Following the success of their asteroid smashing experiment, controllers based at the Johns Hopkins University Applied Physics Laboratory (JHU-APL) say they will now turn their attention to the rock-like substance that lies between Kwasi Kwarteng’s ears. Space agency executive Dr. Doris Glazier admitted they were not sure if the Kwarteng impact would be as successful as the deep space collision, but they would at least give it a go. ‘The DART probe only had to travel seven million miles to...

Influencers across the UK are saying that any unit sent into battle to represent UK interests overseas will have the best skin care regime of any fighting force ever assembled. Mz Kola Jean, a 23 year old influencer from Romford who is now based in Dubai says there is no excuses for any of the armed forces to go into battle with poor skin quality or split ends. ‘If lower ranking members of the British army follow my daily skin care regime and keeps up a healthy hair routine then they will go...

Promoters for the long-awaited heavyweight decider between Tyson Fury and Anthony Joshua say the two boxers will enter the ring on mobility scooters. Big fight stalwart Ted Hearnes said a specially prepared ramp with a low-profile threshold bridge will help keep the boxers safe from toppling over as they access the ring from the arena floor. The new ring-side ropes will be made of eco-friendly multi-filament polypropylene. It is thought traditional ropes made from heavy-duty steel cable...