Horoscopes for March, by Fiery Horse
- Lockjaw
- 2 hours ago
- 2 min read
Aries
You seem to be unaffected by the fallout from the Epstein papers, which leaves you as one of the few uncorrupted individuals east of the Azores. Opportunities may abound, but take care not to get enmeshed in the activities of the next morally reprehensible douchebag waiting in the wings.
Too late …
Taurus
Your astrological chart shows that a time of tremendous change is approaching. This is something to be embraced, not feared. However, if you aren't comfortable with tremendous change, then maybe it's time to figure out Google Pay, and go cashless.
Gemini
Your journey of one thousand miles must begin with a single step. That'll teach you to fly with RyanAir
Cancer
Don't answer the phone for the next 3 times, it will be a man promising you untold riches. He will be lying as it's Clive from work who actually just wants to go for a drink and tell you about his fungal infection.
Leo
You reject the advice of a qualified medical professional, but hang on every word of an online shamanic wanker with a loincloth fetish. Is it any wonder that embarrassing rash never clears up ?
Virgo
Although I'm flattered that you read my prognostications, they shouldn't form the basis of your government's policies, Keir. It’s just a bit of fun.
Libra
Work issues are looming large this month. If you are worried that AI will take your job, then you can relax. It's much more likely that a cheap apprentice will take your job.
Scorpio
As the full moon approaches, you realise your personal problems may not have been as serious as you thought - yeah, you and the other 650 million Scorpions in the world. God, what a way to make a living…
Sagittarius
A free and frank exchange of views should not end with threats to 'chair' the other party.
It is worth considering this during your next performance review.
Capricorn
Your car will cause problems this month and will have a serious oil leak. On the plus side, the oil stain will be in the shape of a rabbit, just like in Small Prophets, and you will get your picture in the local paper. On the minus side, a bounty hunter will recognise your picture, and you will be forced to leave the country for a year or two.
Aquarius
You've never felt that your horoscopes have ever been any good at all, even the vague waffly ones that simultaneously hint at both good and bad news happening soon, quite soon or in the distant future.
Maybe that's because your parents lied about your date of birth? Now why would they do that?? Something for you to think about…
Pisces
A word to the wise: peppercorns. I shall say no more.
Authors
Deskpilot: Taurus, Libra, Aquarius, Capricorn
Flasharry: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Lockjaw: Gemini, Virgo, Pisces
SimonJJames: Cancer
Sydalg: Scorpio
Image: Lockjaw