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Thousands need hospital treatment after lockdown injuries


New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





First published 3 Jan 2022


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Nationalising the railways is a Trolley Problem

The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."


And if we pull the lever?


"What lever, there is no lever. Like I said, it's just death, greed and delays."


But what about the other track with all the nice stuff?


"Oh, that just runs parallel. It's what France and Germany get, by siphoning off all the profits from your $hit one."


He said he would be suggesting a similar Trolley Problem for the NHS, where one option is for your nan to actually have a trolley to lay on and the other has her on tarmac in the carpark.


"The important thing is for people to realise there is no lever, no option B. There is no ethical dilemma, because there are no ethics."


One voter said he couldn’t wait to pull the lever to vote for a different government. The PM chuckled: "Oh, you think there'll be a lever once I'm finished?"



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