NHS to emulate ‘zero customers: 100% target’ triumph of air travel industry

Hard-pressed NHS services are planning to follow the lead of British Airways and Heathrow Airport, where restricting would-be holidaymakers to a holding pattern 30 miles from the nearest runway has led to an impressively improved (non)customer experience through check-in and security.

‘It came to me on an attempted weekend break to Nice,’ explained NHS Head of Logistics Tom Reduced-Means. ‘After what we thought was a very reasonable 9 hours queuing outside Gatwick short stay, we realised we were simply orbiting Bluewater Shopping Centre. Thinking we might as well try there, we enjoyed a lovely weekend sunning ourselves in the Build-A-Bear store window.

‘Returning home so refreshed gave me the idea. Who wants to spend 12 hours in an idling Bedford Bambi outside A&E, followed by 3 days on a corridor trolley being elbowed by every gasping cadaver being turned back from theatre for the fifth time? Much nicer for anorexia patients to be redirected to a nearby Harvester, or melanoma sufferers to their local tanning salon, where they can enjoy a lovely break getting upbeat texts celebrating the zero minutes’ waiting time and, possibly linked but equally inspiring, 0% death rate at their local hospital.

‘It means missing the final joy of a hospital stay - revengefully bedblocking past all recovery and decency - but if initial trials go well, we may let Priority Patience customers into hospital lobbies to marvel at the archaic pricing in the cobwebbed Boots concession - still 800% above current inflation! Those upgrading to Very Outpatient Premium can hang about the cracked concrete forecourt to their hearts’ content.

‘With no staff or patients, people-watching opportunities will be somewhat reduced: no dead-eyed, dressing-gowned wraiths clutching a drip stand and greedily forcing a Berkeley Menthol through their tracheostomy. But fishing dog ends out of the gutter still makes for a smashing day out, with a lovely souvenir to distract from your suppurating spleen.’

First published 17 Aug 2022

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NHS cyber attack confirmed as being written on post-it notes

'We found the notes stuck inside the patient files, with all the important pages removed and just yellow sticker saying "pay £15Billion or you will never get Billy Jones' results back",' said an NHS security consultant today. 'There must have been thousands of files with the notes removed. Not all mentioned Billy, obvs.'

His colleague working across the desk on 111 cyber security confirmed that the back-up floppy disc had been 'waved over a magnet or something' and had the all-telling post-it note attached. 'We'd send everyone an email if we had an IT system,' said the consultant, 'and when I went to the semaphore cupboard to implement our fallback system, both flags had post-it notes on - totally unusable.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

First published 13 Aug 2022

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Government makes new offer to junior doctors

The Health Secretary has said that he won't negotiate with doctors on pay, but that he can look at other areas, such as working conditions.

Wes Streeting is now expected to offer junior doctors a new service to help them find well paid jobs abroad.

'It's widely known that the NHS is losing doctors to other countries,' said a spokesman.  'Many doctors can double their salaries in Australia and benefit from better weather and better beaches, although the downsides include poisonous spiders and aggressive cricket fans.

'Our new government-backed scheme will help doctors who think they are underpaid to find a bigger paycheck.  We aim to help the most militant and strike prone doctors to fulfil their potential by working somewhere else, like Gaza, perhaps.  We reckon they'll miss the dynamic environment of the NHS, by which I mean too many patients, not enough doctors, and ever-changing policies.

We are happy to support this new service because our research shows that most doctors who go abroad will be back within two weeks.  I wonder if Thomas Cook were the right people to do that work?'

Photo by Usman Yousaf on Unsplash