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Government to open 1100 new hospital wards



Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.


'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'


The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.


The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals.


Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones.  ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’  ‘Yes, fine.’


The new initiative will allow pharmacists to look at rashes on sensitive parts of the body, criticise personal hygiene and sexual proclivities, and to undertake minor procedures like colonoscopies, or, in emergencies, to deliver babies or remove a ruptured appendix.


‘It’s all very well,’ says Max Strength, a chemist from Bolton, ‘but my treatment room is only the size of a phone box.  Flu jabs are okay, as I don’t need to do the paperwork in the treatment cupboard.  For other procedures, there’s no room for undressing, so people would have to do that outside.  So I’m well-equipped to do standing up procedures, but nothing more adventurous.


‘I don’t see why I need to look at embarrassing rashes.  The current system works perfectly fine – you text a picture to the GP receptionist.  She looks it up on Google, or, if it’s alarming enough, posts it on some WhatsApp groups.  And she gets back to you with some treatment options and/or directions to A&E.’


The government expects the initiative to reduce waiting lists by up to 20%, mainly because many people would rather die than discuss their problems with their chemist.



Turmeric under unreasonable pressure to fix all ailments


Jars of turmeric are feeling the pressure from people who read adverts in magazines uncritically to sort out their dodgy back, stop them going bald, help them see better in the dark and restore their libido to that of a teenager.


A jar of turmeric sighed, ‘We can make things yellow and taste a bit spicy but we’ve got no proof we can do all the other stuff and it’s embarrassing us. We don’t want to waste people’s money. There is no good evidence that we have these health benefits. We’d love to be able to say we’re a wonder cure for anything that ails you but we most probably aren’t. Admittedly it’s much, much easier to buy some pills made of us after seeing an ad in your gardening magazine than it is to see your GP and get some drugs which have been tested in clinical trials and approved for use in the NHS. We won’t do you any harm but any good we do is likely to be coincidence and wishful thinking. Enjoy our jolly bright colour and our taste though and we hope you feel better soon’.



Image from Pixabay by NirmalSarkar



First published 9 May 2022


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