Horoscopes for May, by the wise old woman of the woods

Aries

Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once.

Taurus

The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got on the duvet.

Gemini

A fairly unique set of circumstances will permit you to cancel your Netflix account without a series of cajoling / begging / threatening phone calls, emails and text messages.

Emboldened by your success, you will try a similar process on an old phone contract taken out by you in your daughter's name. You may be pushing your luck there.

Cancer

You will bring tears of laughter to friends and family this month. Maybe cutting your own hair after a bottle and a half of wine wasn't such a great idea. Still, it'll grow back.

Leo

The good news is that you are finally getting the recommended amounts of probiotics, probiotics and fibre in your diet. The bad news is that you should aim at all times to be very close to a toilet.

Virgo

Your predictions this month are 110% true. We can guarantee this as we have been through the due process agreed by the Combined College of Sages, Mystics and Seers. And your predictions were also recommended to you by all your senior advisors, although some of them have since recanted. And we should say that some sections of the press are not convinced either. Anyway, the main predictions are that you will experience dissent, challenges and aggravation at work from friends and foes alike. And you're going to get wiped out in the May elections. Sorry about that, Keir

Libra

In the near future, Oboes will be become an incredibly important part of your life. Prepare now. Ignore the cornet, no matter how tempting, it's just a distraction.

Scorpio

As the Sun enters Scorpio, your love life will begin a distinctly fallow period. Yes, word got around after you were spotted exiting the STD clinic.

Sagittarius

Just because it feels right doesn't mean it is right : and in this case, it is so, so wrong you risk prosecution and worse.

Stop it, stop it right now or I'll pass your details on to the Police and/or local vigilante groups. Disgusting

Capricorn

You will experience a life-changing moment when you meet a tall, dark strangler. No, that's not a spelling mistake. Sorry about that!

Aquarius

A lot of money will  be heading your way this month. Unfortunately, it will be inside an armoured van. I suggest not checking messages on your phone whilst out walking this month.

Pisces

You've been rumbled, your cover is blown. Grab the emergency bag and head for the ferry port. Bon chance.

Contributors

Deskpilot: Aries, Leo, Virgo

Flasharry: Gemini, Pisces,Sagittarius

lockjaw: Aquarius Cancer, Capricorn,

Simonjjames: Libra, Taurus,

Sydalg: Scorpio