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Andy Burnham already tieless


It took Keir Starmer a whole year to realise that undoing his top button is all it takes to be a great Prime Minister. Burnham has wasted no time in identifying dad jeans as the quickest route to solving the UK’s debt crisis. His entire economic strategy fits on a Post-it note: "Wear rectangular glasses. Look concerned. Repeat."


Officials estimate that if sleeve-rolling generated electricity, the country would achieve energy independence within the week. Burnham’s approval ratings rise sharply whenever cameras capture him looking thoughtfully at infrastructure he has no intention of fixing. And his vision of leadership is to look exactly like an ordinary Joe arriving to solve a crisis, then quietly blending into the crowd before any work starts.


Every policy proposal is subjected to a rigorous three-stage review: Could it work? Might it help? Better not risk it. The new PM insists that all sleeves must be rolled up - literally, not metaphorically. And that black shirts are slimming, as is the austerity he will be continuing.



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Image: ChatGPT


Farage experiments with deerstalker


Celebrity gold enthusiast and part-time politician Nigel Farage has added a deerstalker and magnifying glass to his selection of weird costumes. The sartorial switch comes after Farage appointed himself as ‘consulting detective’ on the Ann Widdecombe case.


‘We can’t trust the police, that’s obvious’ said a supporter. ‘They’re biased against white people. Only Nigel can bring the objectivity needed to find the black or brown person who committed this terrible crime’.


The tragic murder of an old woman couldn’t have come at a better time for Farage, briefly displacing a talking bin in the news cycle. It isn’t clear who will play Watson to his Holmes – Lee Anderson has the imbecilic naivete but not the social class, Sarah Pochin is a woman and Zia Yusuf  - well, let’s leave it there, shall we? Robert Jenrick auditioned for the role but got distracted by a passing ice cream van and was last seen chasing it while painting over the cartoon characters.


If Farage succeeds in catching the killer he may face a dilemma – fight crime or remain leader of Reform? There’s an obvious conflict of interest.



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Image: ChatGPT

I’ll make everybody a non-dom, says Nadhim Zahawi



In the latest tax cutting pledge from a Tory leadership hopeful, Nadhim Zahawi has said he’ll make everybody in the UK a non-dom if he becomes Prime Minister.


“It is the best way I know of to lower your personal tax bill,” he said. “This move will help ordinary working families with millions, or even billions, held in a low-tax offshore jurisdictions.”


The move immediately caused Sajid Javid to back Mr Zahawi’s campaign.


It also led to a big argument in the Sunak household about who was the best candidate.


image from pixabay


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First published 14 Jul 2022


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