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Bribe replacement service to replace gravy train over Christmas shutdown


Due to essential maintenance payments needed over the festive season, British politicians are going to be unable to catch the gravy train.  Luckily the government has arranged for a bribe replacement service to be implemented so that the grift keeps on coming.


The replacement service is available to local and national level politicians of all political parties.  A government spokesman insisted that all bribes are eligible for Grift Aid, meaning that the taxpayer will chip in 25% extra to any bribes, subject to the briber paying enough tax in the first place, which come to think of it probably means the taxpayer is off the hook on that one.


image from pixabay

Nigel Farage commits to reintroducing - then filling - Workhouses for the poor


Following on from his manifesto pledge to reduce the minimum wage for the young, Nigel Farage has also laid out plans to re-introduce workhouses for poor children.


'If you haven't worked hard enough to make a decent living to be able to send your child to a private school', said Mr Farage, 'we want to provide options for working families and remove the need for non-working families to claim benefits. Workhouses are the future with a nod to the past.'


Although Mr Farage was light on details and arrangements, he generally said that workhouses would be compulsory for all children from families that claimed any sort of benefits. Controversially, this includes disability independent living payments with his logic being, 'well they're sitting down anyway, they might as well fix mail sacks or repair vapes or something'.


Mr Farage told press that many public libraries would be repurposed as well as community centres and certain areas of job centres.


'The time has come to put the poor and needy to work for their expensive lifestyles', he concluded, 'I'm sure there are some golf courses too that could do with a good lawn mow!'


Image: WixAI

Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal



The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.


“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public - I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”


However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”





First published 4 Oct2021


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