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Singing can raise spirits says MP



Another MP has offered advice to Britons worried by rising prices and facing financial hardship.


Noah Eydeer, the MP for Head-In-The-Sand, suggested that people who are concerned by rising prices should turn to singing to raise their spirits.


"I understand what a jolly rotten time members of the public are having, but people do have a choice about how they react in a situation and I think that singing is a wonderful way raise their spirits. Rather than spending time worrying about where the next meal is coming from or how they will pay the fuel bill, why not belt out a few verses of "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin or "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life" by Monty Python.


The MP also suggested that if households have "Sing-offs" with neighbours outside the food bank, then that could lead to a stronger community spirit. "That would take their mind off needing to eat."



Author: urbanhermit



First published 18 May 2022


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Vandals criticised over time it took to deface Thatcher memorial



Vandals in the Lincolnshire town town of Grantham have been heavily criticised for the time it took them to deface a bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher, when two whole hours had dragged by before people eventually started throwing eggs at the 15ft monstrosity.


Egg thrower Jason Beesley later apologised for not defacing the monument sooner but said it had been installed early on a Sunday morning and it had been difficult to source objects to throw at the former prime minister.


‘Sorry mate’ said Beesley ‘but eggs is all we had at the time. We will of course be lobbing pots of blue paint at the witch once B&Q are open. We realise two hours is an unacceptable time to have to wait…..ironically we had to get the eggs from a food bank as the corner shop formerly owned by the Thatcher family was forced out of business by the local supermarkets.


'As a former grocer’s daughter, I’m sure Thatcher would have approved of being defaced by our locally sourced eggs’.


Local businesses were said to be delighted that the memorial had eventually been erected and hoped it would attract other vandals to the town. A number of boarded up shops nearby have recently been sold and demand for eggs has gone through the roof.


Plans to hold an annual egg throwing contest are already under way in the little market town. The contest promises to be a ‘fun day out’ for all the family and over 10,000 former NUM members have already signed up for a chance to be the first official egg-thrower.


'Ironically, the demand for miners has never been greater' said Beesley 'a whole new industry dedicated purely to defacing Thatcher's memorial has been created. So you see....despite what she said, there really is such a thing as society after all'.




First published 17 May 2022


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Area man unveils covert method of ogling female co-workers



Office lothario Henry Evans has discovered a foolproof technique for appreciating the beauty of female co-workers without prompting a call from HR. "The method is so simple, I'm surprised no-one has thought of it before," Henry tells us. "You want to start by maintaining eye-contact. This gives the impression that you're sincerely listening to what she has to say. Then, mid-way through the conversation, you just drop your gaze into her cleavage. It's all about timing. You don't want to loiter there; after a few minutes, she's bound to notice."

Henry explains the fascinating science behind his discovery.


"You see, women's eyes process things slower than males; they work at about 50 fps whereas males work at 100 fps. That means that she won't notice your gaze dribbling down her chest like a lascivious slug, even if you're standing right in front of her. Women only see black and white, which prevents—wait, that might be dogs actually."


Evans' insights offer much-needed guidance to many men who are struggling to navigate the minefield of office etiquette in a post-MeToo era. He wants men to know that the playful female objectification of yore does not need to disappear completely.


"This has been a process of trial and error," Henry tells us. "There are a few rookie mistakes that might give you away. Squeezing your hands at chest height and screaming "HONKA-HONKA" is not as inconspicuous as one might think. Nor is ejecting your eyes from your skull and yelling "AWOOGA" at the sight of a shapely rear. Females typically react unfavourably to this."


The women of the office were unavailable for comment. I think they were, anyway. One was wearing a red bra.


image from pixabay



First published 16 May 2023


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