Having abandoned abandoning conversion therapy in the UK, the government aims to convert conversion therapy into Tory conversion therapy. The magic money tree will be shaken hard enough to allow the programme to roll out immediately and nationwide, especially in marginal constituencies. Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said: ‘When you are responsible for as much sleaze, unnecessary suffering and death as we are, how else do you ensure a Conservative landslide at a general election? Apart...

A BBC spokes-apologist said 'Like unnecessarily harrowing public information films, historic sex offences used to take place in the 1970s. However time has passed and you are old. Bands that were played unironically on Radio 1 are now being played unironically on Radio 2. Similarly, DJs that were sex criminals working at Radio 1 have now become sex criminals working at Radio 2. You may not like it, but like S Club 7, historical sex crimes can now have taken place in the 2000s.' Elsewhere, one...

Stretching many to breaking point, various media platforms have pledged to tell only the truth - as a ‘hilarious’ prank - on 1st April. Unable to use any of their regular programming, Fox News will show ‘Test Card F’ - the girl and creepy clown doll playing noughts and crosses because, presumably, every else is dead. A Fox News spokesman said ‘Post-apocalyptic horror is our jam anyway. The girl is white, so our viewers will be in their comfort zone.’ Every professionally furious gammonati...