top of page
Search

Burnham to increase Tooth Fairy payments




Last night, new heartthrob PM, Andy Burnham revealed plans to level out Tooth Fairy payments to gap-mouthed pre-teens.


"For too long this country has been running a two tier system," he told reporters. "Wealthy children have been receiving much higher payments for their milk teeth than their working class counterparts. It is unfair that this postcode lottery gets a child living below the breadline 50 pence for a tooth, whereas the kids in the nice houses near the park get notes. The Tories should never have privatised this industry and re-nationalisation of the Tooth Fairy will happen during the next Parliament." 


Mr Burnham refused to take questions but did leave journalists with this comment: "And don't even get me started on Father Christmas"


A spokesperson for Tooth Fairy plc said that shareholders would fight any attempt to renationalise the service, adding that "the fairy pays for quality, and pristine, white teeth fetch a lot more on the open market than the brown rotten teeth from the kids who live in the flats."



Why not join our WhatsApp channel, NewsBiscuit Daily Posts? You can access the latest output from NewsBiscuit and share posts easily with friends, family and colleagues using WhatsApp. Get some biscuits in your pocket (sorry about the crumbs, though) by clicking here.

Government to open 1100 new hospital wards



Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.


'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'


The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.


The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Pharmacists to perform minor operations

Pharmacies in England with a treatment room will soon be able to perform minor operations to help speed up care and ease pressure on GPs and hospitals.


Pharmacists can currently prescribe medication for some common medical conditions, mostly the embarrassing ones.  ‘Extra large tube of haemorrhoid cream for Mrs Higgins?’  ‘Yes, fine.’


The new initiative will allow pharmacists to look at rashes on sensitive parts of the body, criticise personal hygiene and sexual proclivities, and to undertake minor procedures like colonoscopies, or, in emergencies, to deliver babies or remove a ruptured appendix.


‘It’s all very well,’ says Max Strength, a chemist from Bolton, ‘but my treatment room is only the size of a phone box.  Flu jabs are okay, as I don’t need to do the paperwork in the treatment cupboard.  For other procedures, there’s no room for undressing, so people would have to do that outside.  So I’m well-equipped to do standing up procedures, but nothing more adventurous.


‘I don’t see why I need to look at embarrassing rashes.  The current system works perfectly fine – you text a picture to the GP receptionist.  She looks it up on Google, or, if it’s alarming enough, posts it on some WhatsApp groups.  And she gets back to you with some treatment options and/or directions to A&E.’


The government expects the initiative to reduce waiting lists by up to 20%, mainly because many people would rather die than discuss their problems with their chemist.



bottom of page