Horoscopes for November, by Cat Pillar

Aries

Your future contains nothing. Nothing at all. My predictions are based on examining chicken entrails and they are very clear about the nothing. How was I to know that none of the chickens in Tesco have giblets?

Taurus

You know you can walk with scissors no problem. Try a light jog and work up to running with them. Show the world what you are capable of. Rules are for losers.

Gemini

Halloween may be over, but the horror story is just beginning for you. Someone has spiked your pumpkin coffee. You will be out of your gourd for some time. 

Cancer

As Astra transits through Galaxy, and Mercury passes Polestar on its way towards Infiniti, motor vehicles may be causing you problems.  You may still be puzzling out how to put the hour back on the clock in your car, for example. Or your Tesla may be overheating. Bad news, that's not a battery fault - activists have set fire to your car.

Leo

This month you are 'crazy like a fox'. Correction! You will be bitten by a rabid fox.

Virgo

You will contract athlete's foot this month. This is foretold by the I Ching. Sorry, can't read my own handwriting. This is foretold by the itching.

Libra

They say Hope springs eternal but, unfortunately, this makes no impression on the Fates. Still, it's better than being a miserable sod; and those around you appreciate that. Keep on truckin’!

Scorpio

It is certain. It is decidedly so. Without a doubt. Yes, definitely. You may rely on it. As I see it, yes. Most likely. Outlook good. Yes. Signs point to yes.

Reply hazy, try again. Ask again later. Better not tell you now. Cannot predict now. Concentrate and ask again.

Don't count on it. My reply is no. My sources say no. Outlook not so good. Very doubtful.

- Our predictor is also a very good pool player.

Sagittarius

Remember, remember... Just try to remember anything for a change

Capricorn

Some people have all the luck. In your case, this month you will have zero luck. Look on the bright side: at least it's not bad luck!

Aquarius

A dream will come true this month, it's that one about walking down your old school corridor in your undies. Good luck explaining that!

Pisces

This month you will look up an old friend. That's gotta be an embarassing exam for both of you!.

Authors:

daveha: Sagittarius, Taurus

Deskpilot: Aries, Cancer, Virgo

lockjaw: Aquarius, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo, Libra, Pisces

SteveB: Scorpio

Horoscopes for October, from The Misanthrope

Aries

It's curtains for you this month. That Dunelm order finally gets delivered. A little gaudy for my taste, I have to say.

Taurus

A spontaneous sexual encounter will put the sparkle back in your love life, but will lead to a blanket ban from the Chapel of Rest and ruin any plans for an open coffin wake. You messy pup !

Gemini

You will get a new variant of Shingles this month .... Sorry, my bad! You will buy a new flavour of Pringles. The vibrations from the ether are a little fuzzy at the moment.

Cancer

You feel increasingly out of synch with the world. You notice mince pies are in the shops already, and that Creme Eggs are available all year round, even though they now taste disgusting. CurlyWurlys are much shorter than they used to be and young people don't eat marmalade. Are you actually out of synch with the world, or just hungry?

Leo

The BBC are considering making a short docudrama about you trying to qualify for Strictly Come Dancing. They're going to call it 'Bleedin' Idiot’.

Virgo

Don't forget to put the bins out. When it's your bin day.

Libra

Monopoly money is NOT cryptocurrency. Don't accept it for payment ... unless you are selling a little green plastic house, or a red hotel

Scorpio

Your love life this month can be summed up with one word: meh!

Sagittarius

You can't decide to plan for a skiing weekend in Hochoetz or go camping in Wales. Considering recent 'outages' by NATS, I recommend camping. At least you will have brought an airbed to sleep on. Those airport floors couldn't be described as ‘comfy’.

Scorpio

Your body is a temple. Looks like yours has been de-sanctified and converted into a carpet warehouse. Buck your ideas up, you slob!

Aquarius

You will feel tempted to butter your toast while it is still in the toaster. Never do this. Especially before it has popped.

Pisces

You will be moving desks to be closer to the manager's office. Is that because they will calling upon you to offer some sage advice on complex issues, or is it to monitor how many times a day you slope off for 'a big poo’?

Contributors

Daveha: Aquarius, Virgo

Deskpilot: Cancer

Flasharry: Taurus

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Horoscopes for September, by The Pilot

Aries

You will wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Correction. You will wake up in the wrong bed. That's what you get when you stay at a Travelodge, you chancer!

Taurus

You will meet a tall park ranger - and can you please wear something on your lower half when you go outside?

Gemini

Everyone thinks you are a great deal maker, but are you losing your edge? Others are challenging you and your prowess is fading. Your negotiating tactics may be too well known and allowing your adversaries to outwit you. Your usual bluster won't cut it this time. You can't force a deal by repeatedly saying we've nearly got a deal. So, Gemini, take a good hard look at yourself and try harder. Especially you, Donald.

Cancer

You will feel like you are on top of the world this month: exhausted, frost-bitten, and in need of oxygen.

Leo

You will complete an important project, and will feel dizzy with success. Either that, or your medicines need adjusting again.

Virgo

No, just no ! Leave it and walk away. JUST LEAVE IT. You'll thank me later.

Libra

A paternity test is not a badge of achievement, you rutting fuckwit. Try keeping it in your pants at least to the end of this sentence.

Scorpio

This month, you will come into some money. You filthy pervert! Is there no end to your depravity!

Sagittarius

Yet again, Cupid's darts will fail to make their mark as you continue the search for The One. Is it time for you to make some serious lifestyle changes ? Waking up in a skip having shat yourself is a bit 'out there' for most dating websites.

Capricorn

Be prepared to have your travel plans change frequently this month. Hey, that's what you get for being an emissary for Donald Trump. Could be a long journey or stay at home. Could be a long journey or stay at home …

Aquarius

The people in your neighbourhood think of you as a card. The one that reads 'Go to Jail. Go directly to Jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200’.

Pisces

You will be declared a fine physical specimen ... by the vivisection team aboard the Fremtiballian space cruiser.

Contributions from

daveha: Taurus

Deskpilot: Gemini, Leo

Flasharry: Libra, ,Sagittarius, Virgo

lockjaw: Aquarius,Aries, Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces

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