Chancellor of the Exchequer John Healey has enraged Secretary of Defence John Healey by refusing to raise defence spending to 3% of GDP. Healey's offices clarified - again - that Dennis Healey died in 2015, before issuing parallel statements: 'I cannot support my own policy that I completely support. Therefore I must resign in an attempt to force my own resignation thus supporting whatever it was. If that doesn't work, I'll try the opposite. Sorry, what was the question?' 'Look, there's only...

As invisible as the rest of the Emperor’s new clothes, the 'energy price cap' is set to enter the dictionary alongside other more established phrases that mean useless. Like ‘levelling up’ or ‘Liz Truss’. A Conservative spokesman made it rain in the club before shouting ‘Listen to me, peasants! Wear your energy price caps at a jaunty angle and let the good times roll, baby! Or alternatively, pair your energy price cap with some concrete boots and get drowned by debt! This Conservative...

The return of Harry and Meghan to the UK is not news, but that hasn't stopped it being treated like news. But it is not news. Pearl clutching Daily Mail readers across the UK – especially in the Home Counties – have been furious about this non-news. However, many are also secretly relieved, with some even quietly fist pumping and Nazi saluting in celebration. 'It's just not the same when she's in America,' trilled one openly racist woman. 'When Meghan is here in the UK, I can hate her...