top of page
Search

'My old man didn't fight in WW2 just so I'd be forced into having Covid jabs,' says total moron.


ree

Barry S*ite, a moronic costermonger from Billericay, is still refusing to take government advice to get vaccinated and help combat Covid. The fifty-three year-old argues it’s a breach of his civil liberties and his inherent right to do "whatever he likes and f*ck the rest of them".


'My Dad and his Dad didn’t fight in two World Wars to win our freedom only for subsequent governments to tell me I have to allow myself to be jabbed with some stuff, that not only protects me but also those around me too. What's all that about? Daft or what!


'And anyway, this Covid is a load of old pony. It doesn’t really exist. I know that cos I have a mate who’s a doctor in London and he says it’s all just made-up to sell newspapers and that. Oh, and by the way, according to an anti-vax group I belong to on Facebook, just one tiny dose has more proteins than a dozen eggs and introduces three different types of nanoprobe GPS tracking devices into your bloodstream.


'If some bloody oldies fall off the twig then tough luck because that’s life, isn’t it? They’ve all had a good innings. Yeah? It means that I can get around the supermarket a lot easier without them clogging up the aisles with their wheelies, loitering beside the cheeses gossiping to one another about Bert having a bag fitted or Gladys dying last week.


'I voted for Boris to get Brexit done and he did, but why is he now treating us like we’re still under the European jackboot? Well I for one shan't capitulate to state pressure. I've never had a day's illness in my life. Fit as a bleedin' fiddle I am, mate.'






First published 18 Nov 2021


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



England lose their first training session on penalties


ree


Manager Gareth Southgate refused to attend a press conference following England’s latest embarrassing defeat in Qatar. Despite inventing the game, the country is still terminally useless at being able to kick a ball in any meaningful direction.


‘I’m as sick as a parrot,’ muttered a crestfallen Southgate as he walked away from the scene of England’s latest disgrace. ‘We haven’t had a decent result since we beat Stockport Post Office in the Euros,’ he added. ‘Frankly, we only have ourselves to blame for scoring against ourselves.


We had a carefully worked out plan with Venn diagrams, a screening of Escape from Alcatraz, and a PowerPoint presentation from some bloke in a tracksuit. I’m going to have to go back to the drawing board.’


Assistant coach, Ronnie Rickets, said it could mean wearing a sheepskin coat on the touchline like they did in the old days.


‘Yeah, well, you know, said Ronnie. ‘Harry Kane did point out that a sheepskin coat in sixty-plus degrees might not be conducive to keeping cool under the circumstances. That earned him a punch in the face from Gareth and sixty lashes from the security guards.’




First published 17 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



International tightrope walking competition opens in Qatar


ree


Competitors are gathering in the Middle East to walk a tightrope between enjoying themselves and being condemned to the death penalty. The festival of daring, bravery and skill involves very carefully putting one foot in front of the other, as even the slightest step out of line could prove fatal.


The Qatari authorities have explained that even white, hetrosexual, teetotal, male entrants who don’t really care about human rights will have to tread very carefully along the high wire throughout the competition. All other contestants will have the added complication of tightrope walking on eggshells, and absolutely no safety net will be provided.


Overall, it is hoped that the world’s television viewers will be hugely entertained by the event, and will marvel at the spectacle of the death-defying acts. Apart from the families of the exploited migrant construction workers whose efforts to set up the tournament in Qatar were sadly less than death-defying.




First published 16 Nov 2022


If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?






ree


ree


ree


ree



bottom of page