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Government to open 1100 new hospital wards



Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.


'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'


The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.


The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'


Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’



NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



First published 20 April 2023


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