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Leaked papers land Mayor of Cowes in freebie donkey ride scandal


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The Isle of Wight has been rocked by the latest revelations in the so-called Pandora Papers, that show that Arthur Entwhistle, Mayor of Cowes, has been using his position to obtain free donkey rides for his grandchildren for the last 3 summers. Documents also appear to show him treating seaside snacks as tax-deductible expenses, with one receipt for a stick of candy floss and 3 ice cream cones – all with flakes, wafer and strawberry sauce – showing the lavish lifestyle which Mr Entwhistle enjoyed.


“I honestly had no idea what was going on” said Agatha, one of the donkeys that has found herself unwittingly at the heart of the scandal. “I thought I saw those kids quite a lot, I’d remember them anywhere after Kyle was sick on me that time, but I am a simple artiste dedicated to serving my public - I don’t concern myself with the grubby finances of the business.”


However, Mr Entwhistle has denied that he has done anything wrong. “It’s all perfectly legal” he said. “If a donkey owner worried about the renewal of their licence wishes to offer my grandchildren a free ride, for example once every Saturday and every weekday afternoon in the school holidays, who am I to suspect anything untoward? Now if you’ll excuse me, my wife and I are hoping to purchase a beach hut for our retirement, and our estate agents Blair and Blair tell us there’s a lot of paperwork we need to complete.”





First published 4 Oct2021


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Judas apologises for Good Friday 'confusion'

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In a rare public statement, former disciple Judas Iscariot has apologised for the 'confusion' caused by his actions leading up to Good Friday in AD 30.


A recent surprise returner to Elon Musk’s unfiltered platform X, Judas posted as follows:


'I was increasingly unhappy with the direction the disciples of Jesus were taking. I originally signed up for a radical programme of reform, but Jesus — having initially overturned the tables of the money-lenders in the temple, and argued with seemingly everyone about matters of doctrine — turned increasingly to talking of loving and forgiving one’s enemies.'


The blacklisted disciple admitted his actions had faced some 'fraught days in the last week of Easter' and 'I haven't covered myself in glory.'


'The problem was I was also suddenly skint. I mean: who wouldn’t take thirty pieces of silver having decided to ostracise themselves from their party? But I didn’t read the small print and things just ran away with themselves. And no I won’t be commenting on events that followed because it’s a distraction from the main point I’m making.'


'But, yes, I’m happy to confirm I’m taking donations again for my new party.'


Writer: sketchedbyboz

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Don’t mention the Taliban: I mentioned it once but I think I got away with it

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Reform leaders are breathing normally again after Richard Tice’s recent intervieworial train crash revealed that the party plans to send millions of pounds to fund the Taliban in exchange for them taking some slightly brown people off our hands.


'Brown is brown', a spokesman might have said. 'Every little helps. We’ll never get back to one of the really good Dulux shades, but every tone lighter is worth a good hundred million'.


The obvious problem with sending millions to the Taliban is that it’s likely to be spent on terrorist training camps, which some observers have suggested might be a Bad Thing. Reform’s solution? Operation Don’t Mention The Taliban – a smorgasbord of nonsense policies to deflect attention from plans to directly fund terrorists from UK taxes. Possibly the silliest such policy is redefining the word 'indefinite' to mean 'until I say so', which has proven popular among lamppost & casual racism afficionados.


The other benefit of Operation Don’t Mention The Taliban is that it deflects attention from Nigel’s £900k house, which was apparently bought – quite normally - with cash his girlfriend saved up from waitressing tips.


Image: WixAI

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