Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction. Innocent of her estranged husband’s financial scandal, has not stopped tabloids speculating she’d escaped a maximum security stockade in 1972. Many found it odd that as Deputy First Minister, she oversaw health policy and the covert welding of milk tankers into escape vehicles.

During the failed 2014 independence referendum, she insisted ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. And as First Minister, she refused to travel by air, telling aides, ‘I ain’t gettin' on no plane, fool, not even for COP26’. MSPs complained that every infrastructure briefing somehow ended with her unveiling a homemade tank disguised as a community centre.

Constituents seeking access to government were quietly advised, that they could bribe her husband, ' - and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find his sort code... maybe you can hire the First Minister.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive