February Horoscopes by Mystic Max

Aries

The Great Bear is prominent in your chart this month. Resist the urge to streak at work.

Taurus

You will have an absolute belter of a month in February. An absolute corker! Make the most of it because everything goes downhill from there.

Gemini

An unexpected sequence of wardrobe malfunctions on the crowded 07:36 from Shawford has introduced you to a whole new social world, and a much more racy alternative to doing the crossword on the journey. We have obtained pictures and CCTV footage: expect us to contact you soon with regards 'reputation protection’.

Cancer

Great news! You can't put a foot wrong. Everything turns out well.

So if you could pass this on to your next door neighbours, that would be great. They don't read NewsBiscuit.

Thanks for that.

Leo

The Leper-King has wrested the Crown of Sighs from the House of Corrunel. The White Prince challenges the Were-lords of Shaddack whilst the sceptre of Yaros has been found in ruined Elbreth.

Pick the bones out of that if you can - I think it has something to do with your nan's bunions, but I'm pissing in the dark here.

This second-rate sub-"Game of Thrones" parody-bollocks is what passes as celestial guidance these days, honestly, we would be better off with an infinite number of monkeys.

Virgo

Virgos are often described as hardworking and practical, which are qualities that can be beneficial in leadership roles. But only if you don't keep dithering, Keir!

Libra

Stop lying about liking aubergines, it will end up in a 35 year relationship with a Greek man that will be a bit of trial, to be honest.

Scorpio

Being typical of your sign, you are stubborn, headstrong and steer you own course through life.

Make up your own prediction, then ignore it, and save me the bother. Repeat next month. Sorted.

Sagittarius

That million pound lottery ticket that you can't find is in the back pocket of your jeans ... that you put in the wash yesterday. Who knows, you may be lucky twice. It may still be intact. 

Capricorn

A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.

Aquarius

Alas, the tall, dark, handsome stranger coming into your life will be employed by the local Court bailiffs. His brooding good looks and smouldering eyes will not really compensate for the loss of your 80" flat screen TV

Pisces

Your attempt to create a new clothing fashion will flounder badly. No-one is ready for crotchless lambswool biker chaps over spandex on the daily commute. Best stick with shabby chic or, in your case, just shabby.

Authors

Deskpilot: Aries

Flasharry: Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius

Lockjaw: Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Sagittarius, Pisces

Simonjjames: Libra

January Horoscopes, by Nasty Nancy

Aries

Phew! You really put a lot of effort in to enjoying Christmas. Expect your family to stage an intervention over your 'erratic' behaviour in the coming months. It's not all about you, you pig.

Taurus

You are a thoughtful, inquisitive and spiritual person. You are brave, courageous and action oriented. Not only that, but you are also forward-looking, forward-thinking and interested in what the future holds for you. You should trust your intuition and loosen your purse strings to do more of what you want to do. This will be a sound investment in your future.

A longer version of this horoscope is available on our premium service number 09799 696969. Call now. You’re worth it.

Gemini

Romance is in the air, but tread carefully - the blonde from number 11 already thinks you are a bit odd, so don't push your luck. Remember - a Restraining Order is no substitute for true love.

Cancer

You will be described as resembling a Greek god this month. Unfortunately, they will be referring to Hephaestus who possessed physical traits that diverge sharply from the traditional depictions of divine beauty. He had an ugly face, scraggly beard, massive hands, and a limp. Still, he was a craftsman and had inner strength. We can't all be Brad Pitt. And, from what I hear, he probably smelled better than Brad Pitt.

Leo

The most exciting moment for you this month will be when you are involved in 'an unexpected item in the bagging area' incident. That's what you get when you buy items from the middle aisle in LIDL, you crazy MOFO!

Virgo

The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got on the duvet.

Libra

Start 2026 in a no nonsense frame of mind. Don't waste your money signing up for gym classes, spend it on cakes instead.

Scorpio

You find out you have inherited a small fortune from an estranged uncle, but you have to spend it in 30 days to inherit the bulk of his esta ... No, hang on, that's "Brewster's Millions", I must be picking up interference from the Classic Film Channel, there are some crazy atmospherics today. Still, it is slightly more plausible than the tosh I sometimes come up with. Perhaps I need to invest in a new copy of Halliwell.

Sagittarius

You are going to have a bobby dazzler of a year ... in 2027. As for 2026: meh.

Capricorn

No matter where you do and what you do, Dorking will always have happened. Make your peace. Seek acceptance or double down, I don't care which.

Aquarius

The Celestials have taken umbrage at you for some reason, and your reading is shrouded in mist. Whatever is going to happen, it will not be good, so expect smitings, plagues and attacks by mythical creatures: the Celestials are definitely Old School in this respect.

Pisces

So, you had a great Christmas party and then a wonderful break with the family. Marvellous. However, your boss will want a word with you about that young lady you got off with. It turns out, she's his niece who's doing GCSEs this year. Oops. Happy New Year!

Authors

Lockjaw: Aries, Cancer, Leo, Sagittarius

Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra

Flasharry: Gemini, Scorpio, Aquarius

Simonjjames: Virgo, Capricorn

Sinnick: Pisces

Ahoy! deskpilot, FlashArry, simonjjames, Sinnick

December Horoscopes, from the Whether Man

Aries

Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ?

Taurus

The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now.

Gemini

A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience.

Cancer

You will become famous this month. Your face will be shown around the world. Looks like Donald didn't get your name redacted. Shame on him, shame on you!

Leo

Dark, uncertain events cloud your future this month. The words 'plausible deniability' will feature heavily in conversations and correspondence over the next week.Leo

Virgo

If you’re reading this in The Times, then December may feel a little cooler than average; if you read it in The Sun, the YOU’LL FREEZE TO DEATH AND IT’LL BE KEIR STARMER’S FAULT.

Libra

There will be a lot of snow where you live this Christmas. It's your own fault for letting your sister bring 'Cokehead Colin' to stay for the holidays.

Scorpio

Life outside your front door can offer excitement, drama and fulfillment beyond your wildest dreams, you just need to get out there.Netflix isn't everything. Having said that, the new K-drama they are pushing looks a bit tasty …

Sagittarius

You are what you repeatedly do. So maybe you want to think about that one. Eh?

Capricorn

This month you exist in constant fear of your own birthday misfortune, particularly what receiving the gifts of 26 copies of the same stinking royal book says about you.

Aquarius

Financial matters continue to loom large. The state of the economy and the recent budget mean that you must work to put things in order. Everyone is well aware of your predicament and, distressingly, it is much discussed by your colleagues, friends, enemies and media commentators. Now that a high profile event is behind you, it would be wise to concentrate on your performance at work. Try to ignore the nay-sayers. The numbers are bound to improve eventually, that’s just simple probability. Reassure yourself that your boss has expressed ‘full confidence’ in you. Remember, it’s not too late to secure a panto booking, although you will probably be cast as the villain.

Pisces

You will light up the office at the Christmas party this year. Your boss really should have had the lights around the tree PAT tested.

Authors:

Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Scorpio

Simonjjames: Taurus, Sagittarius

SteveB: Gemini, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Cancer, Libra, Pisces

Sinnick: Virgo

Deskpilot: Aquarius

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