Horoscopes for September, by The Pilot

Aries

You will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Correction. You will wake up in the wrong bed. That's what you get when you stay at a Travelodge, you chancer!

Taurus

You will meet a tall park ranger - and can you please wear something on your lower half when you go outside?

Gemini

Everyone thinks you are a great deal maker, but are you losing your edge? Others are challenging you and your prowess is fading. Your negotiating tactics may be too well known and allowing your adversaries to outwit you. Your usual bluster won't cut it this time. You can't force a deal by repeatedly saying we've nearly got a deal. So, Gemini, take a good hard look at yourself and try harder. Especially you, Donald.

Cancer

You will feel like you are on top of the world this month: exhausted, frost-bitten, and in need of oxygen.

Leo

You will complete an important project, and will feel dizzy with success. Either that, or your medicines need adjusting again.

Virgo

No, just no ! Leave it and walk away. JUST LEAVE IT. You'll thank me later.

Libra

A paternity test is not a badge of achievement, you rutting fuckwit. Try keeping it in your pants at least to the end of this sentence.

Scorpio

This month, you will come into some money. You filthy pervert! Is there no end to your depravity!

Sagittarius

Yet again, Cupid's darts will fail to make their mark as you continue the search for The One. Is it time for you to make some serious lifestyle changes ? Waking up in a skip having shat yourself is a bit 'out there' for most dating websites.

Capricorn

Be prepared to have your travel plans change frequently this month. Hey, that's what you get for being an emissary for Donald Trump. Could be a long journey or stay at home. Could be a long journey or stay at home …

Aquarius

The people in your neighbourhood think of you as a card. The one that reads 'Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200’.

Pisces

You will be declared a fine physical specimen ... by the vivisection team aboard the Fremtiballian space cruiser.

Contributions from

daveha: Taurus

Deskpilot: Gemini, Leo

Flasharry: Libra, ,Sagittarius, Virgo

lockjaw: Aquarius,Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces

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Horoscopes for August, by Ernest Tyro

Aries

What are your chances of romance this month? Put it this way: you're an amateur bagpipe player in a field of concert pianists.

Taurus

You will be taking a long journey abroad. That extradition request has finally been complied with.

Gemini

You've been through a challenging period of snags and misunderstandings, but things are getting back to normal now. Oil is back over a hundred dollars a barrel, inflation is going back up and Iran is once again attacking ships in the strait of Hormuz and directing missiles at us bases in the gulf. So things are finally back on an even keel at last. Phew!

Cancer

This month you will have skin in the game. Or, to put it another way, you will be undergoing extensive cosmetic surgery.

Leo

You've come to the right place. Proper scientific astrology is NOT AFFECTED by global warming and extreme weather events - unlike some of the other baseless and lame methods of fortune-telling that we can think of. Tea leaves are very inaccurate in hot weather and don't even start me on those fruit teas. Tarot cards can fade and bend in the heat. Examining entrails rapidly becomes very smelly - avoid.

Anyway, where was I? Your forecast for the month: Hot. And sweaty.

Virgo

You finally get that sports car that you always wanted. Great. Now you're a pillock in a sports car.

Libra

You will be offered a two-for-one deal if you get a tattoo of the Ace of Cups next door.

Scorpio

Scrying is the ancient art of starting into a bowl of water to unfocus your eyes so that you can observe meaningful symbols and picture. This month you will spend a lot of time scrying. Hang on. That's a smudge. You will spend a lot of time crying. Sorry.

Sagittarius

You will meet your destiny on the path you take to avoid it. Or, there is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

Capricorn

Life may indeed be like a box of chocolates but keep inhaling them like that and you'll be in line for a gastric band

Aquarius

Great changes are coming. A senior leader will step back to allow young blood to show what it can do. An Oxbridge education always helps, obviously. The new leader will make changes affecting energy, transport and pubs. In the sporting world, an Iberian country will lift the World Cup. You could put money on that. And an -ova will win the women's singles at Wimbledon. Sorry, due to an administrative error this seems to be last month's horoscope, so at this stage you could have expected a higher degree of accuracy.

Pisces

You will get exactly what you want. You know. The special thing. Yes, that's happening.

Contributors

Deskpilot: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Aquarius

Flasharry: Capricorn

Lockjaw: Aries, Taurus, Cancer, Virgo,

SteveB: Libra, Sagittarius, Pisces,

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Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators:

anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/

anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/

Aries

Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto.

Taurus

Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM

Gemini

Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Cancer

OMG! Big yikes for you this month. You’ll be spotted doing something really cheugy with your parents!!

Leo

Don’t be tempted to drag someone in your fam this month. Unless you want to catch their hands. Just vibe. ‘Kay?

Virgo

Don’t get finessed by that new dude. They’re sus. No cap.

Libra

You’ll have a wicked time this month. Looks like you’ll be getting piggy with that bodacious new bestie. Mos’ def!

Scorpio

Someone is going to try and psych you out this month. Just chill. Don’t let them harsh your mellow. They’ll pack it in soon enough. True dat.

Sagittarius

What can I say? You’ll have a bummer of a month. Stay in your crib and catch up on your zeds.

Capricorn

Booyah! Something will come along which will be totally clutch. It will be stellar.

Aquarius

You are going to be a real buzzkill this month, bruh. Don’t be so whack. Otherwise your homies will be telling you to get bent.

Pisces

This month will rock for you brah! Literally, bitchin’ times await. Enjoy to the max.

Image: Lockjaw

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