AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all banned as racehorse names

The Jockey Club has taken the unusual step of banning some possible names for racehorses to prevent them battling it out in a future Grand National photo finish.

‘We all know life imitates art’, a spokesman said, ‘and we’re frankly pretty f*cking terrified that one day we’ll hear some overexcited commentator describing AI, Global Warming and Atomic War all racing to the finish. I never want to hear ‘. . . . and it’s Global Warming, Global Warming pushing past AI to . . . no, AI has put on a burst and will end the race first!’ ‘

Online gambling companies, no strangers to suicide promotion, have expressed ‘deep disappointment’ at the move. ‘We’re deeply disappointed at the move’, a spokesman said. ‘Still, if punters can’t bet on apocalyptic horses, the least we can do is offer great odds on the apocalypse itself. We’re currently offering 1,000-1 on mankind being eradicated by Atomic War before 2030. You don’t see odds like that every day. Got to be worth a punt’.

In other news, Donald Trump is believed to have placed a massive wager on all three. ‘Donald is the greatest, and possibly the last, President America has ever had’, a spokeswoman said. ‘He intends to go out with a bang. That’s a clue, have a nice day’.

Image: YenniVance - Pixabay

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'Foreign actors' at RAF Fairford revealed as 'French mimes'

Five French mimes - lost on their way home from performing to single digit audiences at the Edinburgh Fringe - have been arrested near RAF Fairford in Gloucestershire. Police said they did not resist arrest, voluntarily placing themselves inside a glass case of emotion, whilst visibly sobbing into an impossibly long string of handkerchiefs knotted together.

Suspiciously however, the mimes have refused to speak to the police.

Donald Trump posted online that he had 'personally kung fu kicked the terrorists... so many terrorists', before alleging that 'Swindon is the home of jihad' and announcing that he would 'annihilate' it - a proposal with a surprisingly high level of support amongst local residents, who would welcome the sweet release of death.

Startled awake from a nap, Trump claimed he had blockaded the Bristol Channel - although it was unclear if this was a euphemism.

Image: PublicDomainPictures - Pixabay

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Horoscopes for October, from The Misanthrope

Aries

It's curtains for you this month. That Dunelm order finally gets delivered. A little gaudy for my taste, I have to say.

Taurus

A spontaneous sexual encounter will put the sparkle back in your love life, but will lead to a blanket ban from the Chapel of Rest and ruin any plans for an open coffin wake. You messy pup !

Gemini

You will get a new variant of Shingles this month .... Sorry, my bad! You will buy a new flavour of Pringles. The vibrations from the ether are a little fuzzy at the moment.

Cancer

You feel increasingly out of synch with the world. You notice mince pies are in the shops already, and that Creme Eggs are available all year round, even though they now taste disgusting. CurlyWurlys are much shorter than they used to be and young people don't eat marmalade. Are you actually out of synch with the world, or just hungry?

Leo

The BBC are considering making a short docudrama about you trying to qualify for Strictly Come Dancing. They're going to call it 'Bleedin' Idiot’.

Virgo

Don't forget to put the bins out. When it's your bin day.

Libra

Monopoly money is NOT cryptocurrency. Don't accept it for payment ... unless you are selling a little green plastic house, or a red hotel

Scorpio

Your love life this month can be summed up with one word: meh!

Sagittarius

You can't decide to plan for a skiing weekend in Hochoetz or go camping in Wales. Considering recent 'outages' by NATS, I recommend camping. At least you will have brought an airbed to sleep on. Those airport floors couldn't be described as ‘comfy’.

Scorpio

Your body is a temple. Looks like yours has been de-sanctified and converted into a carpet warehouse. Buck your ideas up, you slob!

Aquarius

You will feel tempted to butter your toast while it is still in the toaster. Never do this. Especially before it has popped.

Pisces

You will be moving desks to be closer to the manager's office. Is that because they will calling upon you to offer some sage advice on complex issues, or is it to monitor how many times a day you slope off for 'a big poo’?

Contributors

Daveha: Aquarius, Virgo

Deskpilot: Cancer

Flasharry: Taurus

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