Casualties mount as Russia launches breakaway Eurovision

Russia has denied massing mediocre pop groups on the borders with Europe, claiming the manoeuvres are a ‘special musical operation’. Russia insists it only wants to liberate elderly Russian folk dancers who are being oppressed by their angry neighbours. Western powers believe Putin is seeking revenge after the state-sponsored group, Willy Riot, was banned from this year’s Eurovision contest.

Border guards in Poland and Estonia have reported hearing boom-bang-a-bangs and are preparing for a full-on assault on their earholes. The US and Germany have agreed to supply their allies with ear plugs and state-of-the-art anti-folk dancing systems.

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Luxury flat owner on toilet wins Turner Prize

The owner of a luxury apartment overlooked by Tate Modern has spoken of her shock and delight at winning this year’s Turner prize. Poppy Tamara Bullion, a haute couture fashion designer, was unaware she had been nominated for the accolade, or that going to the toilet fell under the category of performance art.

Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have won the Turner prize. I produce some of my best work when I’m sitting on the toilet. A big shout out to all the art critics who stand on the viewing platform in dirty raincoats, come rain or shine.’

Grayson Perry, one of this year’s judges, praised Ms Bullion’s work.

‘She goes beyond using the toilet as a utilitarian process and opens up the medium to thousands of ordinary working class people. She is saying – look at me, I’m rich and privileged but I go to the toilet like everyone else. It’s political without being ideological.’

The Saatchi Gallery has snapped up Ms Bullion’s toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum. Ms Bullion announced on social media - ‘Hi guys. So excited to have sold my toilet and exercise bike for an undisclosed sum.’

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Radioactive capsule found after unusual concentration of superheroes detected

Australian officials have been explaining how they managed to find a 8x6mm capsule along a 900km stretch of road.

"It started when Wagga Wagga Capes and Extra Large Underpants Emporium reported a spike in sales to Newman, Western Australia.", said Pouchwoman - formally known as Officer Brenda Martin - speaking from her glittering 150m high crystal kangaroo stronghold.

"When officers neared the area, there were a lot of 'unusual' people on the road in a particular spot; Digeridoo Man, Wallaby Woman, Wombatman, Duck Bill Platypus Man - he's my husband, he's not a superhero; that's just his nickname - was with me and suggested the capsule must be close by; as I got out the car, I was bitten by a glowing kangaroo and the next couple of hours were a bit of a blur and I woke up here with the capsule safely in my pouch. And I dare say, a lot of supervillains will be a bit worried from now on. In unrelated news, Boris Johnson is visiting the Ukraine and asking about "safe houses".

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