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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’



NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



First published 20 April 2023


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Foreign Office criticism of Russia upgraded from 'feeble' to 'limp'



Following the news that a man with joint British and Russian citizenship has been sentenced to 25 years in a Russian prison, the Foreign Office has officially upgraded its criticism of the Russian state from “feeble” to “limp”.


Vladimir Kara-Murza was sentenced for being a vocal critic of President Putin, though the court promised to come up with a more legal-sounding charge as soon as they have a moment. It also insisted that reporters didn’t refer to the prison as a gulag, even though it’s exactly the same series of remote camps in arctic Siberia and people are still being sent there without any pretence of legal process.


A Foreign Office spokesman said today that if upgrading their criticism to “limp” didn’t frighten the Russians into cooperating, the next stage would be “floppy”, after which come “half-hearted”, “pathetic” and finally “wet lettuce”. However, they denied this meant they weren’t making their case strenuously.


'We have asked for an appointment with the Russian Ambassador so we can lodge our protest at their treatment of a British citizen. Unfortunately, his office said he had a hairdressing appointment he can’t move, and after that he’s got tickets to a show. But we’re confident he will at least read the phone messages we left before the weekend.'



First published 19 April 2023


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CIA call in plumber to fix their leaks



Tired of every kid with a Amstrad 464 being able to hack the Pentagon, the CIA has outsourced intelligence protection to Check-A-Trade. One spy confirmed: 'We're more leaky than a Joe Biden prostate examination. Data was dripping everywhere, the grouting on our hard drives was non-existent.'


Having provided a temporary fix, the plumber said: 'There's your problem. See that? You've got a huge hole in your ethics. Unless you plug that gap with some human rights or crafty lawyers, you're just going to get more leakers - and no water left to waterboard them.'


Faced with rising panic and rising damp, the CIA agreed to re-tile the whole of the secret surface. Given their predilection for war crimes, the plumber reminded them he offered a discount for repeat business: 'But cash in hand, please. I'm sure I can trust you guys not to blab to the IRS.'



First published 18 April 2023


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