1) Memorize your lines, particularly in court.
2) Do your own makeup – especially the bruises.
3) Get a good agent but a get an even better lawyer.
4) Switch emotions faster than an emoji with whiplash.
5) And carry an onion. Not for crying. But to eat and then shit it out on your boyfriend's bed.
'Our boy took one Hell of a beating' said Tiddles, captain of the Feline Wanderers, 'but it's a game of two halves innit and after givin' it 110%, the lad done good in the end so - result!'
'Our team might only be a team of footballers cats rather than footballers WAGS, but at least we don't waste our time, energy & millions of pounds in legal fees on catfights.'
As the WagathaChristie case comes towards an end, Tabloid sub-editors are already hoping for further pun-fest celebrity libel trials with a detective element to them and here at Newsbiscuit we can exclusively reveal the front runners:
#ColUmbro - Coleen Rooney is in the courtroom again, this time taking the mid-range sportswear manufacturer Umbro to court for allegedly producing cheap polyester-blend footy shirts that gave Wayne excessive nipple rub during his time playing for England. Evidence to be produced by Colleen in the witness box is thought to include 3 empty king-size jars of Vaseline
#LynamofDuty - Des Lynam is called back in to the BBC to face an AC-12 Ted Hastings style enquiry about historical anomalies in his expense claims during the Barcelona 1992 Olympics, thought to relate to a bowl of Patatas Bravas and a couple of pints of Cruzcampo shared with Barry Davies on Las Ramblas.
#CherLochHomes - Cher faces the witness box after becoming tied up in a Ponzi-scheme housebuilding scam. The Witches of Eastwick and Mamma Mia 2 star is found to have encouraged investors to part with over £2 million, supposedly to fund a holiday home development on the edge of Loch Lomond. If She Could Turn Back Time...
#PiqueBlinders - Gerard Pique, the gifted Barcelona FC Centre Back, has to do some defending of a different kind, after being accused of being the ringleader of a global venetian blind smuggling network. Using the famous Balkan Route through Afghanistan and Turkey into Europe, Pique is said to be responsible for nearly 80% of illegal blind imports, using county lines to tightly control supply of venetians, romans and those fancy shutters that everyone has nowadays.
#DefInParadise - there is Hysteria in the courtroom as Def Leppard appear in the witness box, to deny allegations of wearing overly tight stonewashed jeans and a dark black T-Shirt in the 35 degree heat of Guadeloupe.
#Gerrard-Depp-Heard-Hugh - Steven Gerrard walks into the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial by accident and encounters Hugh Grant, who is....er, that's enough celebrity court detective-style hashtags thanks. Newsbiscuit Eds.
