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Boris Johnson has told Cabinet colleagues that he wants a return to headlines about unimportant people dying abandoned and alone in their homes and bodies piling high in the wider community rather than more damaging headlines like Parytgate and wallpaper. The PM hopes ending Covid restrictions early will see a dramatic increase in hospitalisations, acute illness and record numbers of people dying from the virus and distract people away from more serious matters like his dwindling support within the Tory party.


Sources close to government say Mr Johnson has become increasingly concerned about his plummeting popularity in recent weeks and is seeking ways to change the negative narrative surrounding his failure to obey his own lockdown rules. ‘The PM would like to see a return to those heady days when all the small talk was about spiralling death rates across the UK, fraudulent PPE claims and a crippled NHS facing collapse…..he would die for upbeat headlines like that right now rather than these constant personal attacks about his behaviour during lockdown and his suitability for high office.


The headlines about people dying of Covid related illness were everywhere at one time and did take up a bit of his time….but he actually takes these headlines about his popularity seriously and wants them sorted. We think ending Covid restrictions earlier than expected will have the desired effect. It stands to reason that if your nan is fighting for her life after being admitted to hospital following a new wave of Covid you are more likely to be concerned about that than how much wine Boris chugged at on of his work events or whether he and Carrie prefer dancing to Abba or the Bee Gees.


'Ending restrictions early and seeing news footage of people on respirators dying in hospitals will help Boris bury those negative headlines once and for all’.




First published 11 Feb 2022


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New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





First published 3 Jan 2022


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The Prime Minister explained: "On one track is a well-funded service, safe and efficient. And on the other track is just $hit. A huge pile of fetid crap."


And if we pull the lever?


"What lever, there is no lever. Like I said, it's just death, greed and delays."


But what about the other track with all the nice stuff?


"Oh, that just runs parallel. It's what France and Germany get, by siphoning off all the profits from your $hit one."


He said he would be suggesting a similar Trolley Problem for the NHS, where one option is for your nan to actually have a trolley to lay on and the other has her on tarmac in the carpark.


"The important thing is for people to realise there is no lever, no option B. There is no ethical dilemma, because there are no ethics."


One voter said he couldn’t wait to pull the lever to vote for a different government. The PM chuckled: "Oh, you think there'll be a lever once I'm finished?"



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