- apepper
- 3 hours ago
Nigel Farage has decided to announce his resignation as an MP, triggering another by-election.
'The establishment, police, fraud office, an ex-wife, everyone who's every worked with me have been out to get me but I've discovered that while I'm standing in a by-election, the kangaroo court comprised of other MPs can't examine my entirely innocent donation, er gift, er security payment from an overseas crypto billionaire so my plan is to spend the time up to the next general election resigning and being re-elected an MP.
'So, vote for me in October, December, February - in fact every three months for the next two years. Clever is not the word.'
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The government has demonstrated it is listening to the woes of the UK population, and has promised to take action to limit increases in rail fares, golf club membership fees, the price of Chianti, and other things that middle-class Conservative voters often spend money on.
'We are very aware of the opinion poll, sorry, cost of living crisis,' said Marjorie Runcorn, Minister for August, "and these decisive steps will make sure that Just About Managing Very Nicely families - and, if necessary, those without children too - will not personally feel the pinch. We are confident that this should help the party - sorry, the country - get through the winter.'
Asked if she might follow the lead of Greater Manchester and also cut bus fares, Ms Runcorn said that actually reducing the price of anything was not government policy, and that personally she had no interest in a transport mode that is only used by "common people who hardly vote"; a sentiment that she later clarified really meant "valued Red Wall Conservatives".
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First published 16 Aug 2022
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