Do you suffer from cognitive dissonance? A guide.

Does your behaviour contradict your avowed beliefs?

Perhaps you are a PM who declares he believes in integrity but delays taking action to enforce it.

Maybe you are millionaire who became an MP "to serve the people", but are just helping out yourself and your chums. You may have been in charge of the Exchequer but were unable to monitor your own tax affairs. Are some of your actions described as "careless" rather than deliberate?

Despite all available information indicating that you have been economical with the actualité, you have the brass neck to stay in your post? Do you have no shame? Does it appear that honour and principle are concepts outside your moral compass. Welcome to the Conservative Party.

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All MPs to be serial killers by 2030

Government ethics advisers have called for new, tougher targets for parliamentary behaviour.

‘Lying, cheating, awarding billion pound contracts to friends – they’re a good start’, explained a spokesman, ‘but we can do better’.

MPs must have had multiple extra-marital affairs by 2025 and have drowned a kitten (or puppy) in a canal by 2027. The serial killing rules won’t apply until 2030 to give MPs time to undertake training in Forensic Awareness, Body Disposal and Creative Use of Poisons.

‘We’re organising expensive in-service training for all 650 MPs’, said the spokesman. ‘It’s quite a step up from shagging your secretary to drowning a kitten, and then to killing three random strangers, but the current Cabinet is extraordinarily talented. We wouldn’t be surprised if a certain former minister had already jumped the gun – that’s a serial killer’s smirk if ever I saw one’.

Image: Enrique Guzmán Egas (@kike_borland) | Unsplash Photo Community

Met Police defend policy of nicknaming, not prosecuting officers

The Metropolitan Police have defended the practice of giving police officers criminal nicknames rather than investigating their alleged offences.

‘Nobody could have known that Wayne "The Rapist" Couzens was a wrong’un’, said a spokesman, known to colleagues as “Useless Jim”.

‘Likewise David "Bastard Dave" Carrick, who has just been convicted of 27 rapes. If only we’d been given a clue. Anything, really. I suppose, in hindsight, multiple official complaints might have given Hercule Poirot or Sherlock Holmes something to go on, but they’re fictional detectives. If we had to investigate every officer with a funny nickname and a string of complaints we’d never have the time to issue people with crime numbers for their insurance’.

A group of PCs with the nicknames "Openly Racist", "Knuckles", "Oops where did all that evidence go", "Brown Envelope Backhander", "Brutality" and "Gone Mad" began spontaneously kettling passers by and thumping their truncheons into their hands, before refusing to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate them.

Victims of police crime have been advised not to make a fuss in case they are charged with "wasting police violence", which is punishable by sentences up to and including sudden death.

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Image: Mary_R_Smith | Pixabay