Panic gripped Westminster today as there was a collective realisation that no-one had been keeping an eye on Boris Johnson. 'He was here, like 10 days ago, said his close protection guard who chose to remain anonymous, 'but he just muttered some nonsense about "wiff-waff" and barreled out into the garden and ran through a fence. We haven't been able to locate him since.' The guard said it was not unusual for Mr Johnson to go missing for a few days but he always returned to mate or feed. Or...

In a surprising legal manoeuvre, a bare chested, war-painted Boris Johnson has announced that he will request a trial by combat at his...

'Don't worry' Farage chortled 'My policies will make sure there are lots more poor British people - although I won't be one of them.'