Horoscopes for May, by Dippy Dave

Aries

Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.

Taurus

Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.

Gemini

With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.

This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.

Good luck with either.

Cancer

You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.

Leo

Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.

Virgo

Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!

Libra

The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.

Scorpio

You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.

Sagittarius

Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.

Capricorn

The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.

A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.

Aquarius

Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.

Pisces

Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.

Contributions from

deskpilot: Aries

SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces

FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn

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Horoscopes for April 2025 byAlan Augur, "the Nostradamus of the Fens”.

Aries

You will go on a long but perilous journey that will expose you to great danger, so beware ! ... is what I should have said last month. My bad. Still, it has thinned out the herd a bit. Those of you still with us should have a much easier time this month. Probably

Taurus

Nothing of great import to relate, same as last month and the one before that. As a result, next month's Parole Hearing should be a foregone conclusion.

Gemini

By lowering your expectations, you are smashing it on a daily basis. Today is no exception : you will find some small change on the station platform, the lift at work will be waiting for you as you come through the door and you will get the last chocolate digestive on the biscuit plate in that interminable but necessary meeting.

The rest of us will remain baffled by your boundless optimism and sunny disposition, with much speculation about what medication you are on, and where can we get some.

Cancer

An old and trusted confidant has fallen on hard times and needs your support.

To be honest, the bottom of the prediction game has dropped out - can I have a borrow of £20?

Leo

The small hex key you need to tighten up the dining table is in the small blue and white pot on the mantlepiece. This might seem way too specific, but you would be surprised how many people this will help.

Virgo

In the continuing battle of wits that is modern life, it sometimes feels like you are bringing a knife to a gun-fight. However, the Celestials love and cherish you, even if it is as comic relief. Keep your chin up, sunshine, and you'll bimble through as usual.

Libra

Your decision to live life in the moment leads to a number of... wait a minute! I haven't finished yet ... come back! When the Celestials urged you to chase your dreams they didn't mean that one, you filthy pervert. If questioned by the police I will deny ever having encouraged you. Sicko.

Scorpio

Consulting a number of horoscopes, you realise that you sign casts for this month vary wildly from source to source. Can they all be right ? Can they all be wrong ? Who can I trust ? Why are you so febrile of mind as to be dependent for direction on the ramblings of a complete stranger with a daft name ? (present company excepted, of course, the real deal here)

Sagittarius

You blame your lack of love, fortune and fame on 'not getting the breaks' : however, it is the fact that you are an inane dullard with the charisma of porridge and a penchant for poor life decisions that drives your fate.Remember, someone has to be at the wrong end of the distribution curve.

Suck it up, plod on and hope for better next time around.

I have said too much.

Capricorn

The Road to Happiness takes many forms , unfortunately yours is based on the M25.

Expect speed restrictions, contraflows and a vague worry that you will end up back where you started.

Aquarius

Avoid peanut butter stout, squeezy cheese in a tube and tall grocers named Keith: they are just wrong on every level. Always have been, always will be. I will brook no argument, this is writ large in the stars. Ignore at your peril.

Pisces

Love is in the air - but, unfortunately, it is due to an over-strength pheromone released from a tanker involved in a Romford car accident. Fuelled by this heady chemical cocktail, your sexual prowess will soar ever higher, if somewhat indiscriminately.

Later you will need to make grovelling apologies and reparations to Great-aunt Doreen, Handsy Andy at the pizza parlour and the local Police Dog Handling Unit, you little devil.

Compiled by lockjaw

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Horoscopes for March by Tinkerballs

Aries

You gran may be bedridden but I advise that you don’t visit her unless accompanied by a lumberjack this month.

Taurus

If you must walk through the forest, may I suggest that you take a decent satnav with you, rather than leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Come on! It’s 2025 for goodness sake.

Gemini

Those of you with porcine characteristics are advised to stay with relations this month. Your jerry-built houses rented from private landlords will not be able to withstand Storm Wolf which is forming in the Atlantic.

Cancer

Times are hard. Food and fuel costs keep rising. However, sending your idiot son to sell your cow at the market can lead to very unexpected events. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you?

Leo

You will wake up naked on the seashore and meet a handsome young man. However, you are not a little mermaid who was given a potion by the Sea Witch so that you can walk among humans. Your drink was spiked in that bar in Benidorm. The only part of the fairy tale that is true for you is that you were legless last night.

Virgo

Hey, princess. No-one is going to believe you caught herpes ‘kissing frogs’ down at the riverbank. Better just ‘fess up.

Libra

A word to the wise: you may feel that your property is secure; what with it being in a castle in the clouds. However, you may find that a sneak thief steals a bag of gold coins, a magical hen that lays golden eggs, and a golden harp. Better install some CCTV before it’s too late

Scorpio

If a swarthy man with a bald head, topknot, bare chest and baggy silk trousers approaches you and offers to grant you three wishes, run away and don’t look back. I shouldn't really need to tell you that!

Sagittarius

You will have a long, surreal conversation with a person in a mirror through the night. The mirror won’t be magic, but the mushrooms you ingested two hour before will have been.

Capricorn

If you share accommodation with seven miners of restricted growth, you would be well advised not to eat any fruit offered to you by a weird old woman. Instead, carry on with your routine and, eventually, I handsome prince will call by, you will fall in love ,and live happily ever after. Just remember that bit about the old woman and the fruit. OK?

Aquarius

You may meet someone who has an unattractive appearance. To such an extent that their friends call them ‘the Beast’. You may try to convince yourself that deep inside they are kind and caring. They won’t be. They are a total arse!

Pisces

Refrain from eating shish kebabs this month. One of the skewers will be one of Rumpledforeskin’s spindles. You will be forced to spin straw into gold forever. What do you mean this sounds like a fairy tale? Do you think I’m making all this stuff up?

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