Satire | NewsBiscuit

Due to the recent defenestration outbreak in Russian and surrounding Oligarch properties, Putin was seen leafing through single story property brochures. Using the excuse that having another floor is a decadent western excess and stairs are for Nazis, Putin wants to always remain at ground level rather than being accelerated into it at 9.81 meters per second. There are only so many trampolines, inflatable ball pits and old mattresses that can be positioned under windows around his dacha before a burnt-out Lada on bricks wouldn’t look out of place.

A source stated that a large dining room for Putin’s preferred table is also essential.

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 28 April 2023

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In the midst of wild celebrations by real football fans at finally achieving a long-standing goal of having an independent regulator of the beautiful game, VAR has intervened once more. A slow impatient build-up led to the promise of someone taking hold of the game by the scruff of the neck. The support for that key player then arrived, creating the golden opportunity to make football better for everyone involved. Back of the net, or so everyone thought.

But the Premier League remain unconvinced that the goal should have ever stood in the first place. Determined to suck the hope out of football fans apart from the armchair ones who support the twenty football clubs that the Premier League consider are worth paying television subscriptions for, they are using the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) system to conspire with the government to take as long as possible to actually do anything.

‘VAR is there to address clear and obvious errors’ explained a Premier League spokesman. ‘And the appointment of someone to address the dodgy club owners, the all-consuming avarice and the blatant self-interest at the expense of the game would clearly and obviously be an error as far as we are concerned.’

Meanwhile, BT Sport have brought in former referee Peter Walton to comment. ‘What they are looking at is whether I will ever manage to have an opinion before the outcome is decided’ he explained. ‘Or whether I will wait until a decision is made and then agree with that.’