' saying that Assad 'murdered his material', while The Independent said that his show had been tried and tested over the last few years on the Moscow circuit and that as a result he was 'killing it'.


A statement from the festival organisers apologised for the short notice cancellations and confirmed that all tickets would be refunded.


'Bashar is of course very sorry for disappointing his fans, but we're sure everyone appreciates that while dying on stage is an occupational hazard for any comedian, being dragged out into the desert and having a bullet fired into your skull at point blank range is no laughing matter. Even for McIntyre.'


They continued 'we remain fully committed to meeting the obligations of our acts during the festival and are doing everything in our power to ensure there is no further disruption to the schedules. Which is why we have sent Lee Mack on a diplomatic mission to the Iranian Islamic Republic to try and get the fatwa lifted from Mel and Sue. At least until the end of their run.'





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Sunday Times seeks new “bloke down the pub” columnist

Following the death of Rod Liddle the Sunday Times is seeking to hire a new “bloke down the pub” or “golf club bore” type to write a column every week.


Inviting candidates to submit a sample article, the ad suggests people think of 1,000 words that might comfortably sit between “I was talking to this bloke down the pub, and he reckons” and “Spose you can’t say that any more”. Points will be deducted for citing any evidence beyond your gut feeling on the issue, attacking anyone with the power to fight back, referring to Muslims as anything other than “Muslamics”, or saying “I’m not racist/sexist” without instantly proving that you are.


Reports suggest the job was initially offered to comedian Al Murray, who patiently explained “No, the pub landlord’s a character, I’m actually very intelligent.”


Liddle’s family have declined to talk about his death, though one insider has suggested he was so ecstatic over the news a black Cambridge professor turned out to be a fraud that he didn’t even make it to his word processor before expiring with a look of serene happiness on his face.


However, the paper said that the official verdict that Liddle died of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disorder should in no way discourage candidates from writing that the smoking ban in pubs is “a gross infringement of a free-born Englishman’s civil liberties”, people who are against smoking are just “puritans and killjoys” and that you might get hit by a bus tomorrow anyway. 


“It’s what he would have wanted.”




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Film budget blown by lack of full moon

A potential blockbuster film has had to reshoot multiple, high cost scenes because the director failed to notice the moon was waxing.  Or waning, whatever.  The scenes were 'ruined' because it is a Hollywood requirement that night shots only occur when there is a full moon.


'How are film audiences supposed to understand what a crescent moon means?' asked a Hollywood expert.  'Is it some kind of Marxist subtext? Is it even night?'.


'The fight scene has cost the most to remake - getting thirty thugs to take on the hero one at a time before he walks away from a huge explosion without looking back that obliterates all other light sources, including the moon - oh, bugger,' said the director today.




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