The government has completed a magnificent streak - a streak the likes of which might've given the crowds something to appreciate at the cricket. Five hundred policies in a row, every single one of them perfectly pitched dead centre. Dead centre in the Venn diagram intersection between fruitloop unworkable, downright illegal, and bed-shittingly destructive. 'Appeasing Conservative backbench bloodlust is one thing,' parped a Downing Street spokes-bugler. 'We just pluck anything out of the...

In a move widely acknowledged as the silliest thing since Jacob Rees-Mogg tried to get all metric units arrested for being gay, The Times newspaper editorial has pulled a story so exclusive that only a couple of other publications had already run it. A spokes-snitch for the Times explained for twenty pence and half a packet of Rothmans, 'In their infinite wisdom, they forgot how print newspapers work. Turns out it's not as easy as just hitting a delete key and having all the printed copies...

Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling. 'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on...