Mars Rover now better supported than NHS computer systems

Following reports that NASA have 'got around to updating' its Mars Rover operating system, only 18 years since the last update, tech experts in the NHS have considered following suit. 'We knew our Windows 98 software was in need of an update and felt the systems were in danger of being hacked by Nigerian fraudsters,' said a NASA spokesman today, 'so we uploaded the 2004 April patch. It took hours, not because Mars is so far away, but because, well, it's Windows.'

IT experts working for the NHS have concluded that such an update is possible. 'If we update the central server to a Pentium and fit a CD drive we might be able to load Windows 95,' said one expert, musing if the updated spec would be compatible with the industry standard Spectrum computers. 'We might even consider fitting monitors as well, given the ticker-tape machines are wearing out a bit,' he added.

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Neighbours furious with NHS worker as it turns out he's a bit of an arse

Neighbours of NHS worker, Colin Wheatley, are furious that their "local hero" is a total dick.

Colin, 37, of Moseley, an NHS nurse with 12 years experience has really disappointed local residents with his grumpy disposition and ignorant manners.

"I can't believe it" Brian Wells told our reporter. "He moved in just as lockdown started and we were all really proud to have a proper, real NHS nurse living on our street. We were out there every Thursday, banging our pots and pans and clapping like there's no tomorrow, just for him."

"We were so excited and proud. We were scared to leave the house and there he was, every day, bravely going off to save lives. A true hero. Then it all went wrong. My kids kicked their ball over his fence a few times and he asked them to stop doing it. They're just kids. Grumpy bugger!"

Ivy Reynolds told us, "I would wave my rainbow flag at him as he passed my house and I even baked a pie for him. My grandchildren even chalked "NHS Hero" on the pavement outside his house. But then everything changed. One day he knocked over my bin with his car and another time, last summer. he was playing really loud music in his garden. This was only a week after he complained about my grandkids making too much noise in the garden because he was on nights."

""I bloody clapped for you!" I told him but he wasn't even listening. He's become a real nightmare."

Mr Wheatley was unavailable for comment.