Horoscopes for July, by Gen Z and Gen X

Those readers who aren't hip to their jive may find help understanding what they are blethering on about with these translatorficators:

anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-z-translator/

anythingtranslate.com/translators/gen-x-translator/

Aries

Bruh, you’re getting delulu. You need to touch grass pronto.

Taurus

Sis, your new amore gives everyone the icks. They need to take several seats. IYKWIM

Gemini

Dude, you’ll be slaying it this month. You’re the main character for sure.

Cancer

OMG! Big yikes for you this month. You’ll be spotted doing something really cheugy with your parents!!

Leo

Don’t be tempted to drag someone in your fam this month. Unless you want to catch their hands. Just vibe. ‘Kay?

Virgo

Don’t get finessed by that new dude. They’re sus. No cap.

Libra

You’ll have a wicked time this month. Looks like you’ll be getting piggy with that bodacious new bestie. Mos’ def!

Scorpio

Someone is going to try and psych you out this month. Just chill. Don’t let them harsh your mellow. They’ll pack it in soon enough. True dat.

Sagittarius

What can I say? You’ll have a bummer of a month. Stay in your crib and catch up on your zeds.

Capricorn

Booyah! Something will come along which will be totally clutch. It will be stellar.

Aquarius

You are going to be a real buzzkill this month, bruh. Don’t be so whack. Otherwise your homies will be telling you to get bent.

Pisces

This month will rock for you brah! Literally, bitchin’ times await. Enjoy to the max.

Image: Lockjaw

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Horoscopes for June, by a Wise Guy

Aries

You will get a big birthday surprise this month. Let’s just say that a Supermax prison isn’t the safest place in the world.

Taurus

You better wake up and smell the coffee, you punkass bitch, or someone’s gonna put a cap in your ass.

Gemini

You think that you’re the capo di tuttu capo in this territory, Donnie, but your craziness is affecting business with other outfits. Time to consider putting your feet up, let the kids run the show. Improve your golf handicap.

Cancer

You may be put under pressure to squeal to the pigs. Bad idea. You don’t want to be part of the next building project. If you get my meaning.

Leo

You will be invited to join an outfit in the garbage business. Remember, this will be a lifetime commitment; and they don’t have a pension play. You may not really have a choice.

Virgo

Micky ‘the Dancer’ thought he would be safe in Witness Protection. He wasn’t. No-one looks good with a Colombian necktie. Kapish?

Libra

It is your capo’s birthday this month. Be sure to give him a generous tribute. You know it make sense.

Scorpio

It is considered bad form to discuss the family business with outsiders. Omertà is the order of the day. Just ask ‘one hand’ Joey.

Sagittarius

A Russian firm will start muscling in on your patch. It’s going to get nasty. Put it this way: there won't be any open coffin funerals in the foreseeable future.

Capricorn

You will feature in a TV documentary series in the future: Gruesome Unsolved Murders.

Aquarius

Your capo has noticed that you have been doing some work ‘off the record’ for another family. Fence jumpers are scum. Be prepared to get a workout. Your new nickname will be ‘hopalong’

Pisces

A lifejacket ain't bullet-proof. Tonight you sleep with the fishes

Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Aries

Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once.

Taurus

The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got on the duvet.

Gemini

A fairly unique set of circumstances will permit you to cancel your Netflix account without a series of cajoling / begging / threatening phone calls, emails and text messages.

Emboldened by your success, you will try a similar process on an old phone contract taken out by you in your daughter's name. You may be pushing your luck there.

Cancer

You will bring tears of laughter to friends and family this month. Maybe cutting your own hair after a bottle and a half of wine wasn't such a great idea. Still, it'll grow back.

Leo

The good news is that you are finally getting the recommended amounts of probiotics, probiotics and fibre in your diet. The bad news is that you should aim at all times to be very close to a toilet.

Virgo

Your predictions this month are 110% true. We can guarantee this as we have been through the due process agreed by the Combined College of Sages, Mystics and Seers. And your predictions were also recommended to you by all your senior advisors, although some of them have since recanted. And we should say that some sections of the press are not convinced either. Anyway, the main predictions are that you will experience dissent, challenges and aggravation at work from friends and foes alike. And you're going to get wiped out in the May elections. Sorry about that, Keir

Libra

In the near future, Oboes will be become an incredibly important part of your life. Prepare now. Ignore the cornet, no matter how tempting, it's just a distraction.

Scorpio

As the Sun enters Scorpio, your love life will begin a distinctly fallow period. Yes, word got around after you were spotted exiting the STD clinic.

Sagittarius

Just because it feels right doesn't mean it is right : and in this case, it is so, so wrong you risk prosecution and worse.

Stop it, stop it right now or I'll pass your details on to the Police and/or local vigilante groups. Disgusting

Capricorn

You will experience a life-changing moment when you meet a tall, dark strangler. No, that's not a spelling mistake. Sorry about that!

Aquarius

A lot of money will  be heading your way this month. Unfortunately, it will be inside an armoured van. I suggest not checking messages on your phone whilst out walking this month.

Pisces

You've been rumbled, your cover is blown. Grab the emergency bag and head for the ferry port. Bon chance.

Contributors

Deskpilot: Aries, Leo, Virgo

Flasharry: Gemini, Pisces,Sagittarius

lockjaw: Aquarius Cancer, Capricorn,

Simonjjames: Libra, Taurus,

Sydalg: Scorpio