Brilliant England were rubbish all along

TV pundits and armchair experts alike have all suddenly realised that actually England were shit all along and with a clueless German manager they were never going to bring it home. Cheerleader Micah Richards, who of course never played at a world cup , screamed even louder than usual into his BBC microphone that England had not played well at all in the tournament, and everyone nodded sagely as the verbal diarrhoea spewed from his mouth at ever increasing decibels.

Fans around the country pointed out that if only Cole Palmer or Phil Foden had been there with an English manager (though not Southgate of course) they would never have succumbed to pressure and would be raring to go for Sunday.

Said Dave Potter of Rowley Regis 'I said all along Tuchel would be trying to get England knocked out, and it showed tonight. Taking the lead, and then relying on the same tactics that worked in the previous games, proved my point. Sack Tuchel, appoint a good English manager like, err..... err.... errr..... OK, appoint anything but a German or a woman, and it'll come home at the Euros.'

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Image: ChatGPT

Recap at start of TV crime drama bears no relation to plot at all

The 'Previously..' segment at the start of episode 4 of an ITV crime drama bears frustratingly little connection to what you've watched over the last 3 episodes, and is actually making you question your memory and sanity, it has been confirmed. 

The plot of 'Gone for Good' seems relatively straightforward and you were quite enjoying it - a slow-burning 6 parter, about a seemingly sociopathic doctor who is the prime suspect in the murder of his wife and the guy she was having an affair with.

Featuring a dogged female detective with problems of her own in her personal life, but who develops a begrudging respect for the beleaguered doctor and his wayward son, you have been wondering, like the detective - maybe he isn't guilty after all, despite what the rest of the CID team think, as well as the dryly humorous pathologist, and wacky IT specialist. 

Yet the recaps at the start of each episode are annoyingly missing out a lot of the key details about the story so far, and - hold on, that snippet of conversation they've just replayed was actually said in a different way in episode 3 wasn't it? And the doctor actually said 'you need a long rest, mate' to one of his patients in episode 1, not dubbed over the footage of him standing over his best mate in episode 2 after discovering him lying in a pool of blood with an axe in his head.    

And, haven't they just mixed up the order of things - that restaurant scene with the detective and the slightly odd GP's receptionist that she's known for years was in episode 2, and yet the brick being thrown through the police detective's window that they cut to straight after the restaurant in the recap - that was in the opening episode wasn't it?

And why the hell are they focusing for 30 seconds in this recap on some random guy that was only in episode 2 in the background scene digging a big hole in the woods in the dark of night and looking really pained, can they not just focus on things that are important to know! 

image from Google Gemini

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Trump loses his sh!t

US president Donald Trump has reacted furiously to the humiliation of being mocked by Belgian footballers by declaring that unless the result is overturned, the ceasefire with Iran is over. In a rambling statement, Trump said,

'Unless Infantino does the decent thing and reinstates the United states team every time they lose, until I have lifted the world cup for them, millions of Iranian people will be blasted to oblivion. You know, we treated those bastards so well during the soccer jamboree, and this is how we are repaid. It's not on.

No one mocks the mighty Donald J Trump without some defenceless little kids dying with their entire family. It's only fair. You know Iran used to be called Persia?  I didn't until yesterday and now I think they changed the name to help them hide the nukes. Bigly nukes go boom! And the whole country goes boom unless Infantino does the business.

You know, I've done so much for him, giving him the greatest soccer jamboree of all time. Now he has to pay me back or I forget soccer and obliterate Persia. They are cuckoo anyway. My pants feel squishy. Has someone farted?

Thank you for your attention to this matter. What day is it? What's this red button for? .

image from Grok

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