Peter Murrell to be represented by his lawnmower

Disgraced former Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, will be represented in court by his lawnmower.

Murrell bought the £3,070 robot lawnmower and recorded the cost in the SNP accounts as 'legal fees'. He is now aiming to prove that the description is genuine and not incorrect by bringing the lawnmower to court, and using it to make his case.

Critics regard this as a bad move. They believe that the lawnmower will probably grass up Murrell. At best, it is likely to cut corners. As a robot lawnmower, it will be unable to think outside the box.

The judge, in a misjudged remark, said that the lawnmower would probably make a better job of cutting the defendant's hair.

Image: Yarbo Global (@yarboinc) | Unsplash Photo Community

Rochdale Man Tells Of His Heartbreak Over Reform Rejection

A semi-literate Rochdale man has broken his silence over the heartbreak of failing to be selected as a Reform candidate in the local elections.

Ian Kerlot, 37, took the unusual step of pleading his case by writing an open letter to Nigel Farage, reproduced below.

'Deer Mr Fromage

I wanna be a counseler or a mp for refom coz I beleve we have to stop the boats and stop forreners taiking are jobs a claming benefits. I didnt go to scool much and hav no qolificasions and i thort that wood count aggenst me but i was amaized to be turned down coz i dont have a crinimal record. I reely wanna make are country grate aggen and i will do anythink to do it so i am gonna beet me misses up or drive a car at a woke lefty / will have to steel it tho coz i ent got a lisens. Plees have a word coz hating forreners is all i have in life.

They shud speek gud Ingurlish like me.

Yorz, Ian Kerlot'

We tried to contact Mr Farage for a comment, but he's famously publicity shy and just like his hero Donald Trump he is currently shitting himself.

Author: cliveoseman

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Sentenced for a crime she didn't commit. If you have a problem, maybe you can hire A-Sturgeon

Nicola Sturgeon joined the SNP at 16, immediately specialising in constitutional law and improvised armoured van construction. Innocent of her estranged husband’s financial scandal, has not stopped tabloids speculating she’d escaped a maximum security stockade in 1972. Many found it odd that as Deputy First Minister, she oversaw health policy and the covert welding of milk tankers into escape vehicles.

During the failed 2014 independence referendum, she insisted ‘I love it when a plan comes together’. And as First Minister, she refused to travel by air, telling aides, ‘I ain’t gettin' on no plane, fool, not even for COP26’. MSPs complained that every infrastructure briefing somehow ended with her unveiling a homemade tank disguised as a community centre.

Constituents seeking access to government were quietly advised, that they could bribe her husband, ' - and if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find his sort code... maybe you can hire the First Minister.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive