Total Corruption Magazine reports profits of $14 trillion Dollars before and after tax

International best-selling magazine Total Corruption, which explains how to turn your democracy into an overtly venal society in just 6,000 easy instalments, has reported quarterly profits of $14 trillion Dollars.

The exclusive subscription-based publication which used to be a monthly circular is now available to sharks, hoodlums, organised crime, high finance, and democratic governments as an hourly magazine.

84% of countries now operate entirely based on the easy-to-follow guidelines, since the populist article 'Just Lie To Their Faces' broke down barriers to shady unscrupulousness, turning standard manipulation practices into overt sleaze overnight.

Gordon Grifter, Chief Editor for Falsification, Doctoring, Alteration, Fudging, Adulteration, Debasement, Degradation and Abuse at the magazine said, 'Any country or entity using its tax income to subvert societal culture will be well aware of our world infamous Seven 'D's Mantra: Dishonesty, Deceit, Deception, Duplicity and Double-Dealing.

'However, I can now reveal exclusively that a specialist online sister publication kept crookedly behind an extortionate paywall will be launched tomorrow. We have a whole new look and feel, inspired by delinquency, palm-greasing, subornation, profiteering, malfeasance, misfeasance and malversation.

'To the good people of the world, I say this: there are 667 words for corruption, but only one for integrity. And we've just bribed all of the dictionaries of the world to have integrity removed.'

Image: Pixabay/PublicDomainPictures

Chinese national trying to improperly influence politicians' claims corrupt UK government

A Chinese woman resident in the UK has been trying to improperly influence parliamentarians according to an interference warning issued by government.

'What she has been doing is unacceptable,' said a Downing Street source. 'She has followed all of the correct procedures and acted completely appropriately at all times, and that's just not the way we do things around here.'

'What she should have done is conducted herself in a shady, underhand manner and attempted to influence politicians in corrupt ways. She would have been much more successful if she had bribed us or thrown some sort of illegal party.'

Image: Pixabay/sarahlarkin

Met Police behind rigged Eurovision voting system

After yet another enquiry finds the Metropolitan police institutionally corrupt/racist/violent (delete as applicable), it is feared they may have had a hand in other corruption; such as Las Vegas slot machines, Trump’s tax returns and the reason your dish washer breaks down the day after its insurance has lapsed. It is hard to tell how widespread the malfeasance is, but what is clear is that ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys’ could not have got three seasons, without significant police interference.

Commissioner Cressida Dick has come under fire and not just for having a name that sounds like a venereal disease from a Greek tragedy. In fact, complaints against the Met have become institutionally predictable, while the public have become institutionally jaded by the whole affair.

When not covering up murders, the Met Police like to unwind by bashing female protestors, kettling children or the odd extrajudicial shooting. Asked if the Met had been involved in the bank system or election rigging, a spokeswoman said: ‘We’re crooked but not that crooked’.

image from pixabay

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