You will be elected Pope.
You will be dressed up as a medieval drag act.
You will bless the City of Rome and the world.
The US president will call and describe you as "my bitch in the Vatican".
After these festivities, you will spend the rest of your life assisting the Cardinals in finding a rug large enough to sweep all the Catholic church's stuff under.
Happy hunting.
Aries
Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.
Taurus
Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.
Gemini
With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.
This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.
Good luck with either.
Cancer
You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.
Leo
Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.
Virgo
Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!
Libra
The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.
Scorpio
You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.
Sagittarius
Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.
Capricorn
The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.
A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.
Aquarius
Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.
Pisces
Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.
Contributions from
deskpilot: Aries
SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces
FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn
Aries
You will go on a long but perilous journey that will expose you to great danger, so beware ! ... is what I should have said last month. My bad. Still, it has thinned out the herd a bit. Those of you still with us should have a much easier time this month. Probably
Taurus
Nothing of great import to relate, same as last month and the one before that. As a result, next month's Parole Hearing should be a foregone conclusion.
Gemini
By lowering your expectations, you are smashing it on a daily basis. Today is no exception : you will find some small change on the station platform, the lift at work will be waiting for you as you come through the door and you will get the last chocolate digestive on the biscuit plate in that interminable but necessary meeting.
The rest of us will remain baffled by your boundless optimism and sunny disposition, with much speculation about what medication you are on, and where can we get some.
Cancer
An old and trusted confidant has fallen on hard times and needs your support.
To be honest, the bottom of the prediction game has dropped out - can I have a borrow of £20?
Leo
The small hex key you need to tighten up the dining table is in the small blue and white pot on the mantlepiece. This might seem way too specific, but you would be surprised how many people this will help.
Virgo
In the continuing battle of wits that is modern life, it sometimes feels like you are bringing a knife to a gun-fight. However, the Celestials love and cherish you, even if it is as comic relief. Keep your chin up, sunshine, and you'll bimble through as usual.
Libra
Your decision to live life in the moment leads to a number of... wait a minute! I haven't finished yet ... come back! When the Celestials urged you to chase your dreams they didn't mean that one, you filthy pervert. If questioned by the police I will deny ever having encouraged you. Sicko.
Scorpio
Consulting a number of horoscopes, you realise that you sign casts for this month vary wildly from source to source. Can they all be right ? Can they all be wrong ? Who can I trust ? Why are you so febrile of mind as to be dependent for direction on the ramblings of a complete stranger with a daft name ? (present company excepted, of course, the real deal here)
Sagittarius
You blame your lack of love, fortune and fame on 'not getting the breaks' : however, it is the fact that you are an inane dullard with the charisma of porridge and a penchant for poor life decisions that drives your fate.Remember, someone has to be at the wrong end of the distribution curve.
Suck it up, plod on and hope for better next time around.
I have said too much.
Capricorn
The Road to Happiness takes many forms , unfortunately yours is based on the M25.
Expect speed restrictions, contraflows and a vague worry that you will end up back where you started.
Aquarius
Avoid peanut butter stout, squeezy cheese in a tube and tall grocers named Keith: they are just wrong on every level. Always have been, always will be. I will brook no argument, this is writ large in the stars. Ignore at your peril.
Pisces
Love is in the air - but, unfortunately, it is due to an over-strength pheromone released from a tanker involved in a Romford car accident. Fuelled by this heady chemical cocktail, your sexual prowess will soar ever higher, if somewhat indiscriminately.
Later you will need to make grovelling apologies and reparations to Great-aunt Doreen, Handsy Andy at the pizza parlour and the local Police Dog Handling Unit, you little devil.
Compiled by lockjaw
