Following the historic passage of the Tobacco and Vapes Bill – which promises that anyone born after 2008 will remain as fresh as a dew-covered organic kale leaf – and the Terminally Ill Adults Bill, the government has clarified the new rules on choosing how to shuffle off this mortal coil.
While you are now strictly forbidden from opting for a slow, smoky death via a packet of Lambert & Butler, you are warmly invited to select a quick, dignified one via the NHS – provided, of course, you don’t turn up to the consultation smelling of fags.
Officials insist the two policies are “entirely unrelated” and that any suggestion they form a macabre two-for-one offer is “deeply unhelpful”.
Sir Reginald Ponsonby-Smyth MP (Con) admitted he was “a bit muddled” during the marathon voting session.
'I thought I was voting for the Right to Die for everyone,” he said, “but it turns out I accidentally voted to ban Silk Cut for teenagers. Now I’ve got a constituent who wants to end it all because he can’t get a vape, but the new law says he has to wait until he’s terminally ill from something other than the stress of not being allowed to smoke. It’s a Catch-22. Or is it a Catch-20? I can’t remember – I’ve had a very long lunch.'
We spoke to 17-year-old Jake from Grimsby, who has embraced the legislation in the spirit it was clearly intended.
“I had to bin the strawberry-mojito-unicorn vapes ’cause they’re "dangerous’ or summat” he said, hacking away like a dying lawnmower. 'So now I’ve gone proper onto 40-a-day unfiltered Woodbines I find round the back of the bingo hall. But now I’m gonna have to give them up as well, innit. Dunno what I’ll do next – probably smoke weed or crack, whichever one’s cheaper round here. Bare grim either way.'
A spokesperson for the Ministry for Living Longer Whether You Like It Or Not (MLLWYLION) was keen to stress the elegant simplicity of the new regime.
'It’s very straightforward,' she said. 'We can’t have people going around dying willy-nilly. What if it catches on and everyone starts doing it? Where would we be then? No, we need a nice orderly British death where you wait in a proper queue for your turn. Smoking causes cancer, and cancer leads to death. We cannot have people choosing death via a retail transaction. That’s unregulated. If you want to die, you must do it through the proper channels: smoke-free, ideally after completing a 12-week ‘Healthy Living’ seminar, and with all the correct paperwork in triplicate.'
To sweeten the deal, the government is launching the “Final Choice” Nectar Card. Every salad purchase or government-approved treadmill session earns points towards a 10% discount on your Dignity Clinic departure package. However, one McDonald’s meal voids the entire warranty and triggers an immediate referral to the lifestyle coaching team.
The new Universal Health Pass now monitors every “Sin Purchase”. Buying a pack of bacon triggers an automatic 4am wellness check from a government drone. Ordering a third Big Mac in a month locks your Netflix account to nothing but The Biggest Loser reruns. And betting on the Grand National is only permitted if you’re simultaneously crunching a stick of raw celery to offset the cortisol.
The logical endpoint is the Mandatory Health Incarceration Scheme. Under-20s caught with a cigarette are now being sent to Category A prisons “for their own protection”.
'It’s the safest place for them,' said a Home Office official. 'Once inside, they are completely protected from the dangers of passive smoking and saturated fats. Admittedly, they are becoming addicted to high-strength synthetic spice and have a 40% chance of being shanked over a dispute involving a smuggled KitKat, but from a purely cardiovascular perspective, their stats have never looked better. They’ll leave prison – or be carried out – with the lungs of a marathon runner.'
A government source later added, off the record: “Look, we’re not monsters. We’re just making sure that if you’re going to die, you do it properly. And quietly. In an orderly queue. And after you’ve eaten your five-a-day.”
