Vandals in the Lincolnshire town town of Grantham have been heavily criticised for the time it took them to deface a bronze statue of Margaret Thatcher, when two whole hours had dragged by before people eventually started throwing eggs at the 15ft monstrosity. Egg thrower Jason Beesley later apologised for not defacing the monument sooner but said it had been installed early on a Sunday morning and it had been difficult to source objects to throw at the former prime minister. ‘Sorry mate’...

Health Secretary Wes Streeting insisted he only spent 20 minutes with the Prime Minister at Downing Street yesterday morning because he needed to take a dump. Streeting said the impromptu call was a result of a particularly spicy prawn jalfrezi that had triggered a violent bowel movement soon after leaving the house. ‘Me and a couple of mates stopped off for a few beers on the way home from work and ended up in the local curry house’ said Wes ‘…..it absolutely trashed my insides this morning....

Security forces had no choice but to release the armed man who attempted to assassinate US President Donald Trump after he claimed he was only trying to bring about ‘regime change’ at the head of US politics. The gunman pointed out that either killing or kidnapping elected leaders of foreign countries was exactly how the USA chose to bring about regime change at the top and was only following Donald Trump’s lead. After a brief discussion behind closed doors White House officials concluded the...