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Farage Says Reform Will Make Wales Win Grand Slam

During a visit to Wales, part-time gin-salesman, GB News Host, and MP Nigel Farage told supporters if Reform UK took control of the Senedd in next year's elections he would see Wales "prosper and grow" by having them once again win a Grand Slam at the Six Nations.


When challenged, he admitted this was an "ambition" and would require support from other governments; in particular those from New Zealand and South Africa. He added that while his party was against uncontrolled migration, desperate times - such as the worst performance by a Welsh team since the creation of the competition - called for desperate measures.


His political rivals said this was yet another case of his party offering empty promises to the people of Wales that were impossible to deliver, including reopening the coal mines, building a new blast furnace at Port Talbot, and getting the new James Bond song performed by Tom Jones.



England footballers “must be sons of previous players”

After barely scraping past Andorra, a country so small it’s surprising they could find 11 men of the right age to play, the manager of the English football team announced today he had a new plan for the team’s future.


“From now on,” said Thomas Tuchel, “to play in the England team, you must be the son of someone who played in it before.


“It’s been standard practice in the film industry for years. They used to do a thing called ‘auditioning’, where they would take actors, even complete unknowns, and test them to see if they were any good.” This revelation had younger journalists googling to check if it was true, since it’s never happened in their lifetimes.


”These days, of course, they simply ask established stars if they have any children who might fancy giving acting a go. And if they’re worried about bad publicity, they provide them with a standard template saying ‘If anything, I had to be twice as good as everyone else just to prove I was there on merit’, ready to be fed to a tame journalist.”


This unfortunately spelled bad news for players like Phil Foden. “Sorry, mein Freund, it’s not that you haven’t been really impressive for England over the last few years. But your dad’s a plumber, for God’s sake.”


Meanwhile Steve Hurst, grandson of England’s 1966 World Cup final hero Geoff Hurst, said he was very surprised to get the call.


“Still, I’d been considering making a change from accountancy for a while, it was starting to feel a bit stale. Granted, I’d been thinking more in terms of insurance or banking rather than representing my country at a sport I haven’t played since I was at school, and wasn’t good at even then. But that’s the thing about life in Wokingham - you just never know what’s going to happen next.”



Kuenssberg and Mason Threesome With Farage Mannequin

The BBC Current Affairs department was thrown into chaos today when a leaked video seemed to show their former and current political editor engaging in a ménage a trois with a mannequin wearing red trousers and a Barbour Jacket.


During the seven-minute clip where the two worship the effigy and spend an inordinate amount of time kissing its posterior, both are heard to exclaim soft-ball questions like, "Would you stop the boats if you were Prime Minister? Just yes or no, we don't need your plan." , "Uncosted tax breaks that will benefit the wealthy? How can anyone lose?" And, as the recording finished, "No further questions big boy."


Head of BBC news Deborah Turness was quick to dismiss the scandalous film as nothing more than a damp squib. "The most important question to answer and that we will cover at-length," she said while wrapping up her press conference, "is that even though Nigel Farage didn't come first, or indeed at all, what does such an event means for Sir Keir Starmer and his Labour Government."



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