In a moving tribute to their former frontwoman, the abysmal boyband ‘Princes’ will reunite for one last performance. The new frontman is the artist formerly known as Prince (of Wales). Best known for speaking to plants and an emetic line in sexy phone conversation, Charlie doesn’t sing, dance or play a musical instrument, but he’s still, somehow, the band’s most talented member. Andy, the ‘randy’ member of the group, has returned to the fold in a move reminiscent of the final scene of The...

Marjorie Black (43) from Warrington has been struck off as a medical receptionist following the death of one of her patients. Mrs Black’s assessment of the man’s medical history was described by the GMRC as ‘cursory’ and despite making him strip to his underpants in a packed waiting room she failed to detect an obvious crackle in his lungs. In mitigation she pointed out that the wolf-whistles and jokey comments of other patients was a distraction, and her stethoscope had come from Amazon and...

In readiness for the early release of a few million murderers and rapists, the Home Office has announced an increase in rubber bands, headed notepaper and staples for the Probation Service. ‘This Government is committed to public service’, a spokesman said. ‘Whether it’s extra envelopes, a swivel chair or whiteboard markers, we aim to ensure that public services are properly resourced’. Jake, 32, is a probation officer in Liverpool. ‘I’m really buzzing about the extra paper’, he said. ‘I’m...