Tottenham in talks with stop-motion character to become next manager

The Chief Executive of Tottenham Hotspur has confirmed the club are in talks with a French stop motion character with a view to becoming their next full time manager.

Majority shareholders ENIC say the as yet unnamed Frenchman, who is currently out of work after leaving his post as a fairground manager is available to take over at Spurs immediately and is considered by the Tottenham board to be the perfect fit to revive the fortunes of the ailing EPL club.

Chief Executive Venus Ventasackem said the new manager has been described as a talking jack-in-a box with magical powers who would appeal to the Spurs fan base who have been crying out for such an appointment since the glory days under Bill Nicholson.

If agreeing to take over at the club it is thought the new manager would want to bring in his own backroom staff, dietician, set piece coach and medical staff.

Rumours that a drop-eared terrier had been seen house hunting with a snail, a cow and a hippy rabbit in north London has triggered rumours about the identity of the mystery manager with some fans speculating on social media that it might be former Spurs favourite David Ginola.

But Ginola denied he had been approached by his old club saying it sounded more like the lunchtime menu at a French truck stop than the back up team of an EPL manager.

Although, considering the last few appointments Tottenham have made Ginola agreed that would be a marked improvement.

image by Grok

BBC praised for dragging alleged historical sex offences into 21st century

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s.'

Elsewhere, one veteran BBC DJ, has complained that he was ostracised for years and labelled a 'sicko' and 'disgusting' by colleagues, as he never sexually assaulted a minor and was in a loving, committed relationship with an age appropriate woman.

Waving a lighter in the air, the spokes-apologist began singing 'What a deviant. Anyway, there ain't no party like a historical sex crimes party!'

image from pixabay

Spurs’ revolving door “could be unlimited source of clean energy”

As Tottenham Hotspur sacks another manager after six weeks, scientists have speculated that the revolving door through which spent managers are ejected, and new useful idiots lured into the job, could provide an unlimited source of clean energy.

“All electricity generation, from coal to nuclear, is based on getting a magnet to rotate within a coil,” explained a boffin today. “And it just occurred to me that this constantly revolving door at Three Points… sorry, White Hart Lane is a resource we just aren’t using.

”After all, it’s sustainable - there seems to be no shortage of idiots who’ll take the job, no matter how disastrous it was for everyone before them. Long term, I suppose it’s possible Spurs might start to do well and keep their manager for more than a couple of months - but it clearly won’t be in the near future.”

Meanwhile, former Spurs manager Juande Ramos was baffled to receive a letter from his old club including an electricity bill for £10,000.

When he protested it was nothing to do with him, they said “Sorry mate - you were the last person in the trophy room in 2008, and you left the lights on.”

image from Grok