99% of BBC licence goes to pay for Gary Lineker's crisps

An inflation busting rise to the license fee was deemed necessary, as Mr Lineker has increased his crisp consumption ten fold. Despite cutbacks to the service, costs have spiralled to maintain his lavish taste in ear muffs and to keep Alan Shearer in silk stockings.

Notoriously the BBC's highest earner, he has exclusive use of the secret helipad in the Blue Peter garden.

Executives admit to supplying the TV star with unlimited Teletubbies and his own private access to David Attenborough.

Half of all programming now features Mr. Lineker's smug face. but only those with wide-screen can see his lugs. Viewers have accused iPlayer of exposing us to too much of Mr. Lineker, just like his shorts throughout the 1980s.

Image: Pixabay/avantrend

AI technology will be changing the way you shop

Supermarkets have always claimed that shoppers choose to shop in them because they offer more choice, however this may be due to change now that technology has advanced. Having successfully ensured shoppers sign up for loyalty card schemes to be able to shop in supermarkets so the discount gained from using the loyalty cards means they pay the true price of the goods, the data gathered on your shopping habits and lifestyle is to be used to reduce the amount of choice available to you. New loyalty cards with embedded electronics are to be issued in the coming months, which will identify you as a unique customer from the moment you enter the store. Technology will be embedded in the trolley, enabling it to only be steered along aisles the AI wants it to go and the trolley will occasional be come immoveable when it is alongside an item the supermarket is keen that you purchase. Customers are not expected to notice anything materially different in this respect to when they get a trolley with a wonky wheel. Advanced packaging linked to the technology will have an invisibility cloak feature that can be turned on or off by the AI to give the impression there is only one item on the shelf, although it may not be necessary to use this function unless Brexit restrictions ease. Cameras around the store will allow the technology to determine whether there’s been any increase in the body mass of your kids since your recent shops and if not, the technology will ensure you can only buy them junk food; and if they are getting ridiculously fat, you’ll be forced to buy them ludicrously expensive healthy food. A spokescrook for the government told Newsbiscuit it welcomes the technology as it will make the shopping experience more efficient, boost productivity and thus lead to growth.

Image: Pixabay/analogicus

Row breaks out over new ‘satirical’ book

Following the announcement that the next Newsbiscuit publication will be Seagulls on Smack, a furious row has erupted regarding the potentially controversial, not to mention explosive content.

At a mass demonstration on the Isle of Wight (IOW), furious residents demanded that the book be withdrawn, pulped, burnt, shot and hanged.

A leading IOW rabble-rouser (Robowurzel) was quoted as saying “This book will be a monstrous slur on the Island’s favourite national bird. And also the title has confused most of our (mainly elderly) residents.

Seagulls on Smack – what the hell does that mean? Seagulls landing on a small ship? Seagulls discussing corporal punishment?? Or is this a misprint of Seagulls on Snack? In which case it is bloody obvious – chips.”

A spokesperson for the Newsbiscuit publishing giant – Nice (sic) Admin Lady – wearily explained.

“The book hasn’t even been printed yet. And it will be a limited edition sent to discerning adults wrapped in plain brown paper (the book that is). So to suggest any content at the present moment is a witch hunt and kangaroo court. And it is not as if we are going to translate it into Dutch – although hang on a minute....”

Image: Pixabay/Pexels