Horoscopes for October by 'Krystal Balls'

Aries

You are a committed, passionate and obsessive person. You naturally, therefore, spend a lot of your time following your passions, day and night, every day of the week.

Let’s face it, if that's the best defence you can muster, then you're looking at a custodial sentence.

Taurus

The smell is dog mess. The person who stepped in it was you. The trail you left is awful. It's time to leave the cathedral tour.

Gemini

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. A place on an industry regulatory committee is surely in your grasp.

Cancer

This month, everything will be upbeat and positive for you - but make the most of it : you'll have an absolute shocker of a run into the New Year. Really, really grim. Sorry.

Leo

In your dreams, you are Donald Trump - powerful, iconoclastic, rich and confident. In real life you are Donald Trump - weird hair, bruised hand, incoherent and strangely orange.

Virgo

The arrival of an unexpected bundle of joy will immeasurably change your life. Mostly used £20's and £50's, ask no questions, keep your trap shut, understand ?

Libra

If music be the food of love, you'll be on a strict diet of John Cage's 4' 33" this month

Scorpio

You might be feeling a little but shaky today. Don't worry, crystal meth is a bit jangly on the come down. You'll get used to it. Also, do the lottery this weekend!

Sagittarius

Paradise will call you suddenly. For god's sake, don't answer. It's Colin and he wants you to be his plus one at Sting concert with backstage passes. BEWARE.

Capricorn

Avoid pelicans, the Bosporus and orange food, but not oranges. A man named Keith will being you good news but leave a stain on the hall carpet. The issue with the carp will be resolved, but it will not be what you expected. Lycra products will be your undoing. Literally.

Some months, the Eternals can just be so bloody infuriating and obtuse.

Aquarius

You are ready to stand up and shine. Maybe you'll get that car wash job despite that terrible interview.

Pisces

I was shaken when I skryed your chart. I have asked a friend to check my orbs. Excuse the shaky writing. I’ll have to get back to you on this one.

Authors:

deskpilot : Aries, Leo, Aquarius

simonjjames : Taurus, Sagittarius, Scorpio

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer Virgo, Capricorn

Lockjaw: Libra, Pisces

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Horoscopes for September by Gertrude de Grimoire

Aries

The interview panel will conclude that you are 'the right one'. Sorry. Correction. The interview panel will conclude that you are 'a right one.' Better luck next time.

Taurus

You can solve a difficult family issue if you are prepared to make one final push. How about a family outing to Beachy Head?

Gemini

Your 'holier-than-thou' vegan friend hasn't mentioned they are vegan for over an hour, and is looking very shifty. Check them for bacon residue.

Cancer

You finally accept that your life is a precautionary tale of poor decisions used to deter others from your chosen path. Keep those goals low and struggle to meet them - but remember, the world loves a hapless underdog. We are all rooting for you, even if it is mostly out of morbid curiosity.

Leo

Your beautiful wife is having a passionate affair with a tall, dark handsome stranger. You should go out to find this rogue, for the next hour at least.

Virgo

It's time to up your game. With confidence you can do anything you want - cooking, electrical work, doctoring - anything. Don't let the naysayers stand in your way.

If you know how to solve the migrant crisis then you should shout it from the rooftops. Or, at the very least, you should paint red lines on some mini roundabouts.

Libra

That weird dirty dream you had about Michael Fassbender last night? That will come true if you don't stop eating Haribo sweeties and speaking in those stupid baby voices.

Scorpio

You have a special bond with someone who always 'gets you'. That would be your parole officer.

Sagittarius

Sadly, you and your potential true love are as ships that pass in the night. Furthermore, you are the Titanic.

Capricorn

Remember, wealth cannot buy you health, but you can get a better class of doughnut.

Aquarius

As Mercury aligns with Saturn, it brings cosmic, life-transforming changes for Aquarians. Unfortunately, these are all cancelled out by the results of an obscure by-election in East Grinstead.

Pisces

The world is your oyster. Unfortunately, cosmically, you are allergic to seafood

Contributions from

SteveB : Libra

deskpilot : Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio, 

FlashArry : Gemini, Cancer, Aquarius, Capricorn

Sinnick : Leo

Image: Lockjaw

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Horoscopes for August by Simon the Scryer

Aries

You will be the man about town this month, in that you will be paraded through the streets with a noose around your neck, before the inevitable end. They don't take kindly to people messing with the landowner's daughter in these parts. I advise forgoing that journey to foreign parts

Taurus

You will be knighted. Sorry, you will be benighted. That is to say, you won't have a clue about what will be happening to you this month.

Gemini

Don't be fooled by the person looking back at you in John Lewis. It's a novelty mirror and you really don't have a doppelganger, you utter imbecile. If there were two of you, the end of days would have already occurred. But that doesn't happen until next Tuesday.

Cancer

Suggesting a game of rock, paper, scissors to your mugger will not turn out well for you this month

Leo

Good looks, wealth, impeccable taste. You really must stop staring into posh restaurant windows.

Virgo

Unlucky in love ? Persevere, there is someone out there for everyone, but your current 'plucked-chicken-coated-in-cuprinol' look could be making a mockery of this advice.

Libra

You will be working at a review of a public enquiry into an investigation probing the level of scrutiny of a feasibility study into the scope of the processes and procedures of some cobblers or another. Still, looks like you have employment for at least a few months making the sandwiches for the lunchtime recess. Result!

Scorpio

As an intelligent, questioning Scorpio, you've always wondered if ultra processed foods are really that bad for you.  Good news - your curiosity is about to be satisfied.  Always assuming that St. Peter knows what the answer is.

Sagittarius

The first book in a series of children's books will be dedicated to you. Make what you will of the motive behind 'The Stupid Old Fart’.

Capricorn

A man in a grey suit is haunting your dreams. While you contemplate your current life challenges, the man in the grey suit hovers in the background. Sometimes he offers suggestions but these aren't helpful and he often changes his mind anyway. He is interested in your benefits and pension pot and your savings and you are worried that he will take your purse.

Try not to worry about this. Things will be clarified in the Autumn Statement.

Aquarius

A black cat crossing your path will be the harbinger of a minor but painful incident or injury. If you own a black cat, or a number of black cats, this month will be a particularly trying one for you.

Pisces

Your diligent searching finally achieves the desired result this month. A treasure trove of hedge porn is yours for the taking.

Contributions from

StveB: Gemini

Deskpilot: Scorpio, Capricorn

Flasharry: Virgo, Aquarius

H/Ts to SteveB , deskpilot, FlashArry

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