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PM denies Houses of Parliament are ‘institutionally corrupt’



Despite mild criticism of UK politicians in recent days / weeks / months / years / centuries, PM Rishi Sunak denies that both the UK Chambers (and bastions) of democracy are in any way institutionally corrupt. a spokesperson for the PM, explained:-


“Use of the word ‘institutionally’ is unhelpful because it politicises what is really down to a few individual rotten apples.


"Yes I admit there have been isolated instances of illegal payments for lobbying. And sexual harassment. And photo-copier abuse. And bullying. And ignoring Covid lock-down rules and lying to Parliament. And religious bigotry. And awarding lucrative Covid contracts to chums without tendering. And anti-semitism. And using ‘imaginative’ tax-avoidance schemes. And sucking up to Russian oligarchs (and their money).


"But I don’t think we should concentrate on a few minor misdemeanours. What the public really wants to know is how I am making the UK great again. This is of course not easy after 12 years of Tory misrule – oops I meant challenging global trading conditions.


"However after the four previous lazy, deadbeat, incompetent, ‘economical with the truth’ and batshit incumbents, voters will hopefully realise the sunlit uplands are just around the corner”.


First published 30 March 2023




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Trump announces 'Trump Justice' to replace trial by jury



In a briefing today at the White House, President Donald Trump, announced one of the central planks of new legislation he is to introduce will be “Trump Justice”.


‘Trump Justice will involve a new way of trying cases, rambled the at times completely incoherent president.  'A beautiful new way. The best. Courts and juries will no longer be burdened with having to listen to evidence. That's a bad system. It's the worst. People say that.


'Trump Justice is simple. If a defendant has enough buddies then what they do is flood the court with their buddies. Judges, who incidentally will be renamed Trump Legislators, will simply ask for a guilty or not guilty verdict by a show of hands from everyone in the courtroom.


‘You got enough buddies or you’ve bought off enough attendees, you walk. If you can’t do that, then you’re clearly guilty.'

By Presidential Appointment



President Trump has started a new endorsement scheme that allows products to describe themselves as ‘by appointment to the President’. The scheme appears to closely follow the ‘By Royal Appointment’ scheme used by the British royal family.


The President says that he is prepared to endorse ‘all American’ products, in return for a suitable fee and a lifetime’s supply of the product. He will only endorse one product in each category, to be decided by an auction-style bidding process. He plans to use the proceeds to fund his Trump 2028 campaign.


The first endorsement will be for trainers. The President is all out of his five hundred gold dollar trainers and figures that it would be easier to take royalties from an established brand. He has insisted that the winning trainer brand should produce special edition ‘The-Donald’ trainers in his trademark shade of orange, and with the tag line Run, Donald, Run (2028).


Other products likely to receive endorsements soon include pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles, semi-automatic rifles, machine guns, howitzers and bazookas. The President’s office has clarified that, in view of the amount of money involved, all of these products are considered to be separate categories for the purposes of endorsement.


Products unlikely to receive an endorsement include Trump Fruitcake, Trump Crackers and Trump Nuts.


Photo by NIPYATA! on Unsplash



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